Feather in the Wind

I’ve always been fascinated by feathers. The way they float to the ground, slowly and gracefully, easily affected by wind, but never interrupted in their pattern of remarkable beauty. Each one so unique, connected to something that you may never get to witness in its full form. Finding a feather has always been so symbolic for me, representative of some force greater than that of any human, guiding us along our individual paths in a very interconnected way. There is a sense of magic when you find a feather, especially when it is of a rare species, color, size, or texture. They always have a way of finding you at just the right time, in just the right place, reminding you that you are never alone.

That was exactly how it felt when I found my favorite feather. It was a cold winter morning and I was out walking through the New England woods. Staring up at the bare trees, I could see my breath hitting the frozen air. At times I would stop and watch as my breath floated up and away, envisioning it to be a spirit floating on the wind, coursing through the air and melding with the forest. It was always my dream to fly through the forest and envisioning any part of myself having such an experience felt like my soul was coming home to something I could never name.

I walked along the thick snow, hearing it crack underneath my winter boots. The sound of crunching snow was so satisfying. The top layer having frozen over created an icy soundscape for each step forward. I was entranced by the beauty of nature as usual this morning. It was unclear whether my head was stuck in the clouds with thoughts of flying above the treetops, or if my feet were stuck in the ground, fascinated by the sights and sounds of nature so vividly surrounding me. Finding that balance was never easy but today, as much as I dreamed of soaring through the skies, feeling the tingling sensation of wings on my back, I was actually more focused on the ground.

I hadn’t found a feather or any sign of animal life on one of my morning walks in quite some time. I was eager to stumble upon another sign of life nearby. I kept my gaze down towards the path in front of me, focusing on finding a new treasure. I had grown accustomed to walking and scanning for beauty, rather than paying attention to the path and where my feet were going next. This seemed to pose more of a threat in the months without snow, as exposed roots from trees were constantly battling with me and bringing me closer to the forest floor.

I trusted the icy snow to remain solid underneath me and flat enough to not carry the threat of falling over. I remained focused on my goal of finding something new and exciting along my path and did not stop to think about anything else. I walked along through the curves and bends of the trail, feeling the trees grow closer together, surrounding me like a comforting hug as I entered into the deepest part of the forest.

It had been a quiet walk so far. As I entered into this section of the deep woods, the wind had started to pick up. I couldn’t feel it on my body, as I was bundled in many layers of shirts, sweaters, and jackets. What caught my attention was the sound of the trees scratching against one another and the slight rustle of leaves from the few trees that still had them hanging on. I glanced upwards to watch the treetops dance in the breeze but did not stop walking. As I was staring up at this beautiful dance, my right boot slipped on a patch of slick ice. In an attempt to stay balanced, I moved my left foot up and tried to step over the frozen patch. Instead of balancing and stopping, I slid further. I felt the world turn into slow motion as I had one foot in the air and one foot gliding forward. It felt like a drawn out attempt at ice skating. But with no skates on, the world sped up again as I fell face first down into the snow. Luckily, where I fell was not fully a patch of ice. I was able to feel some softer snow under my chest and arms. I peered up over the snow in my eye line and saw something floating forward. Forgetting about the pain of falling, I quickly leaned into my palms, sweaty under my gloves, and propelled myself up into a sitting position.

I watched the object skating along, almost mocking me in its ability to avoid getting stuck on anything. I knew right away it must be some sort of feather or leaf but the sun was shining against the snow, making the world glaringly bright and hard to see.

“Please wait for me” I whispered to the mystery object as I carefully darted forward.

It did not listen to me and instead continued sliding forward down the trail. I was trying my best to catch up to it without slipping on any ice patches. Keeping my eyes glued on this mystery while quickly looking down at the ground every once in a while felt like an exhausting task, but it did not take very long for me to catch up with it. It was only a minute or two later that I ended up looking at the best thing I have ever found walking through the woods.

As soon as it was close enough to grab I reached out my hand and plucked it off of the snow. I didn’t want to risk the wind whisking it away again so I grabbed it without thinking about what it was or where it came from.

I held my gloved hands out in front of me and laid it flat on my palms. It was a feather. And it was one I had never seen before. Against the contrasting black color of my gloves, parts of it appeared to almost glow. It was bright white on the very bottom and up along the right side, interrupted by small patches that turned into longer stripes towards the top. The very top of the feather was a darker brown, which faded out into a lighter and lighter hue of a tannish-yellow as it flowed under the striped patches and connected with the white. It must have been at least 8 inches long, as the feather laid beyond the outer sides of my hands. I gripped it lightly in my gloves, but I was very eager to bring it back home and examine it more closely without gloves on. I held onto it gently, but tightly, so I wouldn’t lose it as I made my way back home.

...

When I arrived back at my cabin I opened the door quickly and was grateful to see that the fire was still glowing in my woodstove. I shook off my boots and ran over to my desk to place the feather down.

I went back to the front entryway and pulled my gloves off and then my jacket and then the second layer of clothing, throwing them all on the floor. I didn’t care to hang them by the fire to get warm and dry right now. I was too focused on discovering what kind of feather this was.

By my desk was a bookshelf stuffed full of books on identifying things in nature from trees and leaves to animal prints and feathers. I scanned the shelf quickly and found the book on feather identification. It was a yellow hardcover book with black text along the spine. The tops and sides were falling apart from years of use well before I ever got my hands on it. I placed it on my desk next to the feather and sat down in my chair. I turned on my desk lamp and got to work.

I still hadn’t even touched the feather with my bare hands by the time I found the page. It was an owl feather. A female Barn owl to be exact. It looked as though it came from the left wing. This was my first owl feather that wasn’t from the tail. I had found only two other owl feathers before, and they were nowhere near as beautiful as this one. I couldn’t quite figure out what was so alluring about this one though. It wasn’t as strikingly beautiful as a bright white Snowy owl feather, or as consistently patterned and striped like a Great Horned owl’s.

Barn owls were actually incredibly rare in this part of New England. It was further north than they were known to travel, and being in the woods made it especially peculiar. They usually hung around areas like farmlands with more open fields which is why they are called Barn owls. It made the feather even more spectacular to find.

I spent the rest of the day researching Barn owls, aside from tending to the fire and making myself tea, I was enthralled by this find. It was reaching dusk when I finally realized I hadn’t fully lifted it up to look at it and feel it in my hands. I had touched parts of it here and there and noticed that it was incredibly soft.

I stood over my desk and held the feather in my hands like I did when I first found it in the woods. It was soft and extremely light weight. It felt as if it was floating on top of my palms. I had the urge to wrap my fingers around it, fully enclosing it in my hands.

As soon as my finger tips reached over it I closed my eyes and heard a high pitched screech. It was so loud and so sudden that my eyes flew open and I dropped the feather. It floated wistfully down and around my one-room cabin and landed at the foot of my bed.

I looked around as soon as I let go to see where the sound had come from but I could not see anything out of the ordinary in the cabin. I was surprised that I didn’t feel more afraid but after years of living out here alone, so interconnected with nature and wildlife, animal noises did not really affect me much anymore.

I closed my eyes, took in a deep breath and sighed on the exhale. Maybe it was nothing. I noticed the fire getting smaller and I busied myself with tending to it and getting the cabin ready for another bitterly cold evening. I realized I hadn’t eaten all day and made myself dinner over my small propane stove. Afterwards I got ready for bed and grabbed a book to curl up with, forgetting almost entirely about my owl feather.

Before going to sleep I got up to use the bathroom and saw the feather lying on the floor by the edge of the bed. On my way back in I grabbed it and placed it on my night stand right beside my pillow. I got in bed and covered myself in as many blankets as I could to stay warm and toasty throughout the freezing night. I looked over at the woodstove and watched as the logs crackled and burned behind the small glass window. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the feather almost glowing again as it had outside in the sunlight. It seemed odd, though, as it wasn’t an all white feather and the room wasn’t very well lit anymore. Aside from the glow of the fire there was one small lamp on. I had a small solar panel and used that for a few small things, such as my lamps. I needed the light to feel some human comfort on the lonely nights out here alone in the woods. It didn’t make any sense for this low, orange lighting to give the feather a white glow.

I leaned up with my back against my pillows and reached over for the feather. I grabbed it in both of my hands again and almost screamed. I heard the same high pitched screeching sound, louder than before, somehow in both of my ears. I dropped the feather and the sound stopped.

I was never one to deny that magic existed but I also couldn’t say that I had ever truly experienced it up until this point. Though it wasn’t right away that I discovered the feather’s true nature, I had a growing suspicion that there was something very unique about this particular feather.

I leaned my head back against the wall with the feather resting on my lap. I decided to try holding it again and see if the sound came back. I closed my eyes this time and held on. The sound came back screeching around my entire head. I focused on it, holding the feather tightly. Behind my closed eyelids I saw a flash of glowing white fly by. I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling.

This has to be my imagination, I thought to myself, this cannot be real. But still, something inside me wanted nothing more than to keep closing my eyes and listening to this sound. So I continued trying over and over again. Sometimes I would leave my eyes open and squeeze the feather but the sound came across quieter and more dull that way. So I closed my eyes and squeezed, allowing the sound to penetrate my entire head. I was hoping to see that flash of white light flying by again but it didn’t happen.

I started to grow more tired and was struggling to stay awake. My hand's grip became lighter and the feather eventually ended up resting on my palms, almost floating again, as my eyes fluttered closed.

...

My eyes flew open to the sound of a rapid tapping against the window closest to my bed. Without even thinking about the feather, I jumped up and grabbed my flashlight. I stood back a few feet and stopped to listen for the sound before pointing my flashlight at it. I wanted to make sure I hadn’t dreamt the sound. The room went silent and it did not occur to me that the darkness was deeper than ever. The fire was out and so was the lamp beside my bed. I never slept without one of those two things on throughout the night. It scared me too much to be alone in this deep, hallowing darkness.

I held my breath as I continued listening, hoping that would make it easier to hear the noise or to not be heard by whatever was making the noise. I held my flashlight so tightly that my hand began throbbing. A few seconds into holding my breath the tapping sound started up again. Whatever it was sounded sharp and strong. I could make out that there were a few points where it was hitting the window and it became obvious that this was some sort of animal. I relaxed a little bit and loosened the grip on my flashlight. It didn’t scare me nearly as much as the thought of encountering another human being out here, which is also why a light being on usually eased my mind. A person looking for a place to hang out in the woods wouldn’t suspect my cabin was available if a light was always on.

I stood there for a while longer to investigate what this animal was up to and how large it could be. I did not want to harm it’s eyes or scare it by shining the light right at it. After a third round of tapping claws against the glass another sound came out. It was a high pitched screeching, long and drawn out. It wasn’t nearly as piercing to listen to as it had been when I held the feather earlier but I knew right away that this was the same sound.

I inched closer to the window to get a better look at the creature. I pointed my flashlight down towards the bottom of the window frame and caught a glimpse of its feet. Two scaly feet with thick pointed talons sat there gripping the outer edge of my window. I could barely see the end of the talons as they were tucked around the wooden frame. I slowly panned my eyesight upwards to view the magnificent creature fully. It was a female barn owl in all shades of brown, tan, and white. Speckled on the belly and striped on the wings. The face was all white and shaped like a heart with two large, black, beady eyes in the center. It was harder to make out its beak, which was a lighter color that almost blended in perfectly with the all white face.

I was so entranced in studying this owl that I had stopped thinking about anything else. I had never seen an owl this close and it did not make any sense that it would be here, at my window in the forest. For whatever reason though, I did not try to make any sense of it and instead just followed an inner urge to get closer.

I was close enough to the window at this point to almost touch it. I kneeled down on the ground so my eyes were at the same level as the owl’s. It opened its beak slowly and I knew it was about to screech again. In my mind I spoke to her, please don’t screech, I can hear you already. And just like that, her beak closed. She blinked quickly and then moved one of her feet upwards as if she were motioning at me to open the window.

I stared at her for another second and thought, please be gentle and slow because I don’t want to get spooked. I want to be your friend.

I did not understand why my thoughts were leading me in this way. I loved animals and I did want to be their friend but I was still wary of the fact that I couldn’t always understand their motives. She could have come flying in and harmed me with her talons or destroyed my home. I didn’t care though.

I put my hands against the window as gently as I could and I pushed the window open as far as I could. We were sitting there face to face, not moving or even blinking for a minute. It was almost like she was taking in my beauty as much as I was taking in hers. I thought she was going to come flying in the room as soon as it was open but she didn’t budge.

I felt a nudge inside of myself to hold out my hand. I lifted it softly towards her without coming close enough to touch in case that would scare her. She lifted her feet off of the window frame and carefully placed one on my hand. She wrapped her toes around two of my fingers and I could feel her cold talons pressing against my knuckles. I took in a quiet, deep breath. There was a tiny shred of fear in me that was growing stronger with the feeling of her sharp talons against my bare skin. She lifted the next foot off of the window frame and again wrapped her toes and talons around two of my fingers.

None of my motions throughout this whole event were thought out with logic and reasoning. Instead I was following my intuition and some sort of force outside of myself. I did not think about what was happening and I did not try to make any sort of human-minded sense of the situation. I just went with it. It was a new feeling for me but it was extremely freeing.

I lifted my knees off of the ground while holding my hand steady for her. She didn’t budge but instead blinked quickly again. She was staring into my eyes the entire time I maneuvered my body up into a standing position.

I stared back into her eyes and felt myself being flooded with questions. Why are you here? What do you want to show me? Do you need something?

She blinked again, in response to my questioning thoughts. Before I had enough time to conjure up any more questions, her wings spread out wide and started to flap. She hadn’t let go of my fingers yet and I felt my hand lift up with her body. I wished for a moment that I would be able to fly with her, wherever she could take me.

She jolted her head over so that she was directly facing my bed. I turned to look at what it was that caught her eye. It was the feather. Laying there on top of the blankets, waiting for us. Once again it appeared to glow. She held out her wing and there was a small glow penetrating out through the layers of feathers inside.

She must want it back, I thought, worried that I’d taken something I shouldn’t have.

I leaned over to reach for the feather but her talons dug into my fingers. I winced and jumped back up. I looked into her eyes and she stared into mine.

It’s yours now. I want you to keep it. We are one. I heard her respond to my thoughts from some place deep inside. I was growing more nervous now as reality was starting to seep into my mind, fighting away thoughts that this could be some force of magic that I was being called to.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath convincing myself I must be dreaming.

Before I got too lost in thought, I felt a nudge again. I opened my eyes and followed without hesitation. Placing my other hand on top of her feet so that I was completely clasping her feet in between my palms. I closed my eyes again and let out a sigh.

Behind my closed eyelids I saw that flash of light flying by. This time it flew out of sight and back into sight three times before I could understand what it was doing. It flew in and out growing closer each time. It was her, the owl, circling in towards me.

Do you want to fly with me?

I gasped out loud. She had spoken to me. I responded in thought, of course. It has always been my biggest dream to be able to fly. But how?

I felt my insides leaping upwards as she wrapped her feet more tightly around my hand. My hand started to lift again and my arm went with it.

How can you lift my whole body? It doesn’t make sense, shouldn’t I -

She cut me off mid-sentence, my friend, you must stop questioning magic. I chose you because you have a propensity for something far deeper than logic. There is a power within you that has only grown stronger throughout your years here in the woods. You have given so much to all the creatures and beings of the forest. Let us show you the truth in return.

My mouth cracked open into a smile without any effort. I felt a surge of excitement bubbling up within me.

“I trust you. I am ready” I said aloud.

I knew it was better to keep my eyes closed and avoid thoughts of disproving this truth. With my eyes squeezed shut and my heart pounding, she began to lift me slowly. She repositioned her feet so that she was holding fingers from both of my hands in each of her feet.

Together we floated upwards. My feet lifted swiftly off of my cabin floor and I felt a rush of air circling around me. With my eyes still shut, I could only focus on a whimsical display of colors that had started splashing around, forgetting completely about where I was and what I was doing. Then, when the room started getting colder it made me more aware of where I was.

By this point I was fully off of the ground and my body was swinging slightly back and forth. I could hear the air that was circling beginning to pick up speed and I felt the moonlight hit my face. Suddenly I remembered that I was inside my cabin where, at any point, I may hit the ceiling. We were moving faster and faster now and I began to brace myself for the impact.

I turned my head up towards the ceiling and tried hard to keep my eyes closed. I figured it would be less intense if I wasn’t anxiously awaiting it. I couldn’t help myself from opening my eyes just a crack though. What I saw made my mouth drop open.

The ceiling had completely disappeared. I was staring up at the open night sky watching as the stars grew closer and the cabin fell away underneath my feet. It was the most incredible thing I had ever seen. I couldn’t help but wonder if the owl was just going to continue dragging me by the hands or if I would be able to actually fly myself.

It turns out it wasn’t either one of those options. The owl looked down at me and I saw her wink before she let go and I started falling. The ground seemed to be headed towards me at the speed of light and once again I braced myself for impact. I was moving too fast to even have time to think about it, until I felt a tug at my shirt.

The owl's talons dug into my shirt but it did not rip. I felt her toes curl against my back and was once again swooshed away up into the night sky. It was only a second later that we were in the open air above the treetops. I spread my arms out wide as if they were wings. Everything else seemed to float away, including the sensation of the owl’s feet on my back.

I was flying. Leaning slightly left and then slightly right then swooping down and back up, I was gliding effortlessly through the sky, avoiding the treetops. I felt tears well up in my eyes as I stared out at the world in front of me. It was magical. None of my dreams of what flying was like could do this justice. I was frozen in time in this magical experience. Letting go of any tension or control, I simply let the wind and my new friend guide me to wherever we were meant to go. There were no worries about the cold air or the snow. I was completely lost in the moment.

I closed my eyes and felt all of the sensations hitting my body. Joy, elation, pure childlike bliss. I had never felt so wonderful before, so sure that anything was possible, so safe. I let out a shout of glee.

The owl let go. I was, once again, descending towards the snowy ground but I was not afraid. I didn’t even bother to open my eyes. I trusted that whatever happened next was what was meant to happen.

A rush of frozen air swirled around my face and then I heard a crackling sound. I opened my eyes and could not believe where I was.

I looked up and found myself staring at the ceiling of my cabin. The roof was still very much intact and I was in bed. The light was on and the fire was just turning into embers now. I glanced down at my hands and saw that the feather was resting on top of them, unmoved. I felt a wave of grief washing over me as I realized it had all been nothing more than a dream.

I rolled over to face the fire and found myself thinking, magic just can’t be real.

A cold gust of air flew in and I noticed that a window was open. I never opened the windows in the winter time, especially at night. I sat up and looked outside. All I could see was the moonlight shining over the tops of bare trees. I stood up and went to shut the window. After it was closed I took a moment to stare out into the night sky.

I took in a deep breath and sighed, feeling heavy hearted. I was just about to turn back around and get into bed when I heard the sound again. A high pitched screech came from the sky. Immediately I turned my face up towards the moonlight. A Barn owl was flying by. It turned its head to look in my direction and screeched one more time. A flash of light shot by and I couldn’t help but to smile.