I broke my knee and sampled LaCroix flavors to cope

So, I tried Dry January this year for the very first time since I began drinking alcohol. Although it wasn't initially my intention to try "sobriety lite" this month, sometimes life throws you curveballs. And by curveballs, of course, I mean you drink enough champagne on New Year's Eve that you fracture your knee.

So, to take a step back and avoid swinging around on crutches while drunk, I cut out all alcohol for the month of January. But the funny thing about cutting booze is that you sometimes realize how much of a habit it has become. It was strange to relax in the evening, and not settle in with a glass of wine or crack open a can of beer. I needed something else to enjoy in the evening...

Enter LaCroix.

I know I'm late to the game, but I had never had LaCroix before. All I knew about it came from Twitter jokes:

However, my friend had left a few in the fridge, and desperate to drink anything that wasn't tap water, I tried it. The result was... underwhelming, but satisfying? It successfully subdued my fizzy late-night drink cravings, so I leaned hard into it. I found a variety pack of LaCroix on Amazon and decided it would be fun to try out every flavor.

So, without further ado, let me tell you what I thought about all those flavors. These are in no particular order, other than the order my partner pulled them from the fridge for me.

Day 1: Hibiscus

This drink tastes like that Starbucks Hibiscus Drink, except you already drank it all and were still thirsty. So, instead of getting yourself actual water, you sat on your lazy ass to wait for the remaining ice of your drink to melt and drank that instead.

Rating: 9/10 - I love the melted remains of my Starbucks drinks

Day 2: Berry

The Berry LaCroix tastes like you were craving berry-flavored Capri Sun, but you instead made the conscious choice to deprive yourself of the small joys in life as you reached adulthood. So you traded juice pouches and nostalgia for aluminum cans and 0 calories.

Rating: 6.9/10 - At least you are suffering adulthood in style

Day 3: Key Lime

This flavor tastes like you cut a damn near see-through slice of key lime pie, threw it into a blender with distilled water, then carbonated the slushy remains. As a fan of both key lime pie and hydration, I was sorely disappointed in this drink.

Rating: 3/10 - Tastes like dystopian dessert

Day 4: Apricot

More like ass-pricot. This drink tastes like those kids' gummy vitamins after they left home and got depressed.

Rating: 2/10 - I have nothing more to say

Day 5: Limoncello

Ha un buon sapore amici miei! (According to google translate, this means " Tastes good my friends!" in Italian. Don't tell me if I'm wrong, just let me retain some small faith in the powers of the internet.)

Rating: 7.5/10 - but this one's flavor actually reminded me of cream soda

Day 6: Peach-Pear

I didn't know that Peach-Pear was a flavor combination that anyone has done before today. Some sips tasted like peach, some sips tasted like pear. But with all sips, I was confused. Drinking this beverage felt like shaking a magic eight ball that told you to "Try again later," every time.

Rating: 4/10 - If this was a few centuries ago, you could be burned as a witch for this beverage.

Day 7: Coconut

I'll be honest with you, I was nervous about this one from the start. I've been dreading the day this one made it into the rotation. I love coconut, and I love drinking coconut water. But something about this fizzy, watered-down pina colada made me nervous...

...And even still, I was not truly prepared for the taste and smell of this one. It tasted like the essence of grandma's fake coconut candy and reeked of college dorm pina colada mix. In fact, this was the only drink I ended up dumping down the drain.

Rating: 1/10 - trust your gut

Day 8: Tangerine

Many Lil' Cuties died for this LaCroix. Tonight, we pour one out for all the Lil' homies and their sacrifice. And yes, I'm aware that Lil' Cuties are clementines, not tangerines, but life is too short to articulate the differences between orange-colored citrus varietals.

Rating: 7/10 - At least the Lil' Cuties died with honor

Day 9: Lemon

This was the flavor that started it all (the original flavor left in my fridge). She's crisp. She's classic, she's a tall glass of sparkling water with a lemon slice you sip while enjoying a breezy afternoon on the French Riviera.

Rating: 10/10 - Simple is elegant.

Day 10: Pamplemousse

I had to google what the fuck Pamplemousse was before writing this review. Turns out it's French for grapefruit. I guess LaCroix is too fancy to use English names for fruit.

For the record.... these bitches are made in Wisconsin, not France.

But honestly, it's refreshing as hell, so I'll give them the pass for their pretentiousness.

Rating: 9/10 - I'm going to start calling unnecessarily fancy things "Wisconsin bougie."

Day 11: Mango

Mangoes are supposedly symbols of love and friendship in India. Gift your pals a mango LaCroix if you want to say "Hey, you're not half-bad."

Rating: 8/10 - Not half bad

Day 12: Orange

This drink tastes like the fizzy vitamin C powders that you drink when you are sick, except I think I like that shit better. I mean, this doesn't even have vitamins, it doesn't help me combat illness. This is some snake oil placebo counterfeit of Airborne and Emergen-C.

Rating: 4/10 - Big Pharma is going to sue over this and I will have to testify in court.

Day 13: Razz-Cranberry

LaCroix tried to give me the ol' Razzle Dazzle but actually gave me the ol' free lollipop from the doctor's office.

Rating: 5/10 - Did not come with a character bandaid or sticker.

Day 14: Passionfruit

More like, "Have you tried bringing in a third person?" fruit. This drink is nice, there's really nothing wrong with this drink. It's just that, you don't feel as close to this drink as you used to when you both were younger...

6/10 - LaCroix, maybe you should try communicating your needs, or spicing things up a little?

Day 15: Lime (Last one!)

Sometimes, when I'm out of lemon juice, I'll put lime juice in my recipes instead. This drink tastes like doing that. I wanted more lemon LaCroix, but all I had left was lime.

Rating: 7/10 - tastes exactly as advertised

Bonus joke: Why are lemons better than limes?

...There's no such thing as lemon's disease.

In the end...

I made it through dry January, and I really do credit these LaCroix drinks for helping me do it. Trying out each flavor gave me a little something interesting in my day while on bed rest for my knee. In fact, I ended up looking forward to the ritual of trying and reviewing each flavor. If nothing else, it gave me something to laugh at (and don't we all need something to laugh at these days?). And while my knee is still broken, it's good to know my sense of humor is still intact.

Editor's Note - The "Pure" LaCroix flavor was initially part of the variety pack, but the writer's mother, who has a penchant for sparkling water, took it from the fridge during her visit. The writer understood in that moment that it was safer to disappoint her readers than her mother.