Green light to crazy town

Now that I'm on the cusp of turning 56, I can honestly say that menopause is basically a green light to a woman's body to go absolutely bonkers.

I've always been one to keep such bodily changes very private. For example, I barely complained about pregnancy or even labor for that matter.

Yes it was excruciating but after months of yoga and dozens of books on the subject, I gritted my teeth and remembered my teacher's words: "It's pain with a purpose."

I also understood that just as it takes a woman's body nine months to grow another human being, it similarly takes nine months for that same body to return to its original structure, basically all organs back to their rightful places and a gradual flattening of the belly.

But menopause is a whole new (insane) ball game with everyone I know experiencing different symptoms at different times, and none of them pleasant.

Let's start with the ones most people have at least heard of. Hot flushes, or hot flashes, are a feeling of intense heat which creep up from your neck to your face and then immerse your entire body in a blazing sweat.

I have noticed a feeling of anxiety just before a hot flush so at least I have some notice of what is about to ensue.

It's only awkward if you are at work, for example teaching a class, because you not only feel uncomfortable but your face glows bright red. If you happen to be wearing a mask at the time, you're doubly ill at ease.

Depression, irritability, restless (or no) sleep, crying for no reason, "empty nest syndrome" are other common bedfellows of menopause but it's the physical changes I would like to focus on.

Probably the worst one for me is that my shape suddenly resembles a bull frog. My abdomen has swelled with a pregnancy-shaped belly while my arms and legs remain slender.

This is what I mean by menopause giving my body the green light to go crazy. I do not recognize this body as belonging to me and no amount of exercise or dietary changes seem to shift the belly fat. It's resolutely wrapped around my middle like the proverbial "spare tyre".

Another weird development is unwanted facial hair. Without waxing, plucking and shaving, I'd literally be a bearded lady by now. Thankfully I have two eagle-eyed, adult daughters who notice, and are eager to point out, any strays.

The only slight upside of the facial hair debacle is that my head hair is turning a glorious silver and is growing just as rapidly.

This means that I can grow out overly short hair cuts faster and save hundreds of dollars on coloring. My silver streaks attract a lot of positive attention along the lines of: "Is your hair color natural or do you get silver foils?"

We grey goddesses recognize each other in supermarkets and shopping centers and greet one another with that secret smile which says: "Looking good compadre! Well done, you've survived!"

What else? Stiff joints and difficulty getting up from the sofa are now accompanied by an audible "Uhh" sound upon reaching a standing position. It's almost as if we are congratulating ourselves for having made it!

And, yes, the opposite applies. Conversely, the relief, and joy associated with sitting down again is also accompanied by a sound effect, this time it sounds something like: "Ahhhh".

Talking to oneself has oft been associated with craziness but again, this is definitely another side-effect of menopause. I find myself narrating my next hour in terms of the chores I need to complete for both the house and my job.

There's admonishment too when you stuff up. "What did you do that for you silly old cow?" and the like when I forget, drop or break something.

The conversation is sometimes rudely interrupted by a daughter along the lines of: "Who ARE you talking to Mum?"

Busted. No one. I'm talking to myself dear. I suppose I only have to really worry if she starts answering back!

Seriously though, menopause is a rollercoaster ride for the body, both mentally and physically, and, like so many other rites of passage, nobody can really prepare you for it.

Each woman's experience is different, both in the symptoms, severity and timing of "The Change".

I can't speak for others but my own journey is proving to be challenging and somewhat entertaining if I'm honest.