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Into the Snow
A Story Every Day in 2024 Feb 13th 44/366 A Snow Micro Challenge Entry
"Sh."
"Dad, where are we going?"
"You'll see."
"Can we tell Mum?"
"No."
"But why?"
"Because Mummy's sleeping."
"But she'll want to know where we are. And I want her to come too."
"She can't. She's sleeping."
"But I don't want to go out into the snow. It's dark."
"It's fine. It's not that cold and it's snowing. You love the snow!"
"Mum said that when the snow came, we'd make a fort! And a snowman!"
"Did she?"
"Yes! If I wake her up, we could do it now!"
"Mummy won't want to be woken up to go out in the snow. It's cold and dark and she'll want to sleep."
"But you said it wasn't that cold. If she puts her coat on, she could come."
"Do you know where your mittens are?"
"No. Can I wake Mum?"
"Well, where might you have put them?"
"I don't know. Mum would know. I can go ask her."
"No! We are not waking your mother! You'll just have to go without mittens!"
"But I'll be cold and my hands will hurt! I don't want to go!"
"Callum, it will be fine. I'll warm your hands up if they get cold. Here, you can have my gloves."
"But I don't want your gloves! I want Mum!"
"Okay, Callum. Listen. Mum can't come. She's in a deep sleep and you won't be able to wake her. Okay?"
(Sobbing)
"Don't cry, Callum."
(Sobbing)
"Come on. Let's go see the snow!"
"I want Mum!"
Close.
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Compelling and original writing
Creative use of language & vocab
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Original narrative & well developed characters
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Comments (18)
This did give serious sinister vibes! The dialogue is excellent!
Love how this is all dialogue between father and son, and the short, snappy sentences add to the increasing tension. This is definitely left open to the reader to fill in the gaps if they can, and I like how not everything is told, especially in so short a piece! Very intriguing 👏
This is great. Leaves me both curious re the mom's condition and worried for Callum. I love that you left open for the reader to interpret.
I find it interesting that the first interpretation of this by many is that the man killed the woman. That may have been your intention too, but since it is straight dialogue, it could be interpreted quite differently. For instance, Mom could have cancer and really not be able to get out of bed, and Dad could be trying to remove the child while caretakers came in. Mom could be dealing with untold grief the child can't understand and have made a deal with Dad to take the daughter out to do something so she could have time to herself. I won't belabor the point, but ultimately, I am a little distrubed that so many people's automatic reaction is that the man must be violent where there is no indication of violence whatsoever. I admit that I have personal reasons for finding this disturbing, but it also validates a general misconception which has led to much grief for myself and other men I've known--many of them--who had to fight and suffer just to be a good father to their own children. This a great story for precisely these reasons! This is art! Well-wrought!
I felt afraid for the child!
Hi! So I JUST HAD TO COME BACK with this LINK to share! THIS is EXACTLY what your story today did to my brain and the picture in it as I was reading, and following the child's side of the events! I don't know if you are a fan of Tori Amos, I certainly am! But she did a SMASHING HIT of an Eminem song... Bonnie & Clyde 97... no real music video to go with the story.... but the lyrics are here on the screen in the one I chose to share here! But her rendition and singing of this story tells you what happened in your story! What child is not able to say, but clearly knows if we are going out in the snow at this time without Mum then something is definitely wrong! Enjoy the song! I like how you took a twist on the story so that the reader can draw there own conclusion on what happened and where things are going, if the story were to continue to be written! I got to listen to Tori Amos and this wonderful song again today because of it! :-) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQBobl-ec2Q
Sheeesh, your mom's dead, kid! There I said it! Sorry, I don't deal well with children, especially whiny ones 😅😅
The conversation does imply more than a fun time in the snow. I enjoyed the way you kept dragging the reader along like the kid. Good story!
I was not expecting that reason for not waking mom. Great story and writing.
How to read this? Anywhere from nice & tender to tragic to diabolical. Great job!
Oh dear. Maybe I choose to interpret this in a nice way....
A chilling tale for a chilling season! Really hooked me in with this one
Whoa! This snowy tale gave me the chilly Willie’s. Seriously discomfiting and frightening, Rachel! Kidnapping? Murder? My mind immediately went to all the darkest places.
The ending with the child crying and expressing their desire for their mother is poignant and evokes empathy for both the child and the father.
Fantastic and I want to know more! The poor mom!
What did he do to Callum's mum 😳
Poor Callum senses that something is amiss--is this a snowy Abraham and Isaac tale in the making?
Great story😊