Manifestation Diaries : The Beginning

When I was a child of about 8, I began experiencing the ability of manifestation. At the time I did not even know what it was called let alone how powerful it would become. I would be used as a party trick by my older sister when it suited her and her friend's needs. If I was unable to satiate them, I was shunned from our shared bedroom. She treated me like crap and still does, yet I remember this one moment in adolescence when I was at camp during the summer and it was our last night. There was to be a customary dance party and we would have it outside in the courtyard on the camp grounds. While waiting outside to get in the walls, I kid you not I saw my first and only (so far) shooting star. They say make a wish, so I did. I wished to be like my big sister, beautiful and popular, and to have the world and everyone in it love me. What was I thinking?

When I got older my manifestations became more than just willing someone to call or stop by. I started using it for gambling. Peanuts was not something I played for. I was all in. Having this gift, I always thought I was the one in control, but that’s not how it works. This isn’t a science and I can tell you right now The Secret is no manual. A generalized guide at best. I never even knew about the book until I was taking a class in college. I am in no way a critic but I have been referred to as a cynic from people I was unable to charm. By all opinion it is great reference material for an average person with little to no ability. I did utilize one tool from it though, and it happened to be the gratitude part. Unfortunately for me I feel it was too late.

If you have ever been free falling in an elevator with no ground floor then you know what spiraling out of control can feel like. Gut in your mouth and the feeling of heat coming from inside, flushing you. Manifestation can be a drug, and if you’re not careful with it, the universe will call your bluff. A good starting point you should know, when you will or manifest the Universe is unable to distinguish good or bad from your intentions, at least that’s what I was learned gradually as I became older. When I met someone who was capable of the same things as I, just older and more experienced, I felt relieved. The only difference between us was that I had very strong empathetic emotions. My emotions at any given time would influence the manifestation and it wouldn’t necessarily be what I had intended.

Relationships are exhausting for me because I constantly feel. Whenever I was in one, I would become toxic. It would be feeling my partners emotions and mine in sync. Most feelings weren’t pleasant so I would grasp at anything to take them away. Using whatever I had readily to mute them. At the same time, I’d be manifesting and not even realize it, I had gotten to that point. I would hurt everyone and most did not deserve my wrath. Eventually I had become completely tethered in some sick and twisted way to another who was tenfold more insidious than I.

I was a ticking time bomb. I knew I had to step back and reevaluate everything I knew. Not knowing where I would end up, but ready for change. Desperate for self-reflection, it was time to face the mirror because I couldn’t recognize who I was anymore and the horrible things I had willed. It was the time of my reckoning.