I Love You, Samantha

I don’t believe it!! This is not happening!! Am I dreaming? My thoughts started to swirl together, as if an F5 Tornado had touched down in my head. I winced from pinching my forearm, causing a sharp pain that tingled as it spread through the nerves up my arm, like wildfire. This can’t be real; I won’t accept it. I can’t handle this.

Sweat was beading rapidly on my forehead before running down my tomato-red cheeks, attempting to cool my burning skin, then dropped to the floor. I could feel my chest tighten as panic set in making it difficult to breathe. Unaware of my sudden pacing back and forth, between the kitchen island and counter, I noticed her staring at me, disappointment and sadness in her expression, while she watched as I pulled my hair and tugged on my tank-top, almost ripping it off, like a mad-man that should be restrained.

A thumping sound-Thump-thump, thump-thump-grew increasingly louder in my head before I realized that my heart was beating faster with each passing second-like I’d just snorted a ball of cocaine all at once-until I felt it pounding on my ribs like a jackhammer. I pictured my heart exploding from my chest like the alien did in that movie. My panic and anxiety intensified, causing an overwhelming tension throughout my neck and back that held a death-grip on my muscles and tendons. Just breathe, slowly, deep breath in, hold, exhale. Repeat.

“Did you hear me?” She asked.

What will I do?? This is madness!! I stopped pacing, focusing my eyes on a large bead of sweat that began to trickle down my nose, hanging off the tip as if briefly frozen in time, before plunging to the floor.

“Devon?! Are you listening to me at all?” She inquired, anger oozing from her words.

Her voice was loud, but distant in my head. Snapping back to reality, I managed to stammer in response, “But… wha?” Confusion evident in my face.

A lump formed in my throat, water pooled in my hazel eyes, my mind raced at a thousand miles per minute in a feeble attempt at contemplating what to say. Panic was quickly turning to shock as a tear escaped from the corner of my eye, quickly running down my cheek.

Frustration and anger washed over her, “Are you going to say something, or stand there with that blank stare looking like an idiot?”

She had just ripped my heart from my chest, slammed it to the floor and stomped on it, what exactly did she expect me to say? Promise I’ll change? Give me another chance? Beg that she change her mind?

“I… I don’t get it…”

“What don’t you get? It’s simple, we’re through. Done. Finished.”

“B…but… I thought you loved me..?”

Her eyes began to well up, “I do love you, Devon, but I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“What did I do?” I asked genuinely.

Wiping away a tear as it trailed down her cheek, she choked up, “This is not the life I want. Shit happening all the time. The excuses and false promises. I just can’t take it anymore. You’re never here and when you are, it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it. We’ve lost that connection; our spark is gone.”

I stared at her in disbelief. Here I thought everything was going great. Just goes to show how much I pay attention. My mind blank like my stare, I made no attempt at forming a response, instead I slowly shuffled over to the fridge behind me, grabbing a cold beer. Turning to look at her, I popped the cap on the bottle, raised it to my parched lips and drank a long swig from the bottle before setting it down on the counter. How could I have been so blind to our relationship falling apart?

“I want a life, Devon. I feel like I’m in this alone. We never do anything; we don’t go anywhere together. When you are home, we barely talk. This is not how it should be.” Her rosy cheeks glistened as the tears rolled down leaving behind trails that marked their paths.

Taking another drink of beer before clearing my throat, I said, “I will change. I’ll fix this. I promise.”

She wiped her cheek, sniffled and replied with a shaky voice, “How? How are you going to fix this? I honestly don’t think you can or will. You say you will, you promise, but in two weeks, a month even, everything will be right back to where we started.”

Moving in closer, I looked directly into her sky-blue eyes and sincerely replied, “I will. I swear. I’ll cut back on my hours at work, I’ll be more attentive at home, I’ll drink less. We’ll take some trips together.”

I could hear the desperation in my voice. Staring at her intently, waiting for her to respond, she half-smiled at me sweetly.

“You know that’s not how it’s going to work.”

I shook my head, begging, “It will work! Please! I don’t want to beg, just give me… give us another chance. I swear on my grandmother’s grave. I promise from the bottom of my heart. I’ll make it better.”

She stood there looking at me for a moment and sighed before replying, ‘I need to think about it Devon.”

“Ok, you think about it.” I planted a soft kiss on her cheek, her lips formed a slight smile.

The beer on the counter was almost empty. Picking it up, I finished it in one quick gulp, just as the doorbell rang.

Setting the empty bottle on the counter I walked over to the front door, pulling it open. Meg stood there smiling, wearing white yoga pants and a black wool jacket that stopped just below her waist.

“Meg, nice to see you. Samantha’s in the kitchen.” I said as sincerely as possible before moving aside to let her in.

Meg smiled at me as she stepped through the door and replied, “Thanks Devon. How are you?”

I looked at her with sadness and frustration, “I’m… alright.” I answered.

She placed a hand on my arm, smiled at me again, then walked into the kitchen. Following behind her, I intended on grabbing another beer, but the moment Meg entered the room, Samantha broke down, sobbing in tears. I didn’t want to see her upset anymore than she already was, it hurt. Quickly, I grabbed another beer from the fridge and went to the living room while Meg was comforting Samantha.

Sitting down on the navy-blue leather couch, I turned on the TV and began flicking through the channels, attempting to find something to watch. Samantha poked her head into the living room and announced that her and Meg were going out for drinks and would be back in a few hours.

“Ok.. I love you.” I stated, sincerely.

I turned to look back at her, with a half smile. She paused, her eyes red and puffy from crying.

Sincerely she replied, “I love you too, Devon.” Before disappearing from my sight.

That would be the last moment we shared, the last memory I hold and the last words that were spoken between us.

As Samantha and Meg drove to the bar that night, they were turning at an advanced green light. A tractor trailer carrying a full load came flying down the road, ran the red light and slammed into Meg’s car, crushing it like a tin can, leaving nothing but a twisted mess of metal and glass.

Meg and Samantha’s bodies were broken and mangled so badly that they had to use dental records to identify them. The driver of the tractor trailer, who only suffered from a few scratches, had fallen asleep at the wheel, and was inevitably charged for the girl’s deaths.

Fate plays a mean game sometimes. One moment you’re thinking life is great, the next moment, it’s falling apart all around you. Just when you think that there may be a glimmer of hope, it’s stolen away in a fierce lightening-quick flash. Gone forever.

In case you’re wondering. I did change after that day. I quit my job, packed up my belongings, sold the house and hit the road, never looking back. That day broke my heart, no correction, it tore it straight from my chest and held the damn thing in my face. To this day, I’m still torn, still broken. I just wish, for one moment, that I had the opportunity to see Samantha again. To see her beautiful smile or her blue eyes light up when she would see me after a long trip. I would give anything to feel her soft touch and her warm breathe on my neck while I held her tight. They say not to regret, but I think those that say it, have never been through anything as devastating and soul crushing as I was. I regret to this day, that I ever let her leave that night.

I love you, Samantha. Forever.