The Worst Chocolate Ever

Is Durian as bad as people say it is? Let me put it like this; if there is a Hell, Satan and his demon horde are shoving pallets of warm Durian down the throats of the damned as we speak.

There. I've summed it up for you.

I have saved you from three days of smelly burps, a long night of indigestion and a week of trying in vain to get the worst aftertaste imaginable out of your mouth. There is no need for you to try this godawful fruit.

You're welcome.

The fruit is a popular culinary item in southeast Asia and notorious everywhere else.

First encounters of the Worst Kind

Before moving to Australia I had never been in striking distance of Durian. I only knew it existed after watching an episode of Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern. For those unfamiliar with the program, it's a travel show whose host travels the world eating... well, bizarre foods.

As a regular viewer I had seen Zimmern scoff down many borderline horrendous delicacies. He does so with an admirable amount of care, ensuring that any negative reaction, if any, is muted so as not to offend his host.

The only time I have ever seen him literally wholesale spit something out in front of the person handing him food is when he had his first taste of Durian.

Not Worth Acquiring a Taste

I’m sure if you grew up eating Durian you probably don’t mind the taste. Perhaps you can even stomach the smell and ignore the texture. I am sympathetic to that. Everyone has those sorts of foods in their culture, including mine.

I think cracked conch is delicious. I haven’t had it for 6 years and I miss it every time I think about it. But if the idea of eating a deep-fried marine snail puts you off, I honestly wouldn’t take offence.

Grits, which is like mother’s milk back home, isn’t for everyone, especially if having a grainy, slightly slimy texture in your mouth doesn’t sound appealing.

What I don’t get is people who are introduced to Durian for the first time and don’t mind it.

Durian tastes the way embalmed dead people smell. I know that sounds like hyperbole but it's not. If you think you can push past the taste you better be able to do so for a couple of days because it repeats on you.

Let's not get started on the smell. Its odor is so horrendous that it has been banned from some hotel rooms in Malaysia. Several airlines had to divert flights and make emergency landings because of the smell getting into the vents.

Air Asia has even refused to allow it as part of check-in baggage.

There airlines terms and conditions of carriage reads:

"Please note that durian, jackfruit and any other pungent-smelling fruits which are universally banned in the aircraft cabin are not allowed in either checked or cabin baggage."

Many people have had a crack at describing the texture and I think “foamy custard” is the most apt.

So are we clear?

I think it's awful.

Durian Chocolate

I used to joke that I could eat anything if it was dipped in chocolate or wrapped in bacon. I don't make that joke anymore.

I have eaten a lot of things dipped in chocolate, even bacon. I remember a more innocent time when eating chocolate covered grasshoppers was evidence of my "try anything once" creed. Only second to that was eating chocolate infused with Vegemite, which was an atrocity in and of itself, but trust me when I say nothing ruins the deliciousness of chocolate like Durian.

The taste of the chocolate does nothing to mute the horrible taste of Durian.

Major confectioners like Cadbury and Dove make chocolate bars primarily for the southeast Asian market.

The Verdict

At this point I don’t think anyone will be surprised that I believe that Durian is the worst thing to happen to chocolate since… well, ever. The taste of chocolate doesn’t even last long enough to dull to rotten onion taste of the fruit.

I would like to give one caveat though. From what I understand from people who are, if not Durian connoisseurs, then have a better appreciation of it than I do, there are degrees to its pungency depending on the maturity of the fruit at the time of eating.

So if you find a confectioner that uses a less noxious version of the fruit to make its candy you may be in for… well, you won't be in for a treat; perhaps just a smaller shock to the system.