Vegan/GF No Bake Cookies That Will Totally Punch You In The Face

Gloves Are Off

I don’t often eat dessert, but when I do, I want it to punch me right in the face. As hard as it can.

Controversial opinion: I’ve always thought that vegan and gluten free baking is often better than traditional baking. Gluten free doughs taste rich and flavorful in a way that wheat doughs don’t. Vegan chocolate is dense and decadent. Simply put, normal desserts very often don’t punch me in the face.

You know the feeling I’m talking about, right? When you take that perfect bite of ganache, and your brain suddenly clears of all thought and stress, you lose your ego, the neurochemicals are going haywire just trying to keep you conscious. You come to after maybe three or four seconds, possible on the ground.

Maybe I’m just weird.

“No Bake”

Quickly, let’s tackle the whole concept of a “no bake” cookie. And no, I’m not referring to the damp ball of cookie dough you scoop out of the bowl with your finger while no one’s looking and devour. That’s not a cookie, sorry. That’s a pre-cookie. Pre-cookies don’t punch you in the face so much as squeeze you in the belly, like the wrestler The Iron Sheik used to do to his enemies. We want something to really KO us, not send us to the bathroom indefinitely.

What we’re calling a “no bake cookie” is a cookie you aren’t supposed to bake.

My First "No Bake"

I first had a “no bake cookie” in Flagstaff, Arizona, at the locally famous cafe Macy’s. If you’ve ever been to Flagstaff, on your way to the Grand Canyon, say, you probably stopped in at Macy’s at some point. Just south of the train tracks, this cute lil coffee shop sits by the curb all innocently, not looking like it purveys desserts that'll grab you by the lapel and slap you a few times and wake you up from stupor of quotidian mundanity. Or something.

By the front counter, next to the cashier, is the pastry case. They usually have cold pizza, muffins, cake slices, gluten free donuts, and, probably about half the time, the famous chocolate peanut butter oatmeal cookies that I’m going to try to mimic here with my own spin on the recipe.

They’re spread out in little amorphous blobs on wax paper: mounds of oaty chocolate. Macy’s sells them for about $1 apiece. I usually buy two, scarf one down on the curb outside and take the other home.

What Do They Taste Like?

You sink your teeth into one and the first thing you notice is the texture. Firm chocolate spangled with chewy oats. Your teeth leave track marks. Oat pieces tumble down onto the sidewalk. Next, you notice the taste: the perfect balance of peanut butter and chocolate. The oats don’t really impart a huge flavor, but they provide a mild, pleasant foundation on which the other flavors sit. After a few seconds, the sugar hits your brain. You stumble backward into some European tourist’s arms. “Are you okay?” they ask. “Yeah,” you say. “I just got punched by this no bake cookie. It’s cool.”

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Ingredients:

1. 2 cups sugar
2. ½ cup oat milk (or sub with preferred high fat-content milk alternative)
3. 1 stick unsalted vegan butter (or sub with ½ cup of coconut oil)
4. ¼ cup unsweetened cocoa powder
5. 3 cups quick oats
6. 1 cup smooth peanut butter. (The smoother you can find, the easier it’ll be to mix.)
7. 1 tbsp vanilla
8. Pinch of salt

Instructions

Optional: Toast the Oats

Preheat the over to 350 degrees. Bake for 10 minutes. Give the oats a mix, ensuring that any oats that have been on top are now on the bottom. Continue baking for about 5 more minutes, or until at desired crunchiness. NOTE: make sure you don’t burn them! Stay close to the oven and check often.

Toasted oats will impart a nice crunchiness, but technically might violate the "no bake"ness of the cookie.

Step 1

Mix vanilla and salt into peanut butter. Set aside.

Step 2

Melt the butter (or coconut oil) in the microwave. Mix with the sugar, cocoa, and oat milk. Boil for about one minute on the stove.

Step 3

Add the oats to the milk/sugar mixture. Stir it up. Then add peanut butter. Evenly mix.

Step 4

Spoon in desired sizes on cookie sheet. Let sit for at least 30 minutes at room temp. Even better: put in the fridge for a few hours.

Once they've settled and hold together, enjoy!

Epilogue: Why Vegan?

Always remember: you don’t have to be vegan to eat vegan food! Vegetables taste really good. They have fat and salt and protein, just like meat. They can be savory and satisfying, just like meat.

There are any number of reasons to cook vegan. Maybe you don’t like the idea of subsidizing factory farming. Or maybe your doctor told you to go easy on red meat. Or maybe you’re cooking for a bunch of people who all have differing dietary needs.

Whatever the reason, vegan food can be healthy, delicious, and good for the environment.

A lot of people get funny about vegan baking. Anyone saddled with unfortunate machismo might have a hard time accepting recipes that don’t involve animal fat or flesh.

So next time you’re cooking vegan for your burly, steak-loving, UFC-watching relative, ask them first: “Hey Greg, have you ever been punched in the face by a dessert?” Now that you’ve got their attention, wait until they’re finished their first no bake cookie to tell them, “By the way, it’s 100% vegan and gluten free.”

One-two punch!