Manifestation Diaries : Ulterior Motives

Winter of my 15th year and my suffering was just beginning. I was always aiming to please because feeling rejection was too hard to stomach. An older man by a couple years was the first one I gave myself to. It was terrible and immediately I knew he was never going to call me ever again. That choice resulted in horrible bullying, started by who I thought was a dear friend. She went so far as to hack my social media and then change the passwords after. Her name? Let’s call her E-. Immediately I felt I had to please her. She thought she had the upper hand because I came to her, but like I stated before, I hold the cards. Advised by mutual friends to correct her behavior and apologize to me, she heeded the advice and things returned back. I knew she thought that by being in my good graces again, she would hear more to gossip about me as I would put my confidence in her again. E- couldn’t have been more wrong.

Weeks past and its Winter break, here the summers are hot and the winters are freezing. There is a large river that runs through my city and the focus is around the infrastructure that surrounds it, but there are points where it is secluded with brush and trees. Teenagers like myself always go down to a few of those spots to smoke weed.

It was a Saturday afternoon and a group of us, including E-, had finished lunch at a mall we frequent. E- bought this hideous puke green beret, we told her it matched her eyes. Afterwords we all agreed to meet up for some bonfire party at the park, knowing full well we were all getting drunk off cheap beer and wine coolers that night. Everyone got on their separate busses but E- remained with me. I had asked the bitch if she wanted to go smoke some ganja near the river bank by my house and she obliged. Telling her I didn’t ask the others because it would have been out of their way and I only had one blunt.

The bus ride was quiet, I mean who has a lot to say out loud when they want to kill someone. We arrived about 10 minutes later and I am just itching to feel high already. E- won’t shut up, so I ask her if she ever stops yapping. She scoffs at me, and I playfully yanked off her beret and chucked it onto the shallow ice. Soon I realize she’s actually stupid enough to try and get it. I’m smoking there just standing on the bank of the river, quiet as ever because I got her where I want her. She actually managed to get the beret, but I’m going to make sure she won’t make it back. As she makes her way back, I step down from the bank and the ice is starting to crack under her, she thinks I’m going to hold out my hand. I don’t, but I do stomp on the ice. Thump, thump, THUMP. Her face contorted while her whole body went in. She tries to beg me for help but the water is so cold she keeps choking on it. Standing there, I finished the whole joint to myself. I splash water on my face for appearances sake and once she went under that was my cue to get home and notify someone. Thank heavens I took drama lessons.

She was found less than 45 minutes later, her lifeless body. I gave my statement all of which was true, forgo the part of me stomping on the ice and not trying to help her out. After when I got home, there was euphoric relief. Like I didn’t have to please anyone ever again. I had a genuine smile on my face in the mirror, I was not scared at all. In fact, I knew I would only ever be scared of myself from then on. Things for me would always fall into place, because that’s what I would will to happen. No one will hurt me again. At least they would not get away with it. I was in control, and I liked it.