Cake is disgusting

Do I really need to explain myself here? Cake is ungodly, unearthly and unhealthy. It makes you feel gross and bloated. And the taste? Is that really worth all the guilt afterwards? NO. The answer is no. Cake is horrible and I had to eat it EVERY. SINGLE. BIRTHDAY until I was 13. And every time everyone would sing the song I would start to gag. I even do now, because all I can think about is the future that my body will have to endure, with that revolting mass of sickly sweet flour. So let’s please stop serving it at every event because let's face it, everyones only eating it because they've been brainwashed to think it's good. The poor souls have just never appreciated how fun it is to NOT eat it. Every single second of every day my taste buds are smiling knowing that cake is NOT being forced upon them at that moment. And that, I believe, is the meaning of our existence. To not have to eat something that’s a social norm. “It’s good, just eat it!” No. I will not “just eat it” because I’m sacrificing not only the next hour of having to feel it in my mouth, but also my poor body having to absorb it for energy. I’m so sorry body, but you’re not going to get much from it. So no, I’m not going to “just eat it.” Guess what hun? You DON’T OWN ME. I’m not going to eat your disgusting homemade lemon cake. Even though I know you made it from your divorce tears. Yeah! I said it. GROW UP. Make something not boring, eh? Like earthworm soup (don’t actually make that). You could make something that doesn’t look gross maybe. Just a thought. But please people, stop bringing cake everywhere. You might as well just have dropped a raw gizzard on my plate and expect me to thank you for it. I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME. It was NOT GOOD, NOT ENJOYABLE, AND OVERALL A DULL EXPERIENCE. Why is it just the norm to have it at every special event? Wow society, thanks for ruining my wedding because everyone expects me to have cake there! NO. I’m not going to feed my guests GARBAGE. If I wanted to do that, I’d just reincarnate as a raccoon. And every. Single. Restaurant on this PLANET has some sort of cake concoction on the front of some menu they FORCE your eyes to see. I did NOT consent to gaze upon that HORRIFIC creation! GET IT OUT OF MY FACE. No, I don’t have room for dessert this evening. In fact, I don’t have room for ANYTHING NOW, because I’ve lost my appetite. Thank you, good night. And my poor grandma. I don’t know what horrific cult made her do it, but she’s OBSESSED with cake recipes. And what am I supposed to say? “No you old hag I’d rather eat my own liver.” Because that’s the honest answer! But I can’t even tell her that because she’s my own grandma! So, yeah. Cake is tearing apart my relationships. I’ve had ENOUGH. ENOUGH I SAY. Tell me, if you’ve been stranded on an island for two weeks and someone offers you two plates, one with cake and one with chicken, which one will you choose? If you say cake I’m sorry but there’s no hope for you. You need to start your path of forgiveness to your poor body. Enough with the cake. The suffering. The groaning of stomachs because they hate us. Stop cake consumption today.