Grandpa Ulysses' Journal

I can count on my right hand the times I witnessed my father shed tears. He remains solemn, stoic, perpetually heroic as he was in my early years. Humble by nature, easily calm, some people said he never raised his palm. A call came last June, a little past noon, one which often comes too soon. My grandfather Ulysses, for all his might, finally decided to end the fight. Cancer's not the answer, nor is it addiction, he died after his final mission.

My father tasked me to find anything in grandpa's attic may hold purpose. My attitude led me to write it off as worthless and not worth my service. Cardboard boxes, crammed with memories, things I couldn't pretend to be. I marveled at Ulysses' life and the stories he would share, from an overstuffed box suddenly, a book appeared. It was brown, leather-bound and not as dusty as it would seem. It held a certain allure as the incoming sun accentuated the sheen. The trance bested my determination to keep searching and I found a rocking chair to read in before I continued working.

I unraveled the string and opened the cover and it read...to my life, my friend and my lover.

Ulysses spoke of the brightest light he saw on the darkest day and how he no longer cared what stood in his way. He met my grandma at an ice cream shop, it was the first time he experienced time stop. They were laughing at lunch, caressing during coffee, at the annual carnival he would buy her chocolate covered toffee. He envisioned the slight shoulder bumps as they aimlessly strolled the boardwalk; what diner to impress her at while they ordered from a menu board scribbled with orange chalk. He saw present and future all in one glance, he didn't even notice he was about to miss his chance. By the time he returned she was headed towards the door, but grandma nearly slipped from ice cream spilled on the floor. Ulysses caught Elsie and said to her surprise: I apologize pretty lady I just saw our life in my eyes. She stayed in his embrace before bursting out in laughter but joined him in the booth and they began their first chapter.

I was smiling ear to ear as I read that story but skipped ahead a few pages to prevent it from getting boring. What I read next put a lot of things in question and took my own thoughts in an unusual direction.

Few people have ever told me about this feeling. I was under the impression that love has a ceiling, but you reach heights higher than the tallest building. You have made me feel things I didn't know I could and even wonder if I should, but this has to be good. You are the manifestation of the tangible love between your mother and I, I hug her and cry with the slightest glimpse of you. I want you to be all of her and none of me because she is love effortlessly. I’m optimistic, grateful and I know the sacrifices will be worth it. I love you my son and at this moment you’re perfect.

There was a tragedy with my grandmother and Ulysses paid for it twice, he felt retaliation was the only way for them to pay the price.

I lost my lover, I lost my friend, I lost my life, I gave away my freedom and I paid the full price. Yet, this is the toll when you lose control, but when they take away the one soul that has become your life's goal, there is no forgiveness...but there is repentance. It took me twenty years to learn that fire burns from both sides. Elsie it's been a long ride and harder without you but I'm finally free and so happy to be. I longed for things I never knew I would miss, and I lost the thing which epitomized bliss. I lost my mind, then I lost my time and it all comes back to you. No flavor of ice cream could cure my sweet tooth. My initial vision of us was void of prison, but they changed the prism when they took you away, but I can see freedom, I can see you and I know this is my final day. I have forgiven myself for not being fast enough. I have repented for not being strong enough. I have lasted long enough to know you didn’t want me to be anything other than me and to smother the world with the love I allowed you to see. I’m going to join you, accept my freedom and appreciate the beautiful sight it is to see. I feel like I’m in love again.

I was no longer rocking in the chair, I just stared to the point I was impaired. My instincts told me to read further before cleaning, but I left the attic careening through the obstacles I tried not to topple. Despite the weather I kept the journal dry, my notion was to share it with my father's eyes. As I approached slowly, he asked what did I find? I explained it was insight to Grandpa's mind. He was abandoned by the fireplace as I left him to read, and I gave him all the space that he would possibly need.

I saw him read the journal on three different occasions and I wonder if he enjoys it and interest that it raises.

Summer break from college I visit my father in June, a little past noon and I hope I won't get any phone calls that come too soon.