Put it in your mouth and tell me you love me

I'm going off piste with this one. This isn't a story, it's a recipe. I love dicking about with recipes.

First of all, please relax - there's only a couple of very brief paragraphs before I tell you the gosh darn hecking ingredients.

Fair warning, this is not your grandma's fucking cookbook. Probably. Who knows, maybe your grandma curses like a sailor in her kitchen. Maybe she waggles her eyebrows when she's talking about EXTRA THICK CREAM. Maybe I'd like to meet your grandma. She sounds like a cool lady.

Okay here goes - this is a mega simple no bake cheesecake recipe, which is easy to tweak for any flavours you like.

For the base -

75g butter, melted

About 115g biscuits, crushed

For the filling:

500g mascarpone

130g icing sugar

115 extra thick double cream

135g white choc, melted (plus a bit extra to decorate)

An entire fucking punnet of strawberries

A bit of vanilla (extract, you heathen, not essence, aka beaver bum glands)

If you sincerely don't know the basic components of a cheesecake, I'll spoon feed you this one time:

First, crush the bastard life out of the biscuits, mix with the butter really well, and press firmly into a springform whatsiemadoodle. Quarter your strawberries and arrange them around the edges in pairs - pointy bit pointing up, and inner bit of the strawberry facing outward.

Chuck that lot in the fridge.

For the filling:

Mix the mascarpone really well with the icing sugar

And then add:

A shlob of vanilla (that's a precise culinary term)

Your EXTRA THICK DOUBLE CREAM (stop sniggering)

Chop up a few of the strawberries and wang those in.

Melt the choccy and fold it in - gotta do this bit last and work quickly at this stage, because you don't want it to start to set while you're fannying around.

Hoik your biscuity/strawberryey creation out of its cold purgatory (your fridge) and perform sloppage.

Unless you have fucked up your measurements SPECTACULARLY, you should have enough delicious slop to cover the base and fill so that the tips of the strawberries are just covered. You can decorate the top with more strawberries and chocolate. If you want. I'm not the pissing pudding police. I drizzled melted chocolate over the strawberries and finished off with some shavings.

Now put it in your mouth and tell me you love me.

Substitutions and what not:

If you don't have any extra thick cream, poor you. Use normal double cream and whip it instead. I add a tiny touch of lemon juice and some icing sugar to speed up the process. Don't overwhip.

Biscuits - if you are reading this from the US, read "cookies" or "graham crackers. Oreos make an absolutely banging base, in my opinion. Pretty much any biscuits work well, but I like to experiment with different ones. I often do half chocolate ones and half plain, and I like to try different combos. Crinkle crunch work well. For this one I used mostly knock off plain hobnobs with a few bourbons chucked in.

Vanilla - this is optional, but I do think it lifts it quite a lot. I was not kidding about the anal glands of beavers, look it up, seriously.

Mascarpone - if you don't have any, you can just use philadelphia or off brand cream cheese.

Springform cake tin - if you don't have one, any pie receptacle will probably be fine. I like PLENTY of filling in my cheesecake (hur hur hur) so you'll want to make sure that base isn't too thick so that you have room for the filling. Should be able to do this by pressing it up the sides on the dish as well. You'll also need to lose the strawberry segments around the edges, which is a shame because that does look a bit fancy.

I froze this briefly, and it didn't suffer for it. It might have made the strawberries a bit sweeter, even. I defrosted it in the fridge well in advance.

Overall, this one isn't a keeper - with so much fresh cream and too much fresh fruit, it's better just to eat it. In your underpants. With your bare hands. Like an animal.

If you try it - TELL ME! I'd love to hear how it turned out!