You’ll Make Your Lady Go Wild With Desire

Let’s face it: Men are simple creatures. We usually think with our dicks and our stomachs. The fact that those two body parts are closer together than either of them and our brains says a lot.

Women get the short of the stick. I’m of the opinion that if women banded together and sought to take over the world, it could happen. Sadly, they do not seem to thirst for power nearly as badly as most men do.

What can an insecure, macho, somewhat-less-intelligent gender such as the male gender do to gain favor with the women we love (or lust after)? I have a few ideas that will drive women crazy and up their levels of desire for us.

I figured this out after 11 years with my dream girl. I’ve taken the time to observe, formulate, and test these theories out and I can tell you with certainty, that these things work. You are guaranteed to make your spouse/significant other burn with desire if you follow these simple guidelines.

Let’s get right to it, time’s a-wastin'. You want her hot and bothered for you. She wants to be treated like she’s the only woman in your world. Time to show her how much she means to you. Cue the Barry White music and let’s demonstrate our love for her.

Clear the Table or Counter Top

Fellas, we’ve seen this maneuver in movies and on TV shows. The man can’t take it anymore. He has to create a flat, clean surface to lay his woman down before making sweet, passionate love to her. It’s quite the show-stopper.

Wake up. The only thing this does, in reality, is make a giant goddamn mess. One that likely SHE has to clean up after two-and-a-half minutes of subpar lovemaking. Did you even check to see if she got off, too? Doubtful.

Clear the table or countertop, already. Assuming that she was the one making dinner, as it so happens in more families than not, the least you could do is clear the table and counters. And don’t just put things away. Go a bit further.

Wipe down the kitchen table, counters, stove, and sink. Scrub and rinse all of the dishes before loading them into the dishwasher. The entirety of this process can be done in 10 to 15 minutes. Those are minutes well-invested if you choose to impress your lady by thinking of her needs versus your own for a change.

A Romantic Bubble Bath

Here we have another scene from the big screen. The bathtub is hot and full of bubbles. Candles have been lit around the tub and bathroom. The mood is set and she’s ready to enjoy a little relaxation with a bit of passion.

Get the fuck out of the tub, you hairy ape. This bath is for HER. Most bathtubs are not built for two. Unless you have one of those giant soaker tubs that resemble a mini-hot tub, leave this one for her.

Be an exceptional husband or boyfriend and leave her treats. Wine, cheesecake, her favorite vibrator, a pre-rolled joint, or a couple of lines of chopped-up Xanax laid out near the bathtub demonstrates your desire for her. And it shows your commitment to bettering her mental health.

And keep it QUIET. If you have small children, baby-gate them in the room furthest from the bathroom. Don’t bother her for an hour or 90 minutes. Handle those kids and the family issues she deals with for far many more hours a day than you do. This is her time. Don’t ruin it with your presence.

Engage in Fascinating, Riveting Silence

There’s a line from my favorite movie, Pulp Fiction that mentions being able to comfortably enjoy silence. John Travolta’s character Vincent Vega is required to take his quite-dangerous boss's wife Mia out on the town one evening. They have a memorable evening together for more reasons than one. At one point, she says this:

Mia Wallace: “Don’t you hate that?”

Vincent: “What?”

Mia: “Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it’s necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?”

Vincent: “I don’t know. That’s a good question.”

Mia: That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

After a long day, it’s nice to catch up and discuss details about your time apart. But read the room, Fellas. If she’s tired, give her the short version. If she’s had a hell of a day, LISTEN more than talk. And once you’re both chilling together, comfortably enjoy silence together.

I talk a LOT sometimes. My brain runs about 100 MPH most of the time. This is why I write as often as I do. I have a LOT going on in this big head of mine. Sometimes, I realize how much I’m talking to my Bride during the evenings when we hang out.

I make a conscious effort not to joke throughout every little show we watch together. When we’re watching the NBA games we enjoy so much, I have to really focus on not running constant commentary along with the two announcers. I know during the evenings that she’s tired, she appreciates that.

Buy Her Little Thoughtful Gifts

People like to be appreciated. I’m not suggesting buying someone’s love, but little gifts and gestures go a long way in the romance department. Anyone who says flowers are a waste of money because they just end up dying is in for a big surprise when they find out how much divorce costs.

Appreciate the woman you are with. She likely puts up with a lot of shit. Between the messes you make, the kids being feral children, and having to navigate the workplace in the middle of this all, she could use a little reminder of how much you love her.

While most can’t afford diamonds and pearls all of the time, what we can do as spouses/SOs is to let her know we care. Flowers are wonderful, even picked out in nature. A hand-written note is something most ladies will cherish. Taking her to dinner and a night on the town once in a while is also a great move. Remind her that she’s your #1.

Be Her Molly Maid

There’s no bigger turn-on for most women than seeing a man with scrubbing gloves and an apron on. Watching your man clean house with focus and energy will get the blood flowing and the romantic vibes starting.

I don’t just mean taking the garbage out and dusting off a few things. Do the stuff that nobody wants to deal with, like the bathroom work. Scrubbing toilets and bathtubs, and sweeping and mopping the kitchen floors. The jobs that she usually ends up getting stuck with because you never want to do them.

When the person you’re with knows you care enough to do your fair share of the housework, they feel loved. And that they’re not stuck with the household chores that old-school gender roles have told us belong to women. That’s bullshit. Do your part, Fellas.

Following these simple things I’ve outlined will increase your desirability to your mate. It’s also the right thing to do. Nobody should be expected to do certain things because of their gender. Likewise, men shouldn’t expect a free pass from being a great husband or boyfriend because they’re men.

If you want to make her go wild with desire, remember what I’ve said. I’ve gotta run and do some dishes. Then I’ll see you in two and a half to three minutes, after that. &:^)