Freedom in Frame

After enduring the harshness of reality, I found myself yearning for the feeling of being free, the feeling of fleeing from my stoic stance on the hard surfaces of Mother Earth. Attached by a rope and twine umbilical cord, her invisible pull was strong and steady but it never left me enough space to leap up into the heavens. Into the galaxies beyond her reach. Or anywhere beyond her protective bubble for that matter. But the desire within me never ceased. I longed for that leap for years.

Those formative years were spent finding solace in the rough and rocky dirt that surrounded me. There was comfort in the pain caused by tumbling through thorns and weeds, rolling down the sides of rocky mountains, washing up on freezing cold shores. To further my comfort I buried myself in ocean waves that were too rough to surf on top of. The sandy shores washed away the traces of my physical reality each day. I escaped the tragedy of grief and despair through Mother Earth’s dark, cold, underground lairs.

As a child I craved the darkness of the icy caves where I allowed the bitter cold snowflakes to adorn my face. For me, it was a reminder of my own disgrace. It forced my mind to stop wandering to that place, even if the sunlight somehow lived within it. That place where the knowledge of my true pain lived, locked behind a natural stone door, too heavy to lift and too buried to dig under. With the word fear emblazoned in bold lettering on the front, it could scare off anyone.

Behind that door lived stories that I refused to allow near the surface or the shores. It was a door that held horror that I could not endure. Repressed and buried is where it belonged, somewhere from which my mind hoped I would quickly move on. Leaving it locked and forgotten, repressed from the nostalgic viewfinder that lived beneath my eyes left me free from any unwanted surprises. I saw this door once and never looked back; I stayed gladly awake in the ice cave of darkness.

When I had no other choice but to lay myself to rest, I closed my eyes and sent my mind through a test; I quizzed myself on the ways I could escape this awful fate. I would only go to lay down when it got late and pray until the pain dissipated enough for me to sleep. I would sleep until I had no choice but to wake and face yet another day. Every morning when I would wake I would find my mind back in those times and those spaces. The ones where there were humans with all too familiar faces, coming towards me, smiling and smirking mysteriously. Those were the faces that knew they would find their next victim within me.

It was not until I turned eighteen, that the frightening faces would begin to slowly leave me, disguised by a new troubled mind that wanted to unwind beside me. Another master trickery that fooled me into a romanticized sense of disbelief. Isolated from the few I could call home, I found myself lost again, left on an old dirt road. Scared, anxious, and all alone. I was just glad I had one true friend to call to in the unknown. A shout to the vast world around me left me comforted with a brotherly hand to hold. Laughter to share and innocent mocking was all it would take to stop my mind from spiraling.

As I moved on, I still longed for new ways to escape my own reality. My brotherly support was consistently holding my hand, caring for me proudly even when his own world sometimes got too cloudy. He and I found solace in the tides as we learned how to let the water wash our sadness out, if only for a brief moment. Our nights were spent dipping our toes into the bitter cold New England ocean, hoping for some other-worldly magic to crack our hearts and minds open.

The fear continued to linger though, and it was not long before the locked door grew closer to the surface, and reminded me that the shore is still covering something buried very deep. I used my ritual healing method and fell into a long, hypnotic, drawn out sleep. Not long enough after I had gone to bed, I woke up with that never ending, gut wrenching, feeling of dread. Something inside me told me what was meant to happen next. The voice shouted, growing louder and louder in my head, “Your one true support in life is now dead. These memories will lie solely in your own head. You must learn to resurface if you wish to conquer these lifelong, familial sins.”

I no longer had any choice but to choose whether I wanted to sink or swim. I was truly alone now. No one would answer if I shouted on a whim. So I took a breath in and started to swim. I swam for hours which turned into days which turned into weeks and then into months. The tidal waves of grief washed over me intermittently. I had no choice but to keep pushing through, to try my hardest to reach the edge of that long forgotten beach.

When I finally reached the edge, I allowed the waves to wash me ashore. I laid in the sand and sobbed, praying for a miracle to bring me his long forgotten, yet still familiar hand. I knew it would not come anymore, so eventually I buried myself deep down underneath that shore. Below Mother Earth’s surface I indulged in my best known healing ritual. I laid my heart to rest in the residual warmth left by the one I had lost. I buried my body in layers of sand somewhere far away from the light of day. I wept until I could no longer feel my physical being anymore, until my mind would no longer stay awake.

After a year of deep sleep I awoke, covered in dirt and mud. Pebbles and rocks were shoved in my sides, splinters under my nails. New pieces of Earth stuck in me where they shouldn't have been, so many different scratches now adorned my skin. As I studied each physical mark, I could not imagine how I had not noticed these bruises from the start. These scars that were left by a life filled with loss, left me unable to comprehend how I still had a beating heart.

I scooped up my courage and took in a breath. I knew it was time to look at this mess. In studying the pain I began to wither and wilt away. I could not sustain a life in this way, not anymore, not even for one more day. I begged and pleaded for some sort of escape. Soon enough, I began to meet my fate. My willingness was the key that unlocked that buried gate. Near or far away, this now allowed the doorway to activate.

Not long after, the memories came flooding in as I felt Mother Earth's cord strengthen its connection to me. I reached down to hold onto it as it began to lift me, up and away from the sadness and misery. The umbilical cord of my home planet extended like a retractable leash and it held me while I began to finally flee.

Slowly, as I laid on my back, I lifted up off the ground. My physical body drifted towards the edge of Mother Earth's big, blue bubble. I turned my head to look around and saw that I was flying way above the surface now. The sky’s soft clouds surrounded me in a pillow of safety. I watched as the billions of houses and buildings grew smaller until they slowly but surely escaped my view point. I sighed with relief. Sweet, sweet relief. The constructs of reality no longer coud hold on to me. I was almost free. The anticipation immediately swept over me as I floated aimlessly towards a place where I could feel free.

I went on for hours, which turned into days, until I finally reached beyond the clouds. I felt myself gently touch the rounded exterior of Mother Earth. I braced my body and squeezed as she pushed me out of the bubble. So calmly, without a single mark on her outer shell to display, I squirmed my way out. I had finally escaped, and she had actually let me. But somewhere within I felt that small tug of familiarity. I knew she was still grabbing a hold of me. That umbilical cord was permanent for the duration of my human lifespan. And to my surprise, for once it began to feel less like a prison that tethered me to a dark human world and more like safety that returned me to Earth’s natural beauty.

I left the bright blue light of day and entered into the dark blue light of space. The stars greeted me, as if we'd seen each other before, as if they had recognized my face. I waved hello to each and every one as my cord continued to unravel and swiftly come undone. My rope stayed connected but no longer was it so tightly wound. I floated on with the joy of knowing that I was no longer strictly earthbound.

The smallest pieces of dirt and rock slowly lifted from my body. The act of zero gravity pulled the painful pieces of Earth out and far away from me. They floated off without a trace, into the vast and deep nothingness of outer space. The scars that were left remained merely to remind me I was no longer so unsafe.

I glanced around and took in the light of each and every burning star. I longed for years to reach them. So bright and so warm, they entranced me in their beauty, and the magic that they formed. To float aimlessly in a place of darkness, where it was easy to find light if you just looked around was a magic all in itself. To feel the warmth of the burning fires so close that the cold of the never ending night did not sting at all; it did not even try to bite.

I continued floating as the whispers of the universe began to envelop me. The repressed memories started spilling out of me. One by one the wounds opened and the scars came undone, lifting the painful past I once knew away from my physical body. I felt the weightlessness wash over me. I felt peace. I knew now that I was finally free, and the stars told me to be happy. I had always had it in me. I wondered if I could stay in this place where no one had to know my face to know me. Where I was free from the constraints of trying to figure who I was supposed to be. I wanted to stay here and swim amongst the galaxies. I wanted to watch the universe slowly bounce by as I drifted through her beautiful space. To watch orbs of life celebrate and rejoice as I graciously swam in the darkness outside. I longed to be the light that they saw flying by, that reminded them it's okay to keep trying. Keep trying. Keep trying.

The words echoed in my mind. As much as I wished to never stop flying, I knew that it meant it was now time. The tethered rope and twine was running out of line. But for once, I didn't mind.

I slowly began to go back in time, drifting through space, to a place where freedom was all mine. The rope pulled me into a home I had once felt nothing but unwanted in.

I floated backward and retraced my movements in the galaxies. The Milky Way supported me as I wound myself back down to my home, feeling free. I wasn't tangled, I wasn't mangled, I was just me, a creature of space and time and galaxies.

I propelled faster and faster the closer I got to my home planet. I hit the surface, with a rush of familiar air I squeezed back inside, like indenting a bubble so close to popping but knowing it would be alright. Mother Earth was always airtight. I made it back home, but I was still up so high.

I knew what I had to do this time, with my face turned towards the ground I reached out and grabbed that umbilical cord. I tugged on it slowly to pull myself back to the surface of Earth. I hoped I would find a soft spot to land, grass and leaves, or water and sand. I no longer feared the entrance to the ground that held me steady. I knew there were soft and shady spots always awaiting me, all along they were always ready.

I felt the wind pick up around my body as I began to propel closer to the one Mother who could never betray me. I watched as the buildings expanded and the trees called out to me.

“Welcome home” they shouted as the wind blew through their leaves. I approached quickly, and soon realized they were shouting with glee at the very sight of me.

I reached my hands out to feel the softness of their leaves and the needles that no longer hurt quite as much. I even allowed them to poke me. I knew I could escape them easily, but I had no reason to, as I was now completely free.

I found the soft shady grass near the sandy shore and begged for Mother Earth to pull me closer to her. I had left my fear in space and urged Mother Earth to allow the rough ground to hit my face.

“I can handle it,” I told her, “it's what I'm meant to embrace.”

She propelled me inward with her invisible arms. She grabbed my body, and held onto my heart. Suddenly I dropped and hit the cool, soft ground. The freedom I had longed for I had now found.

Mother Earth held me tightly and whispered in my ear, “If you need freedom from the pain, you know it's right here. Just look within, and inside you will find the suffering you experience is all in your mind. Allow the ropes to unwind, take your mind back to the time where you floated amongst the stars and watched life fly on by.”

I rolled over onto my back just in time to see the clouds fill up the sky. They covered the sun for a moment, as if Mother Earth was winking, somehow communicating to me that it is now time. I gathered myself and stood up straight. And with a smile on my face I looked up towards space.

“Let it rain” I sang out. “Let it pour. Let the storms come over and flood the shores.”

And as I sang out my melody, the rain began to pour over me. The rushing water washed my physical body of any trace of mud or dirt. I felt the coolness of raindrops running down my cheeks. It was cold on the outside, but internally it felt like Mother Earth’s warmest embrace. How finally happy I was to feel the power and the presence of such a magical and loving home.