I wake to the bright sun in my face it’s rays and warmth tickle my skin. I know today is my 10th birthday and my mother will be coming in to tickle me awake. Even though I detest her this body loves her, anytime she says something that annoys me I can only speak it in my mind this body won’t allow me to openly disrespect her. I shut my eyes preparing for Sinita (mother) to tickle me awake
“Good morning my little man it’s time for you to wake up and embrace the sun. today is your 10th birthday and I may have made chocolate chip pancakes with chocolate sauce on top.” (This blasted woman thinks she can bribe me out of bed I absolutely refuse I will not talk or deal with this non sense) “ good morning mommy did you say chocolate pancakes those are my favorite I love you mommy” (I truly hate myself like I couldn’t have just died) she begins to tickle me the rush of uncomfortably laughing behind “you know you have to go to school today but before that let’s get you ready” once I’m finished brushing me teeth and getting dressed, huge stack of pancakes all smelling like delicious and sweet milk chocolate chips.
My mouth waters with just the glance as I look at the stack of pancakes I get closer towards them and I feel the child fighting me “your the best mother ever” I look and see a tiny box next to the pancakes all it’s says is Palo my curious little fingers start to crawl all over this gift and mom just looks with a sad anticipation in her eyes, looking proud and defeated at the same time “mom is everything alright you look sad” I see her attempt to quickly compose herself “Palo unfortunately this will be our last breakfast together, the emperor has declared war on the Australian federation and well you will be trained with other young boys like yourself to defend the empire and it’s people.” I stare stunned war with the Australian federation that’s insane we had peace for 40 years why would we be at war now. I open the box and I see a light gold Ring with 2 engravings the one on the outer ring says Aztec liberation army and the one on the inner ring says true heroes never die.
I see my mothers face tear up “That was your fathers Ring it was his last gift to me before he was taken by emperor Alo. That man fought for our true freedom he fed the people, cried for us, and ultimately died for us at the hands of the butcher Alo” I was shocked and surprised that man Matte Megelo was so loved by this woman and the people, the mounting guilt felt suggesting “Palo why do you cry it’s your birthday you should be happy I’m sorry I brought up sadness on your birthday.” I touch my face and felt a well off tears dripping down my face, I felt Sinita’s go around me and hug me tightly. Why am I feeling this way that man was a traitor she deserves to be burnt right? My judgement couldn’t be that bad and before I knew it the child part of my mind took over “mom what was dad like?” Now Sinita was crying “he was strong, smart, empathetic, a teacher, my husband and best friend. Every time I look at you I’m reminded of him. Sometimes it feels like you’re a grown man in a child body” she laughs “ sorry I must control myself better I have to go prepare Palo eat your breakfast you have school in 30 minutes.”
Those pancakes were delicious they were so soft and chewy and the chocolate was rich but not too rich it filled my child’s brain with absolute joy, within 10 minutes I devoured 5 big pancakes. Once finished my child self subside and I was able to think rationally again, my thoughts drifted towards what school would be like today.
Mom and I walked towards the train station and it was lightly raining today, the clouds were dark and the wind was so strong it made the trees sway. All around I could hear the sound of people talking and bustling through out the streets, Anyone who could afford it has a umbrella. The multiple colors and shades of the umbrellas made the streets look like a sea of color. We get to the train station where I see a conductor shouting “stream train 22v will arrive in 3 minutes i repeat stream train 22v will arrive in 3 minutes thank you”. My mom pulled my hand “Palo come this way I don’t want to miss this train after I drop you off I’m heading to work” she rolls her eyes as she says the word work. After a while the train comes, I can feel the vibrations on the platform before I see it. The horn trumpet loudly in the distance with the stream bellowing out of the top like a volcano ready to burst. It screeches to a halt and the conductor shouts “all aboard”.
About the Creator
Valley of Dusk
As the last beams of nightfall cast long shadows through the drapes of her little bungalow settled in a valley encompassed by the lofty piles of Himachal Pradesh, projecting a delicate gleam across her tear-streaked face, Muskaan remained by the window, lost in a self-contradicting dream. Outside, the world was slowing down for the evening, yet inside the bounds of her heart, she chose not to move on.
By Sanpreet Singh5 days ago in Fiction
Comments (1)
I must say I did enjoy that :) I particularly chuckled at "(I truly hate myself like I couldn’t have just died)" XD I'd say the dialogue needs a little bit more life to it. Taking the description of the father by the mother as an example, it feels like she has a one line descriptive answer, as though she is labeling out the pros of a product from the store. Finally I'd say that punctuation could be used a bit more. What can help is to read back what you have written to yourself and add the correct punctuation to go with the flow of your speech. Having said that, there is definitely an improvement in regards to the description of feelings and surroundings of the characters, really helps to be there with them and immerse into their surroundings. And in terms of the world building, I like the contrast between the Aztec culture and the modern aspects such as the "stream train" and a conductor. Overall, good job, I really enjoyed reading this one ;)