An Unlikely Advocate

Andy the ardent atheist had spent many of his earthly years fervently denying the existence of anything beyond the material world. He had even written a few books about it. Of course, they received nowhere near his nemesis Richard Dawkins’ success, which he put down largely to timing. Though in truth he was rather a crap writer. Too verbose.

So, as you can imagine, waking up on a cloud was, excuse the pun, one hell of a shock to him. He had been so adamant. So sure.

Still reeling from the truck incident, he was now faced with a more pressing matter. Being dead obviously, which seemed to him an irritating inconvenience as opposed to the immediate problem of attempting to reconcile with a life time of denial.

At first he had thought he was dreaming. Then, that perhaps someone had spiked his drink. But every time he opened his eyes. He was there. Smiling. All angelic and shit, like a celestial real estate agent.

"Welcome to the after world, Andy. Your assignment is ready." The floaty one said, scratching his beard.

"My what now? I was squished to a pulp, mate. I’m supposed to be non-existent right now. Kaput. Done. Nada, I’m telling you, you’ve got the wrong guy!”.

"Ahh but Andy, in the afterlife everybody has to have a purpose” Saint Peter chuckled. “Even you. And you, my friend are to be a lawyer."

Andy stared at the angel, unable to control his mouth, which seemed to open and close involuntarily, like a goldfish searching for food it had forgotten it had eaten. He’d finally lost it, he thought as he surveyed the vast expanse of undulating blue.

Realising that ‘Wings’ was serious, he tried to compose himself.

"Lawyer, huh, um..? You do know I was an accountant, right? I’ve never…" He trailed off, the look on floaty Pete's perfectly botoxed face told him that resistance was futile.

Saint Peter smiled , "Same, same”

Andy wanted to slap that infuriatingly kind smirk right off his goody two shoed face. Along with the damned halo.

"You'll be fine, Andy. Besides, your first case is in an hour." With that he vanished.

Andy was left alone to contemplate his new non-existence. And his new non job.

He was perched on a cloud with his head in his hands when, exactly an hour later, the sainted one returned.

He nodded briefly and Andy found himself in a courtroom that looked suspiciously like the ones he had seen on those crime dramas back on earth. Except the jury was made up of pip squeak cherubs, and the judge was some old guy with a flowing white beard that seemed to glisten like afternoon sun on a vast lake.

“All Rise”

The cherubs floated upwards in synchrony, flapping their underdeveloped wings like futile hummingbirds, only distinctly less elegant.

He glanced quickly at the case file that had appeared in his hand.

Mildred. 56. Obsessed with her garden gnome collection. Irritated the neighbours.

Andy, bewildered and completely unprepared, made his first address to the court.

"Ladies and gentlemen. Um, children ehhh, cherubs of the jury," he paused, his mind scrambling for a starting point. An ‘in’ of sorts. Despite the evidence in front of him, he still did not believe that it was happening but this was someone else’s eternity he was dealing with. For the first time in his life, he felt doubt. He wasn’t going to take that lightly.

"OK. Let’s be um reasonable. Um. Mildred here, I mean um, what harm did she really do? What I mean to say is that the neighbours may not have appreciated the gnomes, but what did they do exactly? These gnomes. Did they talk loudly? Hold raves until late into the night.” Feeling his feet, he continued,

“No. My dear jury. They did not. Simply put. They gave her joy. And, perhaps many other people. Who is to know? But her gnomes did no harm at all. In fact they brought colour to the suburbs. And surely, we cannot in our hearts say that we don’t all appreciate a splash of colour”

The cherubs whispered among themselves, bouncing and nodding with a collective energy.

Mildred stayed silent, but as her eyes locked with Andy’s, he knew that she was a kind person. If a little excessive in her choice of garden accessory.

The cherubs submitted their verdict. With a thud of the gavel, the judge ruled in favour of Mildred. She would indeed pass through the pearly gates. He wished her well as the ‘clescalator’ descended to take her to her new home. As she ascended the newly formed cloud stairs, she turned, nodding in gratitude to her celestial lawyer.

Despite his determination to believe that he was still in a dream, Andy felt his heart pang a little with pride.

The cases continued, largely becoming stranger and more absurd as the session went on.

A man who had a habit of dancing in a green mackintosh and singing loudly, and badly, in the rain. A teenager who, in his desperate wish for facial hair had taken to drawing moustaches on random billboards. Not to mention the grandmother who used to cheat at boules.

Andy defended them all with determined resolve. And the court seemed to appreciate it. He won every case!

As the day wore on, Andy's initial disbelief and frustration had subsided. He found himself gaining a sense of purpose, he began to actually enjoy learning more about his clients and their idiosyncrasies. This realisation made him feel more connected to them and in turn he began to accept their flaws as just small parts of who they had been on earth. He defended each case with a newfound passion and empathy.

"Court Adjourned"

Andy was exhausted when the day finally reached an end and the courtroom was empty. He sat alone. Or so he thought until Peter appeared like mist settling beside him.

"You did well, Andy. Better than most of the atheists” he said wryly.

Andy looked up, finally grasping the concept in full "This is real, isn't it? I'm not dreaming."

Saint Peter nodded "As real as it gets in the afterlife, my friend”

"But I don’t understand, why a lawyer? I mean, I…”

Peter smiled "Empathy, understanding. humanity. All that passed you by as you sought to deny the truths of others.”

Andy pondered this for a moment. straightening his celestial robe,

"So, what's next?"

"Well this was a different kind of bar to the ones you used to frequent, Andy. But you passed. You found your humanity. Welcome to your new life.” He gestured to the clesculator

Andy smiled reluctantly as he walked up the clouds towards the iridescent gates, ready for whatever came next (Almost).

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From a prompt provided by: Chloe Gilholy

In the afterlife you become a lawyer and you have to defend people and say why they should go to heaven.

In Vocies in the Minor. You can find us here on Facebook