The Cottage Cheese Deception

Is there a better time waster out there than watching Facebook videos? I mean, I don’t know about all of you, but nothing sucks me in more than a never-ending series of short videos auto-playing one after another until I blink and realize that I’ve been watching 5-Minute Craft clips for three and a half hours and it is well past my bedtime. It’s a trap I so easily fall into that sometimes I become completely numb to the randomness I’m consuming. But today? Today is different.

See, normally when I slip down the rabbit hole that is watching Facebook videos it’s not really on purpose. I am just clicking around and a video starts to play and then bam! I’m done for. But now that I work at home I’ve found myself wanting to try new recipes, especially for breakfast, so this particular video caught my eye and for once I actually actively hit play and unmute. I know, right? Crazy. Anyway, this video promised to teach me new and exciting ways to have "dessert for breakfast." And hey, I like both of those things so I figured it couldn’t hurt to check it out, right? I assumed (reasonably, in my opinion) that I would learn some new super sugary pancake recipes or something, and I was pretty excited because I do love me a good sugary pancake. But, friends, that is not what I found.

I will give you that the oatmeal "breakfast cookies” could pass for a dessert breakfast, and actually looked pretty good. It probably would have been nice to have that recipe back when I wasn’t working at home and inevitably valued five extra minutes of sleep over starting my day off with a well balanced meal in the morning. I’d go so far as to say they are actually a pretty great idea for a person with a sweet tooth on the go. And the carrot-cake inspired health bread stuff could probably pass as a dessert breakfast too, if you squint. It kind of toed the line in my opinion, but I could see someone considering it almost a dessert. After all, I’ve met people who suggested I eat some bell peppers when I said I was craving something sweet. So. Crazier things have been considered dessert, is all I’m saying.

But then. Oh, my friends, but then. Then the creators of this video suggested that I dress up two scoops of cottage cheese with various fruits and nuts, top it with whipped cream and a cherry, and call it a breakfast banana split. And I am LEGITIMATELY ANGRY about it. HOW DARE these people sully the good name of a classic and beloved ice cream treat this way? I know it’s not unusual to have cottage cheese for breakfast, okay? I know that some people really like it and that it’s actually pretty good for you. It’s not for me, but hey, I try not to judge. That is, until you try to sell it to me as a BANANA SPLIT. The dish itself probably isn’t even that bad for someone who enjoys cottage cheese, but it is no way shape or form even remotely close to a banana split and therefore I submit that this video is built upon a PLATE OF LIES and a willful, nay, DANGEROUS disregard for taste buds everywhere.

You all may think I'm overreacting. You may think my anger is irrational and unnecessary. But all I can say is that I for one do not want to raise my possible future children in a world where people think it is okay to market a cottage cheese bastardization of a banana split as anything other than a miserably failed experiment that should be immediately thrown away and apologized for. And yes, it should be noted that I am exaggerating for the sake of comedy. If this unholy scourge of a breakfast idea appeals to you by all means, enjoy your vomit-inspired meal with my blessing.

Oh, and also, in case you were wondering: No, I do not like cottage cheese.