Death by Purpose

I wake up, once more, without purpose-driven ambition. I sneeze, go back to sleep. There is so much time ahead.

The rain in the background makes me lazy. What a good day to procrastinate. I think about getting up and doing what I told myself I would do. It is easy, yet so hard. I remain in bed thinking, deciding how many minutes should I relax there. I decide on ten, and when I look at the time again, half an hour had passed. Time really flies, doesn't it?

The rain still drops in the background and to be honest, I deserve a break. I have worked quite hard the past days. I fall asleep, once more, without purpose-driven ambition.

It is three o’clock when my eyes open again. I am lazy but too tired from laying down. Time to move the body, time to get down to business. I stand up and go to the kitchen. I eat a poorly prepared meal. It is not good. I mean, it tastes okay, but I can tell it is not healthy. Maybe I should not be eating this.

Oh well.

I don't clean, because I will cook again later. Might as well leave it all to be dealt with tonight. Then I think, what should I do with my day?

Minutes pass by while my mind runs the possibilities. So much to do, so much time. Too much time. Why rush? I sit on the couch and turn the TV on. The news are boring, but a new TV show appears. Seems interesting, but it is long. That many hours would end my day without getting anything done. But why not? Why not watch it? There is always tomorrow. I push play, and once more, mindlessly entertain myself, without purpose-driven ambition.

I laugh, I cry. So many feelings, so much emotion. The show was great. I hope the next season comes soon. But fortunately, I am immortal. I can wait.

I looked through the window, it is dark outside. Another day has passed by, and inside my nice apartment, I stayed. No sunlight touched my skin. No fresh air entered my lungs, nor any new smells. The experiences the day reserved for me were gone, unexperienced.

But it is okay. There is always tomorrow.

I prepare another poorly thought of meal. It is not healthy, but I am young so it will be fine. I think about cleaning, but there is so much to clean. I say: no, it's fine. I will clean tomorrow. There is, after all, so much time. I brush my teeth and to bed, I go.

I daydream, eyes shut, wide smile. The possibilities of tomorrow are endless. What to do? Learn a new language? Visit a new country? Study a new field? Meet new people? Play a different sport? Experience something exciting? There are so many things, my mind goes numb. I am happy and can’t decide. I choose to wait, to relax. Tomorrow is a new day and the possibilities are endless. Tomorrow I will decide.

Or maybe something will come up. Something that will keep me inside, and the outside will be just another window in my apartment. It is okay though. There is always tomorrow.

That is what I tell myself. What I always told myself. It's getting tiring, but it's not easy to change. Something inside me wants to keep things as they are. Something inside me does not ever think about tomorrow. I wish I could kill that something.

And so I fall asleep, once again, without any purpose-driven ambition.