Wake Up and Smell the Coffee

I can’t stand coffee culture, I really dislike it, which seems odd to most people who know me.

I am a coffee shop owner, or café, as it was known in the good old days.

I also live in Brighton, where apparently, we consume more coffee per head than anywhere else in the U.K. Unfortunately, we probably have more coffee shops than people it seems.

Costa, Starbucks, Cafe Nero, obviously, but then come the “Artisan” shops, ( I won’t bother naming them), also selling Artisan bread, which looks like bread with bird seed on it to me. Anything labelled Artisan just costs three times more.

Latte, Cappuccino, Mocha, Espresso, Americano, Flat White, Long Black, Doppio...Blah Blah Blah.

It’s hard enough as a café owner dealing with the ever expanding list of new names, and variations, but then come the high maintainance customers.

“Hi, I’ll have semi skinny, decaf, double shot, extra fair trade, vegan, oat milk , not soya, ethical, made with holy water Cafe Breve please”

I’m a firm believer in asking for what you want, but come on, drink water, or maybe just stay in. It’s a cup of coffee, it doesn’t have to be so complicated.

There is a snobbery that has risen along with the culture, you can literally have a cup of “crap coffee” for over $100 a go.

It is retrieved from the shit of the Civet cat, which has eaten and digested it. A friend of mine commented, how it was a bit like a night with a Hooker, as he said it sucks, and leaves a bad taste in the mouth, and an empty wallet.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the custom, I really do, but if I’m honest, how much can one earn from selling one hot beverage, to a Fresh Faced Post Millennial, who has recently moved up from fizzy pop to the Aribica bean?.

Let’s be straight, with their tablet, or laptop, spread out over an area large enough for four people, they can stay for hours, milking (oat obviously)the free WiFi, as they attempt to become the next gigantic micro influencer, on Instagram. The only cost is on muggins here, as they bleed my electricity, charging their numerous electronic devices. My small Seafront café now converted, to a rent free makeshift office, with all amenities, all for the price of a solitary medium Cappuccino.

Like my coffee, I’m not bitter though. Unless, the hot water brigade enter, demanding a cup of boiling H20, in which they can place their own maple bacon pancake tea into (it is a real flavour).

“Oh Yes, but it’s all about community” I hear you say, no it’s not. Most people are frantically tapping away on their iPhones, as their long suffering partner does the same next to them. I hear zero conversations, other than snippets of a one sided Hands Free Power talk as a Gen-Z er discusses drop shipping with his mother. There is also the music lover, wearing oversized Bluetooth headphones, oblivious to my repeated question of “would you like another?”, after spotting the dregs remaining at the bottom of the cup.

I love to watch the reruns of Friends, and cast my mind back to those halycon days, where murmurs of chit chat and laughter were abundant, but having an oversized sofa in a café, is a danger these days, and I am pretty sure may be against the Health and Safety regulations, that violate our constitutional rights.

I’m curious as to whether the rumoured new Friends project, will try and depict the current coffee culture, Ross and Rachel breaking up by text, An ageing Joey swiping right on Tinder, Chandler and Monica taking pictures of Frappuccinos and Gluten free cakes, and posting them on Facebook.

Maybe it’s not coffee culture, I have a distaste for. More likely the change in coffee culture, which I witness becoming less about community and social interaction, and more about self, and digital distraction.

I have to move with it, and keep smiling, as I receive another death stare, for asking if they would like sugar, and although that may be the case, please don’t expect me to like it.

You Kenco and .... yourself.