Why Chickpeas Are Now Being Blatantly Stockpiled

Sometimes a mischievous thought kidnaps your mind and takes it on a wild thrill-seeking joy ride with each passing minute making your mouth water. Hussein's mouth neared flood stage before he called in reinforcement troops for a mission.

"Tomasina, Cheeks, Froggit! C'mere! Gotta talk to ya."

One by one, colorful personalities hit Hussein before they even reached the living room.

"This had better be important Hussein. You know Felicia calls around this time," said Cheeks walking in on all fours through the living room archway, cell phone balanced on a bright red snout.

“Cheeks, you’re delusional, but I still luv ya buddy,” replied Hussein as the baboon let the phone slide off his mandible to the dining table. His eyes fixed so deep-set into his head that it was hard to tell his reaction to anything, much less his best friend’s comment.

“Hussein my boy, you’re a loser loner with a heart of ice,” he said. “Fragrant Felicia raises the blackbirds to sing in the morning.”

“Which kinda tells you where you fall on the totem pole mate,” said Froggit hopping pell-mell behind an ambling Tomasina. “Cuz she ain’t calling you at first light innit? Take a hint.”

Cheeks’s dark chocolate fur visibly bristled, but Tomasina chided Froggit, “Meanness doesn’t suit you Frog. Why say such a thing? How is Felicia doing, Cheeksy?” Tomasina inquired. As a sunbeam struck her shell the entire room seemed to flash green for an instant.

“Growing more beautiful by the day and—”

“—Okay, guys! Time crunch. I need you for an important mission,” said Hussein.

“I have a doctor’s appointment at 2 pm Sein-nee. And y’know I leave early to be on time.”

“I gotcha ‘Sina. This one’s a necessity quickie,” said Hussein. “A surprise for Dani. Know a shoo-in vegan dessert that she’ll love. We’ll complete it in record time, believe me. So easy I could do in my sleep. Just a gesture of thanks, peeps. For keeping a roof over our heads and stuff.”

“Ehh-EMM! Wasn’t Mother’s Day Sunday?” asked Cheeks.

“Yeah. And we did nothing,” Hussein replied.

“Oh. Damn.”

“Guess that means there’s nothing for it,” Froggit chimed, “We’re all in.”

Hussein ran point. A born leader with organizational skills to rival an international conglomerate, he asked to meet in the kitchen after washing up at 9:00 am sharp. Dani would be heading out running errands. He’d tagged on a few more for good measure. They’d have an hour tops.

Reviewing task assignments, Hussein affirmed sunny skies so Dani wouldn’t return pre-empting surprise efforts. He glanced outside the living room window where a light breeze played with the leaves beneath patches of blue. Never be fooled he thought. British weather could be wicked changeable.

As the outer door shut, the gang gathered ingredients under Hussein’s direction. Chickpeas, peanut butter, chocolate chips, maple syrup, baking soda, baking powder, vanilla extract, and salt. Froggit and Hussein donned aprons. Froggit’s hyperactivity and impulsive persona couldn’t be covered up with a cap, but Hussein’s antlers certainly could.

“Don’t see how the devil this is gonna make anything dessert-worthy,” quipped Froggit bopping around the kitchen everywhere at once. He soon felt the dull crunch of a foot as its owner snarled. “Sorry,” Froggit said.

Cheeks shot Hussein a glaring look.

Hussein’s head nod, imperceptible to all but Cheeks, spoke volumes in that short silence. Don’t worry, I got this.

Cheeks snuck a chocolate chip as Tomasina droned on about her arthritis to an overly eager Frog.

“Frogster, you’re with me. Let’s set up the food processor,” Hussein said reaching in the far kitchen corner. “I promise you, man, this will be the awesome that blows your mind away.” Frog pulled at the miniature processor cord while reaching for the biscuit tin and straining to catch Tomasina’s eye.

So it begins, thought Hussein.“Yo Cheeks! Can you drain and rinse the chickpeas? Two cans thanks. All water gone. ‘Sina, start limbering up. I need your A-game.”

Everything progressed smoothly with a short ingredient listing. When Cheeks brought the finished chickpeas over, he slipped another chocolate chip into his mouth.

"Watch that ear tag Cheeks! Sheesh! Nearly took my eye out!" Hussein said stepping back hooves protecting face.

"Earring Bro. EAR-RING!"

Hussein elaborated for all to hear.

“We’re increasing the proportions by half. The instructions call for a can of chickpeas so we’re gonna increase that to a can and a half. Everybody got that?”

“Why?” Frog asked bouncing in place.

“So it will yield more. It’s a cinch recipe, but we want enough for Dani to eat and you all to taste as well.”

“What exactly are we making, Sein-nee?” Tomasina said edging forward.

“Ahh! What we are making is the crème de la crème of vegan desserts. Chickpea Blondies.”

“What the bloomin’ hell kinda dessert is that?” laughed Froggit. “Sounds like a reject rock band.”

“If they’re the crème de whatever, why ain’t I heard about ‘em?” Cheeks said after slipping another chocolate chip into his mouth.

“You don’t hang out in my vegetarian circles mon ami. You’ll eat anything that isn’t nailed down. And you need to stop with the chocolate chips already Cheeks cuz we don’t have a lot!” Hussein said. “Hey Froggici, preheat the oven to 175˚C. ‘Sina, grease the baking pan.”

“Sein-nee, you know that will be a while with my arthritis.”

“I know, I know. That’s why I want to start you on it now.”

“I’ll help you, Tomasina,” said the Frog leaping to action.

“No Frogeroni. I need your help here. Bring the peanut butter and a knife.”

¾ cup of peanut butter was needed to increase the recipe. Not a lot. But Frog managed to get it everywhere as he jabbered on about his cousin living in Sydney, the latest edition of mountain dirt bike magazine, and the lowered price of cruise tickets due to the impact of coronavirus on the travel sector. As Hussein added ½ cup of maple syrup, 3 tsp of vanilla extract, and 1/4 tsp of baking powder, his eyes glazed over but a long brown arm invaded his periphery. He bolted upright and stormed over the counter.

“Cheeks, you so much as touch another one of them chocolate chips it’s gonna be you and me!”

“Whmph huckliph phips?”

“Cheeks you’re not fooling anybody. It’s ‘Sina’s birthday party all over again with you wolfing down all the cupcakes. Stop eating them! NOW! If not, this will be a complete waste.”

“He’s spot on ‘bout that one mate. Nearly ruined the dessert trolley, you did.” piped Froggit interrupting his own eons-long soliloquy.

“I thought you’d let that go Hussein. Forgive and forgotten. Cut me real deep there. You know why I’m an obsessive eater. Childhood traumas and stuff. No need to shout.” The light seeping from his deep-set eyes a bicycle puncture threatening to deflate the entire gameplan.

He slipped a hidden chocolate chip back into the bag.

“Sorry, Cheeksy. I didn’t mean it—really, I didn’t. Just frazzled is all.” Hussein’s head held buzzing sounds as his tender onyx eyes met his friend’s mournful gaze. “Bring the baking soda and salt and help a Brotha out.”

Cheeks managed a half-smile. “You need some help for real. Dude, saw you leave out 1/8 tsp of baking powder Mr. Increase-by-half.”

Hussein held up a hoof for a high five but his friend chuckled and left him hanging. The lapse of levity lightened the air. He felt the pressure of finishing on time, counting the 28 mins since Dani left. And the Blondies would need to cool. And Tomasina had her GP appointment. And Froggit made him want to claw his brain cells out.

“George Carlin,” muttered Cheeks.

Reindeer clarity reinvigorated.

“Don’t sweat the petty things,” said Hussein.

“ And don’t pet the sweaty things,” added Cheeks. They both laughed.

Froggit’s webbed appendage was a fraction of an inch away from the mixture when both Hussein and Cheeks looked up simultaneously and shouted,

“FROGGIT NOOO!!!”

Just in the nick of time.

“Between Frogster’s ADHD and Frogster’s ADHD, I’m losing it man.”

“Got you some baking soda and salt with a bag of chocolate chips left. Homestretch?” Cheeks encouraged as he moved back towards the food processor.

“This certainly doesn’t look like much of anything,” Froggit said.

Best friends measured out 3/8 tsp of baking soda with ¾ tsp of salt and the green blur managed to keep still long enough to dump it in the bowl.

After connecting the power unit, Hussein asked Cheeks to push the turbo button. In 30 secs or so, the mixture resembled rough velvet caramel. The aroma raised an eyebrow or two.

“Can’t believe that’s the same ingredients we just put in looking absolutely nought,” said Froggit.

Hussein measured out ½ cup of chocolate chips. Taking two small spoons, he dipped out taster portions and handed one each to Cheeks and Frog, grinning as their eyes rolled back in their respective heads.

“You finished greasing that 8x8 inch Tomasina? We’re nearly ready for it.” Hussein called out.

“Not quite,” Tomasina’s voice rang out audibly frail and breathless.

Frog’s eyes brimmed with salty liquids.

“Oh go on, ol’ loverbird,” Hussein whispered. “Take her the chocolate chips to stir in. Cheekso-sabi, you start the surprise banner and I’ll finish coating the baking pan. Froggo, be ready in 90 secs.”

As Hussein removed the finished product from the oven after 25 mins, even Frog was at a loss for words. Cheeks felt the aromatic intoxicating warmth and stuck his butt out over the heat in a moment of jubilant indiscretion.

“Oh Cheeks, for crying out loud!”

Even Tomasina and Froggit looked repulsed.

A golden-brown cake-like masterpiece found a place to cool near the window as the banner with fresh bluebell stem lay on the dining table.

To her credit, Tomasina never seemed to tire of Froggit who took every available opportunity to be near chatting away. Perhaps being a tortoise balanced it all out. Needless to say, he found a way to make it weird, missing steps 1–4 and going straight to marriage proposal.

Tomasina actually said she’d think about it. Hussein and Cheeks both remarked that they hadn’t seen the Frogster that chilled since his parents came to visit six years ago.

As the door swung open, shouts of “SURPRISE!” met a “Oh gosh! You guys!!! You’re the sweetest.”

Leaning back in the rocking chair after his fourth piece, Cheeks exuded reflection. Hussein sat on the barstool; eyes half-closed.

“Those…were life-affirming.”

“Told ya,” said Hussein.

Dani offered Tomasina a ride to the GP’s office and Froggit offered to tag along. “A frog and a tortoise,” he reasoned, “Makes a perfect match. We’re both green,” mused the amphibian. They’d been gone for five minutes when the relaxing quiet was broken.

“Could eat those every day, Buddy.”

“That’s doable Dude,” Hussein replied, “but we gon’ need a lot of chickpeas, and them cans…are heavy.”

Sirens faint and familiar could be heard in the distance, wailing to some distant emergency. Creaks from the radiator grew, merging as the room temperature climbed to combat the oncoming chill.

“What you thinking ‘bout Cheek-man?”

“I’m working out where I could stockpile chickpeas and chocolate chips. What’s happening in that head of yours over there?”

“Me…hmmm…I’m thinking…you ain’t mentioned Frumpy Felicia calling not once since.”

A minuscule pause as the first raindrops began falling.

Then two old friends fell forward and rolled on the carpet snortling while Cheeks gasped words between bursts, “If she can’t do me chickpea blondies, what good is she?!”