Stop Calling It "Cheese Pizza"

I think I had just about enough of this for one lifetime.

First of all, I’m not the biggest fan of dairy as opposed to every person I’ve ever met. I’m not 100% against it but I can safely say it’s approximately 99.97%. For the most part, the thought of it alone makes my blood curdle and gives me stinky foot vibes. Gross.

Second of all, I love to cook. One of my favorite hobbies is watching cooking videos online and trying new recipes. The problem here? Most of the videos I watch go and ruin the recipe by adding some kind of dairy to it. Milk, butter, cream, and especially cheese… Barf city.

But I digress.

I’m here to settle the issue with the name calling... This way, all my Italian ancestors can stop haunting innocent people. Let's go ahead and cover the facts:

In case you weren’t aware, pizza is made primarily of three base ingredients. The dough, the sauce, and, cheese. Those are requirements, not options. That means if you take away any one of those ingredients, it no longer qualifies as a pizza.

If you take away the sauce, it’s cheesy bread.

If you take away the cheese, it’s saucy bread.

If you take away the bread… Is everything okay at home? No, seriously.

Think of any other three-ingredient dish or snack. If you take away one ingredient, would it still be called by its original name? No, it wouldn’t.

Now, let's say we keep using base requirements as identifiers. Okay, why not just call it a “tomato sauce pizza”? Oh right, for the same reason you don't hear anyone order a “bacon BLT” or a “cheese quesadilla” or "avocado guacamole".

That’s what you sound like when you say “cheese pizza.” It makes no sense and it’s about time someone says something.

Common Objections

“So what do I call it?”

Plain. You want a PLAIN pizza. Plain, as in no additional toppings, and all three prerequisites: dough, sauce, and cheese. No one orders a “cheese pizza with pepperoni”, right? Exactly, because that’s a red flag.

If you hear anyone asking for such things, run as far as you possibly can.

“Cheese CAN be a topping”

True. But can you be more clear? What KIND of cheese do you want on it? Mozzarella? Romano? Pecorino? Vegan? Saying you want a “cheese pizza” is the equivalent of going to a dealership and asking for a “car”. Mamma mia, be specific.

“Cheese is great.”

My face is great. Cheese isn’t.

“Cheese goes well with everything.”

Patently false. I had the misfortune of watching someone put cheese inside of a S'more last night. I’m not going to tell you who it was because I don’t want to glorify such atrocities.

It’s one thing if you want to stick to the classics. Pasta? Fine. Tacos? Fine. But when you start putting cheese where it doesn’t belong for no reason, now we have a problem.

“You can’t say you hate cheese if you eat pizza.”

Listen, no one is perfect. Pizza is. I just hacked the system.

Whenever I order a pizza, I always ask for light cheese and extra sauce so I don’t have to keep the taste of dirty feet on my tongue.

Plus, I make sure to load it with toppings. I guess you can say I’m able to tolerate it in very small quantities.

...

Okay, I think I’ve made my point. Feel free to disagree, I'm not going to argue anymore. I lose exactly one hair follicle whenever I see people smothering cheese on anything they can. I’m now fully bald.

It’s not really a bad thing because it suits me well, but still, stop calling it 'cheese pizza'. Please and thank you.

Disclaimer: This is all written in good fun… Don’t go actually calling the police or shaming people for trivial reasons. I’m just being dramatic. Arrivederci.