Stuff your umami hole.

Pink neon buffalo. Every time I drive by, I’m reminded of the daddy buffalo sending his baby buffalo off to school and waving,

“Bison!”

So, pink neon bison, I guess. That’s what you’re looking for; it’s an important thing to remember - if you want the good stuff. Should you manage to get off of I-5 and wind your way through Grit City, follow the signs to Ruston via Pearl Street and you’ll inevitably see a pink neon bison proudly stampeding over the rooflines of North Tacoma on the east side of the street.

There’s another thing to remember; the most important thing you can do is not come to Tacoma. Seriously, take your daytrip from Seattle or Bellevue and go to Bellingham instead. It’s not cute or ironic that you want to come to Tacoma for the day - you’re not welcome here. It’s fine if you’re from Portland (and not a Tesla-driving douche) and you’re looking for some honest grub and an overnight stay, but cultural tourists from Seattle can fuck right off.

When you arrive at Tatanka’s parking lot, you’d be forgiven if you think you’re in the wrong state. The outside looks like countless greasy spoons in Wyoming or Montana. The Tatanka vibe is strong – and SO out of place. You may initially be dissuaded by the uncomfortable feelings of cultural appropriation and SW Americana. You may try to rationalize some vague Yellowstone nostalgia with a passing undergraduate interest in Native American heritage. But fuck that shit – this is Tacoma. If you don’t get the joke, you are the joke.

Should the pandemic subside, or you remember to wear a goddamn mask, you’re in for a treat with the counter menu. Tatanka offers elbow-drippingly good bison burgers and bison burritos that will fill up all of your umami holes. But if you’re like me, you’re looking for something special – something you can eat in the safety of your home – some secret inside knowledge:

the frozen lasagna to-go.

Lay your money down. Wait for the counter person to confirm if there’s any left, then linger by the front door outside as the owner walks around to the side of the building where he’ll disappear into walk-in freezer to emerge and hand you a five-pound aluminum tin of bison crack – a loaded five-pound bison lasagna.

You’ll need an oven and two hours – but your laziness and hunger will be rewarded with a home-cooked meal the likes of which the fanciest Italian eateries could only hope to compete with.

Tatanka has two sizes of frozen lasagnas – the banana bread tray size (the small) and the full brownie tray size (the large). Don’t bother with the small – it’s pitifully shallow and unpredictable in its serving size. You want the mother lode large. Enough lasagna for leftovers, which, in case you don’t speak Italian, lasagna is the Italian word for leftovers. So, get the large.

The lasagna that emerges from under the tin-foil lid is nothing short of miraculous. Never watery, great sauce-to-meat-to-cheese – and it’s healthy because, bison.

Whenever I have out of town guests on pasta night, I swing by Tatanka’s for a large tin. It costs about the same as making it myself, and it is as good as if it was made by my nonna. So good, in fact, that friends have asked me to buy some on their behalf so that they can bring it to other people’s houses for dinner. I guess I’ve become a lasagna distributor/bison crack dealer.

So, if you have to come to Tacoma, don’t. But if you do, eat Tatanka. Look for the pink neon bison.