Endure the Abyss

-

The splinter in my thumb itches like hell. I pick at it with my pocket-knife under the desk while pretending to listen. Sister Gable is babbling something about fire, I can never follow these religious lectures; they’re so boring. I squeeze my thumb hard with my finger and try to get under the splinter with my knife, it hurts, but the pain is better than this unrelenting itch. I’ve almost got it.

“Mister Adams?”

“Yes Sister?” I reply automatically. Shit! I almost had it.

“Well, which angelic archetype is it?”

“Uh…Seraphim.” I state with bravado. I have no clue but might as well go for it.

“Correct, boy.” Her squinty eyes don’t match her approving tone. I think she’s more disappointed than surprised. She loves to yell at me. “When you’ve finished mutilating your thumb, Master Drummand wants to see you.”

-

The headmaster’s waiting room is still quite impressive despite being all too familiar. Goliad may be a backwater, but the school certainly splurged on carpenters. Masterfully crafted and stained wood seemed to cover every surface. I notice a new detail of impeccable craftsmanship every time I sit here. A meticulously restored grandfather clock hypnotically ticks rhythmically; it’s comforting. There’s a comfort to being in trouble. Familiarity brings peace. We all fulfill our roles, or we suffer for it.

“Come in Mister Adams” Drummand calls from his office.

“Yes, sir?” I ask opening the door. I don’t bother to look up or sit, I know what’s coming.

“You’ve been called in again”

“Doesn’t seem fair, sir.”

“It is not.”

“Why me?” I ask looking up for the first time, I see rare, but genuine compassion in his eyes.

“You know why. I wish with all my soul that I could go for you, Nathan. Report to the Artificer’s at noon tomorrow.”

-

I can’t go there again. One’s only protection there is their worthlessness. I’m only fifteen and I’ve gone more than anybody. Four times is enough. It feels there’s less of me every time I come back, that I am less. I’m not sure there will be anything left of me if I even manage make it back this time.

Grabbing my coat and backpack, I head outside into the cool pregnant air of the fall afternoon. I love this time of year, the fallen leaves crunching between my beat up shoes and the cobblestone path feels as pleasant as it sounds. It’s much better to crush than to be crushed.

The other kids out are already avoiding my gaze, how do they know? If they know, it’s because Robbie knows. If my little shit of a brother knows, my parents know. If my parents know, I really don’t feel like going home right now. I think will head to my dock.

-

A few hundred yards upstream of the new mill lies my dock. I call it ‘mine’ because I built it. I felled the trees, shaped the wood, bored the piers, it’s mine. I put it deep within in a little grove of trees to hide it. I’d only shown two people, so I’m surprised, maybe disappointed, to see a silhouette against the setting sun.

My heart jumps into my throat a little bit when I realize it is the lithe and sensual silhouette of Adeline Evers. I’ve had a crush on her since I was twelve. She is a little older than me, but so much more beautiful than the girls in my class and way cooler, she’s the best rider in town aside from me. My horse, Ajax is a jerk though, hers actually listens to her.

“I see you, Nathan Adams.” She softly hollers in her sultry, slightly raspy voice.

“I, uh, I see you too.” I spluttered out clumsily, blood rushing to my cheeks.

“Come sit with me.”

I casually plop down next to her, light-headed with the faint whiffs of her scent the breeze brushes over me. I let the soles of my shoes tap on the water, cautious not to submerge them.

“So, they called you in again” she asks with an understanding smile.

“Yeah, how does everyone know that already?”

“Robbie.”

“Figures.”

We sat next to each other listening to the dribbling rush of water and watch the sun slide beneath the jagged horizon. In the distant south I hear a barbaric animal bellow, you could hear for miles out here.

“Did you hear that?” I ask her

“Hear what?”

“I thought I heard an animal scream, like a bull. You know, when they charge.”

“You having those dreams again?” She asks twirling strands of her dark red hair in her left hand.

“Yeah, that must be it.”

I let it go because I like this moment and want it to last forever. To advance that desire, I lean back on my elbows and quietly appreciate the stars through the canopy of naked branches.

“Did you know I had to go six times?” she asks breaking the peace.

“Really? No Shit? Six times! I thought I’d gone more than anyone?”

“Nope…You’ll beat my record at this rate though. Last year, a couple months before I turned seventeen, they said I was done. My body would reject the host if they tried. So, I wanted to find you because I know how you’re feeling, and it does end Nathan.”

“Thanks, Addy.” I eventually reply after several awkward minutes of fighting the knot in my throat. “That helps a lot.”

“We’ll never be like them again, and they’ll never let us forget it. That’s why you’re a hero Nathan, the sacrifice you’re making damns you to the very people you’re saving. They don’t burn like we do.” Her voice trembles with controlled rage. “We’ve become the abyss.”

“I can’t believe I never knew you went. Everyone seems to know I’m going before I do. I thought I was the only one in Goliad.”

“Well, you’re not alone. Get the job done fast and get home. Get back in one piece and I’ll teach you how to handle that horse of yours. Can you promise that?” She extends her hand to me as she asks.

“You have my word, Addy.” I smile, relieved. I’m not alone.