I Couldn't Feel Nothing

I watched silently, my eyes wide with horror as they brought the monkey in. My stomach churned as I saw its dull eyes. I felt myself take a step towards it, only to be pulled back by my colleague, Ben. I felt his hand gently squeezing mine as he held me back, pulling me slightly behind him so I could no longer see the poor creature... But it was too late, and images were already burned in my mind of the monkey, who should have been bouncing with energy and youth, walking in slowly; its legs unable to bend normally as the wounds kept it restrained in its own body.

***

That was the first time I had ever seen one of the test animals. The sight had filled my heart with hatred for our company at the time. I was only an intern then, still brand new to the company- still innocent. Over time, the hatred I had felt for our company dulled, soon being replaced with sadness, and then with only indifference.

I've been working for the company for about eight years now. Every day I go into work, see my boyfriend, Ben, and see the test subjects. Every day I am reminded of that very first time. For a while, every time I had a flashback of that day, I felt horror and hatred. I was left gasping for air and clutching my chest on the floor. Now? I feel nothing. Now, every time I get the flashback, I simply wait for it to end, and then I go about my day. I am often given the task of disposing of the test subjects, because I am one of the only ones who can do it without throwing up, or crying. Even as I lay eyes on the often mangled, burned, infected, and malnourished corpses, I feel nothing.

"Jessabelle, there you are! Ben's looking for you, he said that you have to get rid of Daisy's body... She died last night from a failed test." I was quickly pulled out of my thoughts by my friend, Allison. Allison has been working with us for a little under a year, and she has not really gotten over the animals yet. She likes to name them. She gets far too attached to the test subjects, and then she cries when they die. Today is no different; her eyes are rimmed in red. I sigh quietly, shaking my head at the ridiculous name. Who the hell names a test subject Daisy?

"Alright, if you see Ben tell him that I will swing by and talk to him after I have disposed of test subject E4268. Thanks Allison, I'll see you after work!" I quickly wave goodbye, seeing her crushed look as I leave. She hates it when I refuse to call the test subjects by the names she gives them. She thinks I am completely heartless... Honestly, I have no idea why she even works here, or why she considers me her friend. I shake my head and quickly head to the holding cell for E4268, putting Allison out of my mind as I enter.

As soon as I enter the cell, I am forced to cover my mouth and nose to block them from the stench of the deceased monkey. Fascinated, I step closer and see that the monkey is young; only about the size of both my fists together. The flesh is peeled back, revealing malnourished muscles with small fragments of shattered bone in them. This does not look like a failed experiment... Upon closer inspection, I notice that the face is frozen in a mask of clear terror and pain; the eyes open wide and flashing, glistening in pain, the teeth biting down on the creature's bottom lip as if holding back a whimper, and blood all over. I feel a slight tugging sensation in my chest as I hear a small whimper escape the monkey's lips. I jump back in surprise, realizing only now that the thing is still alive. It had been laying like this for over twelve hours.

Seemingly sensing my presence, the monkey's eyes widen even more, and another whimper escapes its mouth as it tries to get up to hide from me, only for the poor thing to collapse once more. I grab a small gun from my pocket and step towards the monkey calmly, aiming for its head. Right as I am about to pull the trigger, I look into the monkey's eyes and see that it understands what is about to happen. Relief seems to fill its eyes as the bullet makes contact. I frown slightly as I watch the light fade from its eyes, the muscles going limp throughout its entire body as the suffering finally ends. The monkey was now dead. I pick it up and carry it into the hallway, disposing of it easily by tossing it carelessly into the incinerator. As the heat hits me, a sudden realization hits me; this is wrong... Yet I feel next to nothing.

I slowly head over to Ben's office, knocking lightly on the door before entering. Ben smiles at me, grabbing my waist and gently pulling me to him in a kiss. I immediately kiss back, making him smile brighter. He pulls away and murmurs, "Hey Jessabelle, how did it go with E4268?"

I frown. "It went alright. It wasn't dead yet, though, so I had to kill it before I could dispose of it. I would appreciate it if they would make sure they were dead before sending me in. It is not my job to kill them first."

He sighs and nods, quickly jotting down a note. "I'll make sure to mention it again that you don't wanna do any live disposals."

I nod once, briskly, smiling in small thanks before telling him I would be leaving for the day. He sighs and gives me a quick kiss. "Okay, I'll see you at home," he replies with a small frown. I nod absently and wave slightly, walking quickly as I leave.

I hop in my car, allowing it to purr to life before I stomp my foot on the gas, taking off for home rapidly. I share a house with Ben- we moved in together about a year ago. Our house is the only place where I really allow myself to feel anything. Upon entering, I sit just inside the door and cry on the floor, sobs wracking my entire body. Sitting there, all the pain, horror, disgust, and anxiety always crashes in as I think about my day. All the emotions quickly rushing in just like they did yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, and every day before that for eight years.

The whimpering fills my ears, the terror in the test subjects' eyes fills my mind, the feeling of being burned alive consumes me as I empathize with the test subjects. I decided then that I was done; done with the testing, done with the cruelty and suffering, done with feeling nothing as I kill innocent creatures. Done with it all.

My shivering stops and I am suddenly filled with rage. I go to the kitchen and grab the sharpest knife I have. I look at my arm and consider numbing it with ice, but I decide against it. 'I don't deserve to numb the pain,' I think bitterly as I sit down hard in my bedroom. I press the knife down on my arm, a small shiver of anticipation running through me as I feel the cold metal caress me gently. All thoughts cease as I press hard and drag the knife down my arm, a wet and warm sensation filling me as I feel the knife cut slowly through all my veins that are in its way.

The room starts to spin as I drop the knife, all feeling in my arm disappearing. I sigh in relief and fall, about to pass out. I close my eyes and wait for peace to overtake me as my final thought runs through my tired mind, making me murmur quietly as I see the door slam open, "A monster will die tonight, because those animals did not deserve what we did to them."

I feel my consciousness slowly slip away from me as I vaguely register Ben rushing desperately to my side, and then I feel the eternal nothingness loom out in front of me, leading me into the darkness as I shut my eyes for the last time.

***

I feel a sense of dread as I rush into the bedroom. I cringe slightly as the scent of blood hits my nostrils. I sped home early today from work, because I felt that something was off with Jessabelle... And now the bedroom smells like blood, an unmistakable smell.

I rush to the room and slam the door open, tears pricking my eyes as I see Jessabelle crumpled on the floor. Covered in blood, with a knife beside her. I collapse on my knees right beside her, pulling her into my lap as I try to stop the bleeding, knowing even as I do that it is too late. I watch helplessly as I see the light leave her eyes, and then they flutter shut for the last time. I sob, my head falling to her neck, as I sit there holding my lifeless girlfriend. I was going to propose tonight, and now.. she's gone.

I never want to wake up without her.. What am I ever supposed to do without her? She was everything.

I pull out her engagement ring from my pocket and set it gently in her hand before I pass out, all happiness gone.. All hope now lost.

The smell of smoke pulls me back to consciousness. I look up and see the owner of the company standing solemnly over me, a gas canister and matches in his hand. The suicide note hastily written and forgotten by Jessabelle is under his feet, covered in blood. He slowly solutes me, and then turns his back on me, leaving our story to the flames.