Altignarus

The candidate had a haircut courtesy of Escher and a laugh that caused teeth to rot and lights to dim. His speech began with a proem which consisted primarily of crude ad hominems, lies and orgiastic exercises in self-congratulation. He conflated the leaders of four foreign nations, misquoted scripture, two works by the poet laureate, the constitution and the lyrics of the national anthem, then spent sixteen minutes euphemistically exaggerating the dimensions of his own genitalia.

He followed this with a narration that catalogued all of his sparkling achievements, most of which were entirely imaginary or quite readily attributable to other parties. In his proof, he complained bitterly that in spite of his unimpeachable moral rectitude, vast wealth and fame, he had been treated with contempt and suffered countless injustices at the hands of his political rivals, the press, four of his six former wives and two of his children. His epilogue was a crude imitation of his most prominent opponent that culminated in a loud breaking of wind, which elicited riotous applause and laughter from the ecstatic crowd.

Many who attended the rally proclaimed that the speech was the most honest, eloquent, brilliant oratorical performance they had ever heard. Several insisted that the candidate must be the redeemer anxiously awaited by the adherents of several religious traditions. One elderly woman quietly complained about the candidate's altignarus performance. She was slain and devoured by the frenzied multitude. Polls suggest that the candidate's gargantuan victory in the impending election is inevitable.