Gullywasher Holler Folk

Three days had passed since Ughp had tamed his mighty steed. Well, if he was being honest with himself, there hadn’t been much taming.

The crowds had sung praises, brimming with elation at his fantastical feat but truth be told, it kind of just happened.

Ughp wondered, trudging through the unfamiliar hollow as the rain that had started falling days ago continued to drench him, if all the tales of heroism he heard as a child paled in comparison to the truth. By no means did Ughp consider himself a scholar, but he quickly realized that for some, hope was found in the extravagant, the extraordinary and the exaggerated.

“Do you know this holler?” the newfound adventurer asked.

His noble, naked-tailed steed shook his head, as if to say, “No, I in fact do not.”

Looking up as darkness slowly fell, Ughp could see the buck moon peeking from behind a storm cloud briefly, only to be covered again quickly. He shivered, growing cold in the darkness on account of the perpetual rainfall.

“Waphles,” Ughp said gently, as the overgrown possum pattered down the worn path, “this rain ain’t letting up. I do believe this is what Mee-Maw called a Gullywasher. I think it’s time we made camp and waited it out. There’s not a spot on me, inside or out, that ain’t soaked. And look there,” he pointed, “at how high the crik is compared to earlier.”

A gullywasher, sometimes called a toad-strangler, was an incessant downpour of rain that usually came hard and fast, not relenting until the creeks overflowed and new streams wound their way down the mountains, flooding the hollows and roads. Ughp had never seen such a thing, not until today.

The two found a small clearing beneath some large oak trees and settled in for the night. Ughp stripped down in spite of the cool night air, and hung his clothes in hopes of them drying by morning. The newly ordained knight built a small fire, with hopes the heat would help, but also because the woods after sunset could be a scary place.

He found a dry spot at the base of a large tree, removed his feather pillow from within his deerskin to find it surprisingly dry, and nestled himself between two large roots. Within moments the young man was fast asleep.

***

Something creaked in the night. To his right, Ughp heard a rustle in the undergrowth of the forest. He refused to open his eyes and curled into a ball, but the rustling continued, getting louder and closer. The creaking, however, was very close and slightly concerning.

He popped open one eye to see the embers of a dying fire. Scanning the woodline he couldn’t spot the source of the rustling, but that creaking sound was somewhere close!

“Waphles!” he whispered, trying to get the attention of the beast, but the possum was nowhere to be seen. He tried two more times to get the marsupial’s attention, both to no avail.

Finally, by the dim light of glowing coals, he rolled on his back, opened both eyes and screamed.

Staring down at him, face to face, were two large, dark eyes.

Waphles, obviously startled by the scream, screamed directly back at Ughp, and promptly fell from the tree from which he was hanging upside down, landing on top of the boy.

Then, due to the nature of the world (if it can go wrong, then by golly it sure as heck will!), Waphles immediately played dead. Muffled shouts could be heard from beneath his burly body and thick coat of fur.

“Get off me you oaf!” screamed Ughp, but the louder he yelled, the deader the possum played.

As Ughp’s last breath escaped him, and his vision began to darken and blur, he caught the faint sound of rustling in the woods drawing close. When the clamor was nearly on top of him, darkness overtook him and he faded into unconsciousness.

***

When Ughp came to, he was laying beside a roaring fire in a small cabin. The second thing he noticed was the face of Waphles staring inside a small window, his visage taking up all four panes of glass.

“I don’t think there’s a single thought behind those goofy eyes.” Ughp thought, and almost laughed out loud when his daydream was interrupted unexpectedly.

“If it weren’t for me you’d be deader ‘n a doorknob.”

Ughp turned slowly to see an old man, beard nearly to his waist, rocking in a chair on the other side of the mantle opposite of him. He wore a large pointed hat, bent at the top, and a robe that was tattered at the ankles.

“Are you a..a…a…” stammered Ughp.

“A what?” asked the stranger, “Speak up! Mouse got yer tongue?”

Ughp gulped, “A Hick Wizard?” he finally choked out. “Are you one of the Hick Wizards my Ma warned me about?”

The stranger laughed, “Of course not boy! Don’t be absurd!” He continued to laugh and Ughp joined him in his merriment.

“What are you doing out this far from civil-eye-zation?” asked the old man.

“We’re searching for the Dew of the Mountain!” exclaimed Ughp.

This proclamation sent the wizard into a fit of guffawing. His laughter was near silent, tears streaming from his eyes. “Dew of the Mountain!” he wheezed.

Ughp joined in on the laughter, Waphles was still outside, his teeth bared and his eyes squinted as he too laughed along. He didn’t know what he was laughing at, but he didn’t want to feel left out.

“Oh goodness.” said the man, wiping his eyes, “I needed that.”

Ughp eyed him suspiciously, “So if you aren’t a Hick Wizard, what are you?”

“I said I wasn’t a Hick Wizard and I told you true.” He sniggered, “I’m the Hick Wizard.” His face contorted into what was supposed to be a smile, but resembled something of a grimace of pain, “And you just became my ‘prentice.”

He moved toward Ughp, and although he meant no ill will, the boy didn’t know it.

And neither did Waphles.

The gargantuan possum burst through the wall, and in one fell swoop, had the Hick Wizard by the collar of his robe and began to shake him violently.

A sound (one that could only be described as similar to pursing one’s lips, exhaling, and running a finger up and down them like a child would do) erupted from the wizard. He became a blur of robe and beard, the babbling, slobbering sound still echoing in the now three walled abode.

“Waphles!” shouted Ughp at the top of his lungs, causing the animal to stop dead in his tracks, wizard still hanging from his mouth.

“Drop.” He commanded with a pointed finger and the possum did exactly that, letting the wizard fall a good four feet to land on his rear end with a thump.

“Sorry about that.” Ughp apologized as he made his way over to the disheveled man, “He’s still not fully trained.” He eyes then caught the large puddle spreading out from beneath the possum.

“Or housebroken.” he murmured through clenched teeth.

“Why you low down, good for nothin’, rat-tailed, flea infested, snaggle toothed varmint…” but before he could continue with his rant, the hermit found himself back in the mouth of Waphles. This time he was being held by his boot laces, and twirled around like a rag doll.

“DROP!” shouted Ughp and that’s exactly what Waphles did. However, the momentum of the sudden release sent the wizard careening across the cabin and straight out a window, sending shards of glass crashing down all over the floor. Waphles whipped around and his tail knocked the rocking chair into the fire, causing ashes and embers to ignite the rug.

Flames erupted immediately, smoke billowing into the loft.

***

The Hick Wizard woke to staring into a dark sky, rain tickling his face. He sat up and beheld his cabin being engulfed by fire. He then stared into the eyes of an abashed young man and his dooless, overgrown possum.

“So,” asked Ughp, scratching the back of his head and shifting his feet, “what exactly is a Hick Wizard’s ‘Prentice?”

The wizard sighed, “Welcome to Gullywasher Holler, where the rain and my misfortune never cease.” He stood, “Follow me boy, you and your…” Waphles stared him down. “You and your pet.” He finished. “And I’ll show you what being a Hick Wizard is all about. I reckon if you’re serious ‘bout findin’ the dew then you’re gonna need my help.”