As A Shadow Thickens

It’s difficult for us to remember a time before things were controlled. Sacha says all the books are lies and there never was such a time; bots were always and will always be the steady rhythm of life. I don’t mind either way. I’m glad I have spent my twenty-five years here fully. Then, for my next twenty-five, maybe I’ll just enjoy things. Sacha says our passwords are really just a compliance measure for our continued admittance in the world; he says a lot of weird things.

I haven’t met anyone who remembers their first time alive, let alone their previous life, so really, to try and say I’ll live my next life different, is just a fantasy. Sacha says he’s working on a way to remember what he’s learned here for his next life. He’s so funny.

I’ve been laying in the grass for a few hours by the time I notice another animal come by. It’s just the cutest little bunny. It comes between us to eat some grass. Laying so still for so long, clearly it didn’t see me as a threat. As for you, well, you’re you; you’re a bot. In this field, you look like a bird, so it’s not gonna care.

I hear your chirp and it makes me smile, always a pretty sound. The bunny finishes its business and hops off.

The shadows playing over my body feel like angels’ wings caressing me, preparing to sweep me away. The sun, eclipsed by the tree above me, sparkles amongst the leaves. I imagine the chloroplasts being excited by the sun’s rays. You chirp again.

Even though I know it’s my last day here, I know it’s only my last day as Emmen. I wonder what my name will be next time. Will I be a girl again? I wonder how many times I’ve lived. You tell us we’ve not been other animals before, but it does cross my mind if maybe I’ll be a bunny next. I know it couldn’t be, how would you make that happen? Smiling to myself, thinking about being a smart bunny, you chirp again.

I understand. Of course, I understand. But, that doesn’t mean I’m not… confused. I don’t know everything that way you do, and I know human emotion isn’t a curable thing because it’s not a disease or illness to be cured, it’s just our state of being, but I do wish you could help me not be so scared now. I’ve never been scared, so I don’t have anything to compare this feeling to, but I think that’s what this is.

I trust you. I have to, or what else is there to do in life? You chirp. I know it’s coming closer. The end of my twenty-fifth year. But why can’t there be a twenty-sixth? What led to your perfect decision of twenty-five? Maybe I’ll learn in the next life. You chirp, but this sound I’ve never heard.

I roll my head towards you. You’ve taken the form of a blue jay. I’d swear when I first laid down here, you were a cardinal.

Please prepare to reset your password.

I hear your voice. Sacha says we only hear your voice in our last moments. I guess he was right about this one. I wonder what else he’s right about. You chirp.

I’m not feeling so afraid anymore, but I am suddenly filled with so many more questions, the thought that I’ll never know the answer to them is daunting. Then, I look back at your feathers; thank you for appearing this way. You’ve changed again. A striking yellow canary, like the sun. The sun, glinting over the horizon. I close my eyes and return to the memory from earlier, the shadows of this tree’s branches like the wings of an angel. In my mind the ethereal wings thicken.

I open my eyes to find you perched on my nose. It tickles.

Resetting your password in sixty seconds.

I stare into your eyes. With you this close, I can see you’re of course not actually a bird. But you are appearing as a raven. I can see all that was, is, and ever will be in your eyes. A liquid mechanism of life. I feel the ground beneath me squirming. I know you’ve told us not to watch a reset event before, but we have free will in the end. I may not have witnessed one myself, but Sacha has. He sounded scared when he described it to me. This doesn’t feel like anything to be afraid of.

Password reset imminent.

Thank you for my time here. If you can make it so, I’d like to be a bunny next time.