Listen to Your Dog

“The most surprising thing we’ve discovered, is how much some dogs swear. When they are excited or upset, they begin cussing which increases the angrier they get. We can filter that cussing out once the dog’s basic vocabulary and emotional triggers are captured in memory, but it takes time for the software to learn these, and the higher the filter is set, the longer it takes the software to learn.”

The affable host looked into the camera and explained, “Understanding what our dogs are saying and thinking. When we come back, my own dog will hopefully have a chat with me. Stay with us.”

Looking for more edginess his new talk show was becoming known for, Jack Ballantine was most enthusiastic to book this guest and his dubious invention.

On the director’s cue he lifted his flippant gaze to the camera, smiled gently and said, “Hi, thanks for sticking with us. I’m Jack Ballantine and my first guest is Dan Gilbert, who has invented a way for our dogs to communicate with us,” he turned to look at his guest, “Dan did you steal this idea from the movie Up?”

Dan smiled, “No, when Up came out a couple years back we were already at the de-bugging stage with the Lassie unit. We spoke with the movie producers about it and everything is fine. In fact, the talking dog idea goes back to Aesop’s time around 500 BC.”

“Lassie?” queried Jack.

“Yeah, like: What is it Lassie? Is Timmy in trouble?” Dan said straight-faced.

Jack laughed and signaled the director; Camera two came in close on the host, “A long time ago boys and girls when the world was still in black and white, lived a young boy on a farm who was always getting into trouble. His name was Timmy,”

“He had a beautiful collie dog named Lassie who would run back home to tell Timmy’s mom or dad that Timmy was in trouble and needed help.” He turned dramatically and looked at Dan, raised his left eyebrow and asked, “THAT Lassie?”

Dan nodded, “Yes that Lassie. We could not think of a better project name, so it stuck, it’s our corporate name now too.”

“Well let’s see how it works!” Jack said enthusiastically. “Joining us is my own dog, Barney.” An assistant was leading Barney out on the stage welcomed by the studio audience. The handsome four-year old black lab trotted easily until he saw his man Jack, whereby his tail began to wag heartily. The assistant handed the leash to Jack who was sitting next to his guest on the couch allowing the dog to sit on the floor between them.

Barney stretched to make contact with Jack’s hand, his thick tail slapping noisily on the polished floor as Jack petted him vigorously.

Dan put the collar around Barney’s neck and turned it on, the small green LED confirmed success.

Removing a smartphone from his jacket pocket, Dan pressed the screen, turned to look at Jack and explained, “The Lassie Communicator is an app that lives on the handler’s smartphone. The other part is in the dog’s collar which is connected to the mobile via Bluetooth.

“The collar picks up the sounds the dog makes plus some other sensory information: excitement levels, heart rate and other neural data that get interpreted in the mobile software which then translates all this data into text on the phone. So, it’s not just the vocalizations the dog makes, but also what it is thinking and feeling. What you are reading is really what the software interprets the dog to be vocalizing. The software fills in the blanks, so it makes sense to we humans.”

He held up the smartphone to the camera which showed a pale green background with the word WAITING on the screen.

Dan looked at his host and said, “He’s ready, ask him something.”

Jack rubbed the top of Barney’s head and asked, “So Barn – do you like the food we feed you?” The dog’s tail slapped the floor.

Dan held up the phone to the camera to see: IT OK, CAT FOOD BETTER. EAT NOW? The audience erupted in laughter and applause.

Feeling encouraged Jack looked into Barney’s face and asked, “Are you getting enough exercise? Would you like more Frisbee or more tennis ball? Do you like the beach or the park better?” The phone showed question marks.

Dan spoke up, “Ask one question at a time and keep them simple. Barney is thinking about too many things at once and the translator can’t keep up.” Dan placed the phone on the desk against the faux microphone for the camera to see: FRISBEE BEACH.

He turned again to Dan, “So Dan, I understand you have been testing this for a while now?”

“Yes, we began with the Institute for the Blind,” Dan began, “We needed real situations in order to maximize the software for the wide range of applications dog owners will use it for.”

Jack looked thoughtful and asked in a serious a tone, “Where do you see this in a few years?”

“I think we’ll see more dogs being utilized in areas that will exploit their remarkable abilities. In medicine for example, some dogs can detect seizures and fits in patients a few moments before they happen and could alert caregivers to a pending episode.

“Other data suggests that some dogs can sense some cancers and similar infections, so we’re exploring that also. Search and rescue, police and military dogs will be able to do their jobs much more effectively with a better understanding between the dog and the handler. And the Institute for the Blind; we’re really excited about what we can accomplish with this organization.”

Dan looked into the large TV camera before him. “With text reading software enabled, whatever the dog communicates will be converted into speech for the blind handler to hear in real time on their mobile phone. Already it has improved user safety as we found during the first series of trials, and we are now building the speech engine into every unit for all users--blind or not.”

“Very cool!” Jack emphasized, “So people will be able to hear what their dogs are telling them. When will the collar be on the market?”

“We are aiming at within the next year if all goes well.” Dan said smiling.

“Amazing and we will be able to understand our dogs and what they want us to know. Thank you, Dan Gilbert inventor of the Lassie Communicator,” He turned to look at his happy dog and asked “Any final thoughts Barn? Anything you think I should know?”

The camera panned from the black lab to the smartphone before the translator had finished compiling the message. Then a second later, Jack saw the message on the studio monitors at the same time all the viewers at home did: JASON IS FUCKING AMY.

Jack grabbed the phone ending the display. Most viewers knew Jack’s wife to be television star Amy Winslow, none were too sure who Jason might be, but Jack knew. “We’ll be right back.” He said curtly.