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Find yourself

By Victor ChavarriaPublished 4 months ago 12 min read

It was all black. Not specifically dark but absent of light, not quite but absent of sound. The space was infinite and null as the edges of reality were too blurry and changing. Time was there but not the one she knew. It passed, because she could move but even though she could see her hand waving in front of her face, she saw it slow as if deep below water surface, and still she felt time move fast.

There was no air around her, the void was perfect and complete, except for her, as if she was not meant to be there. Still she could feel her chest moving, as if slowly breathing in, and breathing out. She tried to look beyond the darkness, beyond the perpetual shade of black that surrounded her. She then realized that black shapes danced against the black canvas in an infinite tangle of shadows that was both terrifying and very appealing to the girl.

She then realized one of the moving shadows was actually a strand of her own hair falling from her head right in front of her eyes. She took the piece of hair on her fingers, her hair was black but not the color black, it looked like all light was lost to it, she could only see the edges of it. She put the strand behind her ear only for more of it to fall on her face again. The messy hair was tangled and rebellious so she tried to keep as much as she could out of her face but it seemed as if with a mind of its own, the hair tried to go against her will.

She wore a long colorless dress, hanging off her shoulders and too long and wide to show her form. It reached beyond her knees where her legs ended on simple black shoes. Too weary and used to give her any comfort as if they had been used daily for years. She had one sock on her right foot, nothing but the show on the left one.

She tried to take a step and realized she was not standing but floating into the emptiness, still, she felt heavy and the weight of her own being felt as a burden she carried on her shoulders. She was tired.

Her eyes noticed a flick of light in front of her, very far or very close she could not tell. She felt a need to walk, to move towards it but found no way to push herself forward. She felt powerless and lost, so she cried. Not aloud but inside her heart a sorrow was born and from the sorrow a tear came. Lonely as the girl, the tear ran through her cheek and reached her lip. She tasted her tear, it was not salty but sour and the feel of it was dry instead of wet.

She saw the light again, unmoving among the dancing shadows and before another sorrow could emerge on her heart a voice came from beyond and from inside her mind.

“You’re not alone, you’re not lost”

She could more than hear the words, she could feel them in her soul. More than the meaning they carried an emotion, a sentiment she could not understand. They gave her strength, strength that was not hers, but was inside of her, hidden all this time.

She looked at the light again and this time she didn’t feel helpless as the light started growing and slowly moving closer to her.

Stopping right in front of her, she could see the source of the light. An oval shaped mirror as tall as she was unadorned and stained it reflected her image just as she was, but, behind her reflection she saw no darkness but something else. She was in her room, she could see the closed door and the bed where she would sleep every night.

She extended her hand to touch the mirror and the moment her fingers came against the surface of it she realized it was no mirror as her fingers sent a wave across the water like surface and such waves made the reflection change. She saw herself against the darkness now and and behind the real her was her room as if she had come out of the mirror, or maybe, gone inside of it.

She realized she looked different now, her hair no longer a dark tangled mess but it had grown beyond her shoulders, cascading as pale snowy strands that showed no sense of direction or order. Her hair quivered and trembled on its own, like the leaves of a tree dancing to the whisper of wind. She now wore a worn out overall draping over a once vibrant shirt, whose shiny voice had been muted by time. Her shoes too big for her feet were adorned by blue laced socks that were a failed attempt to add a bit of beauty to her outfit.

Looking around she realized her clothes had adapted to the world around her somehow, her clothes were foggy and looked as if they were not really landed on reality but more like partly there and partly, somewhere else.

She recognized the world around her, it was her own room but somehow it looked wrong. Her bed was there as the rest of the furniture but looked more like a reflection of themselves than the actual objects. She then realized that she was small, very small indeed, the world around her was suddenly so menacing and scary, she was unable to interact with it, unable to take part.

She started walking, she could now, as her feet had found the ground beneath her. It took her the physical motion of three steps to move the distance she should with one, the underwater feeling was still there and the only thing she knew for sure was that reality was not as it should be.

She then heard a noise, like a knock but very distant, more than a noise, the echo of one, but the echo of a familiar noise which she identified more by memory than by hearing. Someone was knocking on her door. And then, there was that voice again.

“Hide, quick” it said in a calm but slightly hurried tone.

She looked around, everything was far away and whatever way she looked, things seemed to get farther away, she started running towards the bed trying to make the shadows under it her refuge. It took her what felt like an eternity to reach the security of the shadows and by then she could already hear the hinges of the door creaking, actually she could not hear, but somehow she knew that she was supposed to hear.

From below the bed she peaked, her hair trembling heavily, so white now it was almost transparent, and saw the thing that came into her room. A dark mess of lines and moving dribbles, it’s form not defined as it was ever moving and changing. It seemed to perfectly match the ambient and upon looking at it, the girl felt how her body went stiff, even her hair was petrified, she could see her chest moving faster despite the fact she was not actually breathing.

Somehow she knew that creature was looking for her.

As the creature entered the room everything felt colder, the lack of an atmosphere felt more as a pain than it did before as if the space around her was biting into her skin. The creature walked towards a desk on the other side, as it got closer the desk seemed to shrink and its form tried to morph into something else as if the object was afraid of the creature. But it couldn’t hide and the black shape started violently opening drawers and throwing everything it found to the ground. The scared girl recognized the thing she once owned as they hit the ground and disappeared, blending as smoke into the floor. She gasped as she saw what once was her diary, the little notebook where she could find an escape from the world and be who she really was. It was tainted, stained with vivid red blood on the place it had been touched by the creature. She could see as in slow motion how the notebook flew from the creature’s hand to the ground just in front of her.

She had made no noise but somehow, the creature stopped as if it had heard her. Slowly turned what looked at its head and she could see two white eyes, as twin stars on the canvas of fear. It was looking at her. There was a screech, maybe coming from the creature or maybe coming from everywhere, all at once. There was no sense to the noise that made her head feel like it was about to burst but she could feel disappointment, anger and shame on it. It made her cry again and scream. She opened her mouth and tensed her mouth but there was no sound coming out of her, just the tears racing through her face as if they too tried to run away from the horrible noise.

The creature started coming for her. Unaffected by the weird atmosphere of the place it took quick long strides and it was just a matter of seconds before it was over her, towering like a demonic shadow. The emotions she felt before grew stronger in her and she fell on her knees. There was no hope or fight in her, or so she thought.

Suddenly, everything went straight and she felt a veil of calmness temporarily mute the fear and shame.

“Run. Find yourself. The one that you’re not yet, but will. The one that has no fear.”

The scared girl was not as scared anymore, her hair was all white again and she could move. She could still hear the screech but only in the back of her mind and she was somehow able to feel its meaning. It was tainted with rejection and disapproval. Disappointment was the tone of its voice. She found hope on the voice’s word, she found hope on the one that she was not yet, the one that she one day would be.

Standing back, she looked back at the creature and found courage, deep into her she found bravery and a strength she didn’t know she had.

She saw the creature shrink, the world around her started to change, reality was becoming what it was supposed to be and she was, once again, big enough for her world. The creature was small now and from below it looked at her. Her bed and everything else looked real now, as if they were actually there.

The brave girl, white hair smoothly flowing on her back, leaned and picked the creature with her hand. It still looked at her with hate and rejection but she felt fear no more. It couldn’t harm her but she understood, it was a part of her.

After what felt like a blink of time and space, she was once again facing her own reflection on the mirror. She could see herself in a world so chaotic it was hard to tell what was going on. Placing the shadow creature on her shoulder she again extended her arm and with the tip of her fingers touched the surface of the mirror and her position was switched with her reflection.

She then looked back at her reflection, her hair was now brown, multiple braids danced to a different song each. Individually moving and creating a mess that caused them to occasionally tangle with each other.

Her clothes were made out of hundreds of patches, some new and some old. Some were vibrant, some were opaque. Some were big and some were small. She was wearing two different kinds of shoes and her earrings didn’t match with each other or with the golden chain around her neck.

She turned and looked at the world around her. Instead of the foggy and undefined shapes of before this was a world of sharp lines and high contrast. She was surrounded by a circular wall of tall building-like shapes. Some dark as night and some white as paper, all of them full of doors of different sizes and shapes. Some were small as a bean and some as tall as her knee. Some were wide and some were narrow. She started looking around desperately, a strong feeling growing on her chest. She was not supposed to be there, she didn’t belong. She wanted to but there was nowhere to hide. She felt exposed, seen, and judged. It didn’t matter where she tried to run to, every direction was the same and the buildings would not come any closer no matter how much she tried.

She then sat on the ground, tired and confused. Ashamed of who she was, she didn’t want to be seen. Her ugly and unmatched clothes were not a great camouflage in this strict world.

She then saw how from all the doors, multicolored people started to come out. Each was a different color and a different size. They all walked straight lines, coming out of a door on one side and going back into another one on the other side. As she was in the middle she saw them all walking through her, their colors tingled the closer they went to her so soon they started avoiding the straight route in order to avoid getting close to them.

The lost girl realized how people of different colors had a different style but they all matched between them. All reds walked the same, at the same speed, they almost ran and stepped hard on the ground. The blue ones walked slowly and relaxed. Yellow ones ran in a great hurry.

She felt overwhelmed and screamed again. This time, as before, she opened her mouth and her neck tensed but there was no sound. The creature on her shoulder mimicked her motion with the same result. Silence.

People stopped all around her, they all looked at her and some slowly and some quickly, they all started walking towards her. Soon the space they had created around her started to disappear and she could feel her chest going up and down faster every second. But, right before the first of the yellow figures could reach her everything stopped and a smooth invisible peace seemed to shelter the scene. It was then when she heard the voice again.

“Get up. Find yourself. The one that you’re not yet, but will. The one that loves herself.”

She felt like crying, but this time it was a different kind of tears, they tasted sweet. She got up, she was taller than the creatures and decidedly started walking towards the wall. This time she was getting closer. Everytime she got too close to a person and made contact with it they would explode on a colorful smoke cloud and the air would be filled with different emotions that swarmed her and confused her. It was as if she was attacked by her own mind every time but she remembered the voice and felt strength on its words.

She got to a wall and started looking at the different doors. None was big enough for her to fit through. She tried to pull them and push them wider or taller but she could not. She started feeling desperation and lost again.

But then, the dark creature on her shoulder jumped to the floor and started running. She saw it confused and followed the creature. It reached a small door that was shaped just as the black shadow, as it made for it.

The smart girl understood. She started pulling the little door until it was close to another door and they blended together making a bigger door.

The girl smiled.

She started doing this enough until in front of her there was a door big enough for her. Its frame was golden and shiny, surrounded with sparkles everywhere and it radiated a feeling of security and safeness. She opened the door and crossed the threshold with a smile on her face.

She woke up on her bed. It was still dark outside and her room was quiet. It was her room she realized, everything was where it was supposed to be. She also noticed, on her pillow, a dark small creature, deeply asleep, it was smaller than before and seemed peaceful and she felt empathy for it. Around her neck hung a golden chain holding a little door, she pressed it in her fist and smiled.

The happy girl went to sleep and dreamed. Dreamed of fantastical worlds and happy places. Dreamed of laughs and company, of friendship and love.

She dreamed of love.

Unconditional love.

Short StoryFantasy

About the Creator

Victor Chavarria

I'm a writer not cause I write. I'm a writer cause I'm truly myself when I do.

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    Victor ChavarriaWritten by Victor Chavarria

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