Life Under Ice

The cold arctic breeze swept around me, as I completed the turns in the toe loop jump, landing upon the ice. Arms extended to balance and slide back into the perfectly choreographed dance routine. Figure skating is my life. Never have I owned better skates. This set is a gorgeous pristine white with golden embellishments. Into the next stage of the routine, skating around to find my peace entering the salchow edge jump. Bringing my left leg around to enter the jump. Hearing the chant from the crowd “Wooo Emilia!” Twirling fast anticlockwise and landing upon the ice that was thinner than I recalled. Cracking followed by a loud thunderclap exposing the frozen pond beneath. The freezing water latched on, like death clinging to a host, climbing, and that is when I realise, I am sinking. It must have all played out like the sinking of the Titanic in fast motion. Looking up, trying to reach for the opening and gasping for air – I wake up.

Shooting forward almost hitting the bedpost leaving the horror to rest upon the pillow. This is the third morning from the same dream. A slight of anxiety ran through my body as I caught the thought. I am a brilliant figure skater, fear will not hold me. What was this dream trying to tell me? The fear will ruin my win at the upcoming Olympics. Impossible.

Running my fingers through my hair, in contemplation. Ignore the dream, it means nothing. Explore the dream, no time for therapists, plus the publicity would be degrading. Maybe Axel would know something. Reaching for the phone and pressing speed dial. Hopefully, he wasn't busy with a new glacier. Oh! Wait it's Saturday, duh. Just can't keep up with these training days.

“Hi Emilia, what’s happening?” Axel answers. Hearing his strong deep voice bought immediate reassurance.

“Hi, Axel. I’ve been having this reoccurring dream. Today marks the third time. Doing my thing – skating when ice breaks and I end up underneath peering to the surface. Presumably, I die underwater that’s when I wake up. What are your thoughts?” I relay in summary.

Axel ponders momentarily before answering.

“Well, Emilia, I’ve known you long enough to know how important threes are to you. I also know that you aren’t going to give this up. There’s always a meaning within, and I think that’s true here. What are you hoping to do?”

“I want to explore it.”

“And you want me to come with you I guess?”

“Wouldn’t be an adventure without you.”

“Which lake?”

“Actually, that’s just it. It’s the frozen pond just near my house.” I inform Axel awaiting his questioning disbelief.

“How? What makes you so sure it is a frozen pond?”

I giggle knowingly into my answer. “Trust me. I just know. I have a feeling.”

“Ha! I know well enough to know we ALWAYS trust Emilia’s feelings!”

“Great! Rendezvous my house as soon as humanly possible. Don’t forget my diving suit please!”

I hang up feeling better already. Axel is a great friend, cheers me up. My mind begins to ponder about the third-day notion. Axel was right, threes are important to me. My birthday is on the third, my beloved Susi, the sweet Finnish Lapphund dog, passed away in her third year. I am the third child in the family. Then my mind recalled previous diving adventures with Axel. Often we would find another adventurer in the mix. How odd, that marks as another three.

An hour had passed, when the sound of tracks in the snow rolled by. The snow vehicle meets a stop when Axel jumps out. Ushering him back to the vehicle, reassuring him I've got all I need. Taking my share of the load we head in a northern direction toward the pond. It’s a beautiful pond. So many wonderful memories with friends skating there, then heading back home for something warm to enjoy. Being reminded about other people I peer around checking to see if there is anyone else lurking. Axel catches me.

“What are you doing? Are you secretly filming us for a horror movie?” He mocks.

“No.” I skeptically brush off. Then ask my question. “Do you remember much about our other diving adventures, Axel?”

“Yeah, some. I remember we always have fun! And almost break some of my equipment!”

I chuckle remembering the time we dove into Lake Pielinen, known as the world’s fourth-largest lake. Axel needed measurements for work research but couldn’t obtain them during the week and so we attempted to get the reading, nearly breaking the gear to get it. Good times. And an epic memory to tell others of my adventure to known tourist locations!

“What makes you ask?” Axel readdressed.

“On the phone. When you mentioned the number three is significant to me. Have you ever realized random people end up joining our group?”

“Yeah. I guess you’re right.” Axel confirmed, then added. “Maybe that’s the answer to your dream.”

I stared at him, knowing full well my expression of shock, horror, disbelief, and fear would be evident. His own face dropped after the comment. No more a joke but a chilling scene from a horror movie. Maybe I should be recording what happens to us, the thought flicks through my mind. Without a moment to lose, I reach over to Axel’s backpack to grab the go-pro headband. He knew what I was after. There seemed to be this eerie, chilling feeling about this whole adventure now.

We arrive at the frozen pond. Axel gets to work on making a suitable entrance hole into the ice, while I find the supplied gear.

“The go-pro will survive the ice-water, right?” I ask Axel.

He looks up at me. I know he thinks it odd that I want to film under the water, but I feel it is necessary. He nods then says, “The entrance is ready. Are you?”

I’m so used to being above the ice, going down under it seems foreign, alien. What am I doing? Questioning myself. No turn-backs! This is happening. Brain shut up. I look up at Axel, “I’m ready. Let’s do this.”

I could feel every goosebump on my body spike through the wetsuit and diving gear. Moment of insanity. But it was beyond beautiful under the ice! Clean and clear. This calmness flowing through into my soul. I felt connected to it. Perhaps I should have gotten into swimming instead of figure skating. Axel followed through the ice hole giving a thumbs up. I knew he was good and returned the thumbs up. He pointed at me, meaning I get the lead. Makes sense. It was my dream after all.

Swimming around felt different than the dream where I was being forced underwater, now I had the freedom to explore. What am I even looking for? The dream clearly was pulling me down so that seemed an ideal direction. The water slowly changed shades darker, I wasn’t even sure how far down we're able to go. Suddenly a strange object lay still before me. It seemed connected to the base of the pond. Thankfully not as deep as I feared. Getting closer to the object it is completely frozen over. How is there ice in the bottom of a pond, yet water also? Axel there behind, I wanted him to take the lead in case this turns out to be a new glacier find. He swam closer to the object; removed an ice pick from his belt allowing it to meet the object when it pushed him back with excessive force. His equipment disconnected from his wetsuit, and he seemed dazed. I knew the routine would be to retreat and ensure both of our safety was met. But this frozen object spoke to me. Besides curiosity, I felt compelled to touch it.

A surge of energy cracked through the frozen object. It didn’t push me away. No shards of ice in the way, just a clear reflection of me. My mirror image. Wait, me? Why was I trapped in the ice under the pond? Quickly checking back to find Axel and reality or if this frozen pond has taken me into a psychological loop. He is conscious and looking back at me. I wonder what he sees. His hand comes up to indicate a stop. Before I could say otherwise, my body was already reaching forward to connect with the contained imagine appearing as me.

‘We came to find me.’ I think to myself as if to retort to Axel. Reflection me interlaced her fingers with my own. Then she moved toward me. Disbelief and shock ran through my body, as I realized she absorbed into me. My mind whirled momentarily, then filled with calm and peace. I felt this energy like never before, a determination and clarity to push forth to accomplish any task. I needed to help Axel to safety. I swam over to him, yet he headed for the ice hole exit. I followed.

In getting out of the water I felt a hard donk on my head, darkness closed in, I think I landed on the ice.

“I’m glad it’s just the two of us now Emilia.” A voice spoke.

“Who is that?” I question sharply.

“Your friend will be viewing your recording. It will look strange to him. But I am you, and you are me. I am your spirit. You trapped me under the ice years ago in this very place when you deemed it possible to do everything alone. You were challenged and you abandoned me. I fell down beneath the ice and I’m sure you must have felt part of you was missing every day since.” The voice answered.

I remembered now. I was challenged to be the best figure skater Finland has ever known and I accepted the challenge, yet it disconnected me from the things I had hoped to truly aspire toward. Having now gained the skills in figure skating and winning many times over. I knew I could still win for the Olympics, though that inkling of fear popped in occasionally. Now with my spirit restored the fear can melt away.

“I’m glad you reached out and found me. Help me on this journey and together we can be winners.” I replied.

Waking up to see Axel standing over me with a questioning look on his face.

“This time you did not wake up from a dream. I am sorry for knocking you out. What the hell happened down there? I need to take this to the research center!” Axel quickly spoke everything in his heart.

Allowing my mind and spirit to connect with my body, I replied.

“I have found myself, Axel. I feel complete. Help me to the figure skating center. I smell my winnings!”