Flying...Floating

*Trigger Warning: In Comments to prevent spoilers. Structure intentional.

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I’m flying, or floating, rather. How did I get here? I don't remember what happened. I’m confused, but I feel at peace. Weightless. Boundless. What’s that below? Is that…me? Why am I here and there? Wait. The last thing I remember is driving around the bend on my...well, my husband's motorcycle. What happened? Why am I on the ground? How did I get so far off the road? Where is the motorcycle? I don't see it. I feel fine here, flying… floating in the sky, but it looks like I’m suffering, struggling to breathe down there. Why don’t I feel that? Is that blood running down my temples? I’m not moving. It doesn't look like I can. There is no one else here. Just me. There is traffic but no one is stopping. I feel an impulse to help myself, but somehow I can't. I just have to watch from up here, I guess. Will someone please stop and help? I know you are all busy, late for appointments, and don’t have the time, but it will only take a minute. Maybe they can't see me? I just need someone to call my family to come to get me. Or maybe I need an ambulance. Yes. I think so. I don't look well. Can someone please just call for help? There we go. I see someone pulling over down there. They saw me. Good. They look frantic. They must feel concerned for me. Ok, they’re calling for help, but they’re shaking and yelling. They must feel scared. They are crying for me and I don't even know them. Wow, the human connection is strong. This person cares for me, so much so that they are shedding tears, yet I’ve never even seen this person before. Thank you, kind person. I feel bad that they feel scared because of me. I feel a pull toward myself and also, I’m slowly pulling away. I’m stuck. I’m stuck between feelings. I’m sure I’ll be just fine. I feel peace flying…floating up here. Oh, I see the motorcycle. It’s over there in the bushes. Wow, it doesn't look good. We're definitely going to need a new motorcycle when this is all over. I was just going a few blocks. I never take it further than that. It makes me nervous. Tonight, it sounded fun. I don't remember speeding. There were no other cars. Just me on the road. I must have hit a bump in the road or something. Maybe an animal? Oh wait, I remember now, a rabbit jumped in the road and I swerved to miss it. I must have hit the curb. I’m very far from the road. Did I fly through the air? I’m certainly flying…floating now, but just this version of me, not that me. That me is not moving. I just went out to buy some sparkling water from the market. I guess I’m not doing that anymore. It just sounded so good to have with the popcorn that I made not more than 20 minutes ago... or maybe it's been longer. Everyone agreed that sparkling water sounded good. I offered to go, I needed a minute to myself. Now that seems silly. I just want to go back to the place and people I needed a minute from. I hope no one waits for me to eat the popcorn, this might take a while. I hear the sirens. I do not look like I'm doing ok. I don't seem to be able to get a good breath. I wonder if they’ll know that I have asthma. My inhaler is in my pocket. I think I need it. It doesn't look like I can move to get it. I hope someone finds it there. I wish I could tell them, but I’m stuck here flying…floating. I can't seem to get any closer than this. I should have worn that medical alert bracelet that Mom gave me. Then they would know about my asthma. Why did I care what it looked like- I really need to wear that ugly thing. I’ll make sure I wear it every day after this. I’ve learned my lesson. I really need to get home. My family is waiting. I really wanted to watch that movie and eat popcorn with them. They love my homemade popcorn. I get so much joy out of watching them enjoy it. I was excited for that. We were all excited about tonight. We haven't been able to spend time together, all of us, in a couple of weeks. The kids have had activity after activity. My evenings have been full of work and returning emails. Why was I too tired to stay up and play games with them last night? Now I feel bad. I wish I would have done that. The ambulance is here and they are rushing around in a panic. They look worried. I don't feel worried. I feel peace. It’s peaceful up here. Seemingly more peaceful than down below. I just want to go home, though. I wish I could get down to my body and go home. Forget that sparkling water and go home to my family. They probably aren't concerned yet, although I don't really know how long I've been laying there. I don’t want them to be disappointed. Hopefully, I can get the help I need so I can get back to them and we can get on with our night. Maybe they can come to get me from the hospital. Or I could take a cab home when this is all over. I don't know if I’ll be back before bedtime and I don’t want them to have to come out to get me in their PJs. Ok, I can see that I’m getting help now. Hopefully, I can get back down into my body when they are done with their procedures. Then I can go home. They are putting a neck brace on me. I’m sure it’s protocol. They’re loading me onto the stretcher. I can see from here that I still can't breathe very well. Someone please check my pockets, my inhaler is there and I can tell that I need it. I wish I could get down there and just get the inhaler for myself. I wish I wasn't stuck here flying…floating above my body. All I can do is watch. They are loading me into the ambulance. Good. I’ll go get the help I need, then I can get back home. They’ll be expecting me back really soon. I wish I could just call them. Right now all I want is to hear their voices. I know it would give me comfort through this little hiccup. If I could somehow get down there to my phone and dial, I could hold it to my ear and hear their voices. I wish I could cross this plane of separation between me and… me. The paramedic is holding my hand, I can see she’s trying to comfort me, but I wish it was my husband instead. I still feel at peace up here, but I look like I’m in pain. That, me, looks scared. I’m floating over the ambulance and without trying I am following it. I feel tethered to my body- it must be pulling me along with it. The paramedics are driving really fast, their sirens are blaring, but somehow the sirens sound muted to my ears. It feels like I have cotton in my ears… or something. I see blood in my ears, but I don’t feel the blood, up here flying…floating. Ok, we made it to the hospital. Good. I’ll be ok now. I’m tough. I’ll be out of here in no time. I don't think I’ll be making it to movie night, but that’s ok. We can reschedule it. I know my family will understand. The paramedics are taking me into the emergency room very quickly. The doctors are all running around. I’m stuck, I want to get closer, but for some reason, I can't. Why am I stuck here flying…floating? They found my cell phone. They are making a call from it. I think they are calling my family. I’m glad I added that emergency info a few days ago. I didn’t even know my phone had that feature until my son showed me. He knows more about technology than I do, and he’s only nine. I wish I could hug him right now. That would make everything better. It always does. My family will come and I’ll feel so much relief when I see them. It will be so good to see their faces and give them hugs. I’ve never wanted to hug them more than I do right now. I don't think I kissed and hugged them before I left the house. I think I just told them I'd be right back. I should have told them I loved them, well, they know that, but I should have said it. I'll tell them over and over once they get here. I’m glad the doctors are calling them. I’m sure they are starting to worry now. It will be good to see them when they get here. Will I even be able to get close enough to my body, to them, to hug them? Maybe by the time they arrive, the doctors will be done with their procedures and I will be back in my body, out of this holding flying…floating pattern. Ohhh, in my mind I can see my family's faces now. The most beautiful faces on the planet. I’m remembering so many wonderful memories. My first date with my husband. We were so young, only teenagers. We had no idea what life had in store. Oh, it’s our wedding day, it was perfect. Everyone we cared about was there. There was a blizzard on that day- if rain was good luck on your wedding day, then a blizzard had to be extra good luck, the kind of luck that stuck around. I feel lucky. Oh, my heart, my first son being born. He is perfect, the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. That was painful...childbirth. The state I’m in doesn't look as painful as that. My second baby. He was a surprise, but a gift. When I got pregnant with him, I didn’t think I could ever love another child as much as my first, but somehow my heart grew, and oh the love poured out of me like a river, for both of them. Oh, my babies. I love them. Ah, I remember the tender moments in the middle of the night, waking up with my babies. Holding them. Rocking them. Those nights felt like they would never end. But they did. I’m so glad I held them like that, time went too fast. I’m glad I took the time to watch their sleeping faces and listen to their soft breathing. They’re getting so big now, growing into such amazing young men. I’m excited to see what they become. They are incredible humans, teaching me more than I’ll ever be able to teach them. I look forward to watching them grow. Yes, they are growing too fast. Time is a thief. My husband, and my boys, they’ve given me the best years of my life. Oh my, so many happy memories. This is good for my soul. Am I seeing these memories, or is me below seeing them? I hope the me below is seeing this. This will certainly give me the willpower to get through anything. All of those beautiful memories- camping trips, quiet gentle moments, waffles, hugs, silliness, laughter, rolling in the grass, soccer games on cold Saturday mornings, even folding tiny clothes. I would go back home and gladly do that again. I wish I didn't spend so much time doing all of those meaningless tasks today. I didn't know I was going to miss movie night. If I had known we could have had movie day instead. The kids would have loved that! I’m still flying but I feel a tug. Are they giving me CPR? Yes, I think they are. Ok, good. That’s good. If my heart is giving them a hard time, they should do that. That is protocol. I’m sure once they finish, I'll be back in my body and on the mend. I'll be heading home in no time now. They do look frantic, though. I’m still flying…floating here. They are still doing CPR and they gave me an injection. Ok, good, the injection should help. Anytime now I'll be back in my body. Are they stopping? I do feel like I'm getting further away. My body below is getting smaller and smaller. I’m floating further and further. I wish my family would come quickly. I just need their hugs. That will get me through. That will bring me back. I wish they were here. I miss them. I miss my kids. I do feel peace though. They’ll be ok. They’ll be ok. I’m. They'll be ok. The tether is gone. I think…I’m swirling into nothingness. I think…I think I died. I think I’m. I’m flying further and further from my body. I see light, bright light, warm light. My family will be ok. I love them… I hope you hear me say this, I love you. I’m sorry I didn’t get to have movie night with you. I miss you already. I miss you so much. But I’m ok. Don't cry for me. I’m ok. I’ll find new ways to tell you that I love you. Don't worry about me. I’ll visit you, I promise. You’ll just have to look deeper, see me in the unexpected places. I’ll be there, in your hearts. Always. I’ll always love you, and no distance could change that. My love is so deep, and so far, and so wide- I love you to the moon, and stars, and Mars- I’ve told you those words a billion times. Don't forget them. Please don't forget that I love you. I’m sorry for your grief, but I’m ok. We've had a great life. I lived well. Experienced much. I have no hard feelings. I can go in peace. I'm ok. I’m floating… flying away. I've always wanted to fly...

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