118 Pr'oxymorons in the Workforce

FROM WICKEDPEDIA: PROXYMORONS

Proximorons have now entered the workforce and have become well established with the fall of Propriety-and-Sobriety Party in the 2030s.

The proxymorons were those equipped to navigate contradictions within unique job descriptions. They were a natural result of the subspecialization of professions like Military Intelligence, Solo Team Captains, Jumbo Shrimp Distributors, and Alpha-Acolytes.

For example, the heterodoxymoron head of campus security at the University of Phoenix, to his credit, has overseen the longest stretch of no mass-shootings there. He is paid $242,500 a year.

Such heterodoxymorons are the seemingly most nonsensical professionals in a sensical world or, alternatively, the most sensible professionals in a non-sensical world. Most agree, that makes sense.

For example, the Expert Witness and Testifying Mimes have been credited with making even acrimonious legal proceedings a quieter experience, despite presiding Francophobic judges' inclinations to just slap the shit out of them. Their seconds are the testifying robot dancers, ready to step in jerkily, should opposing counsel succeed in impeaching them.

The Followup-Pass Inspector of W-rejects at the M&M factory is paid pro rata by how many Ws he can reject on each second pass. The Quality Control Officer at the Inflatable Woman Factory is paid handsomely to undergo rigorous testing for asexually transmitted infections (ATIs).

The moxiemorons are those who do the jobs only the most galling and insensitive will do, such as the Funeral Home Clowns and Memorial Service Stand-up Blue Comics. Lately, the Service Comics have suffered a drop in income when asked, "What are you, a professional comedian or something." (Comics make less than comedians, FYI.)

A funeral home clown asked a testifying mime how much he's paid. The mime held out both hands, flicking fingers, coming out $110,000. The funeral clown scoffed.

"I make three times that much," he boasted.

The mime quickly applied war paint to his face and held up his palm: "How?"

"Because my mute-ated friend with nothing to say otherwise, I am paid not to come. And, as they say--but not you, of course--you get what you pay for."

The Flat Earth Mathematician just sighed. "I make less than both of you, because the people who pay me can round off."

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THIS SUBMISSION:

For Saturday, April 27 Day 118 of the Story-a-Day Challenge. Now well into triple digits!

365 WORDS

CONTENT WARNING: The "How" joke at the expense of Native Americans is not racist, because it is funny.

All pictures are AI-generated, but the morons are not!

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