I'm Not Mad

I'm not mad. I'm not mad. I'm not mad.

It was here. I know it was. Someone has moved it. Why would they do that?

I'm not mad. I'm not mad. I'm not mad.

I just need to find it. When I find it all will be fine. No-one will be mad with me.

I'm not mad. I'm just forgetful. Not mad. Not neglectful. Just forgetful. Not mad.

Mad suggests crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm just a little ditsy. I do no harm. I'm not mad.

It's him who thinks I'm mad. He wants me to think I'm mad. I'm not mad.

I wish I could find it! I'm running out of time! I need to keep calm or I'll go mad!

I'm not mad though. Just forgetful. It's him who thinks I'm mad.

It's him who's mad. He will be mad. Oh God.

Where is it? Where is it?

Panic! Panic! Panic!

Don't panic. Don't panic. Don't panic.

It's here somewhere. I can find it. I can find it! I'm not mad.

But where is it?

It's not here! Oh, where are you? I must find you!

I must! What can I do? What can I do?!

I'm scared.

Breathe. In. Out. In. Out.

Think! Think! Think!

I need to find it!

This is driving me MAD! Where is it?

I'm going to be in trouble? Oh! Where is it? I need help.

I'm going mad. I'm going mad! He'll go mad!

What should I do? I can't find it. It's not here.

Why isn't it here? I know it's here. I know it. I'm not mad.

But I had it! I know I had it. I'm not going mad. It's here somewhere.

I can't think! I need to think! He's going to go mad! HE'S GOING TO GO MAD!

Calm. Calm. Calm.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

I'm not mad. I'm not. We can find this. Together.

It will be fine. We just need to look harder. We're not going mad.

I can hear something! It's him! Oh no! OH NO!

He's here! He's going to be so mad! So mad!

I tried to find it! I tried! I'm not mad! I tried! I'm not mad!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I tried. I'm not mad.

Please believe me. Please! I tried.

Please don't be mad. Please don't be mad.

Please don't lock me away.

Please don't hurt me.

Please.

I'm not mad.

I'm not.

***

You need to imagine the white rabbit from "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" through this or a Gollum-esque style dialogue with oneself. Are they the mutterings of a mad person? Maybe. I wanted to get the sense of someone scared and in a panic over something which mattered but more to someone else than to them but the voice would have to live with the consequences. The holds people have over others fascinate me.

I was going to have this as one of my stories every day but after tinkering with it, it went over 366 words, my self-imposed limit as well as L.C. Schäfer's advisory one and I didn't want to cut it down.

This is prose but it reads like a poem on the page. I could have done it in one long stream of consciousness thing but I find stuff like that hard to read so I have ordered it with some formatting to aid comprehension.

This is an entry for an awesome unofficial challenge created by RM Stockton to keep the sparks flying in the Vocal collective. I love these and the Vocalites who think them up:

Thanks for stopping by! If you do read it, please do leave a comment as I love to interact with my readers.