Why Won’t Anyone Listen?

Since I was 20, I have (The realization of this didn’t come until recently surprisingly) devoted my entire life to my family. I was married I took care of our home and the children . This wasn’t my first marriage, but it turned out to be my biggest mistake in life.

I’m sitting outside of the movie theater right now waiting for my soon to be ex-husband and my youngest daughter . I had reserved seats and snacks and everything and had it all lined up for her and I , but decided to invite said husband after reflecting on the conversation my daughter and I shared about how her “daddy didn’t used to always be the way that he is now” and that “I wish you could remember”, while defending him and his behavior towards me in hopes that she doesn’t get her definition of love from what she has experienced through him and I.

She has wanted her daddy to go somewhere with her other than to the store for a couple years now he has become extremely depressed, sociopathic & narcissistic. I believe it is due to a past drug addiction that left some wounds he has refused to go to a doctor or anybody to talk to about in order to heal properly . And instead has taken out this horrible reflection of himself upon me. A few years ago I got good ….And lucky I guess, playing the stock market . But he grew jealous I think, even though I had given my best effort‘s to make him a part of everything as far as learning . I was just learning too after all. But, he failed to realize or remember that.

I for the first time after being a stay at home mom for the past 17 years had become successful when I went back to work and continue to surprise myself and make him eat his words daily. But it’s still not enough because I have had to pick up financial pieces in abundance and after the exhaustion of all of my 12 brokerage accounts that he needed to use in order to pay off debts . I am constantly working on something in order to both accommodate and to fill the void that has been left with the absence of the family that I FRIGGIN RAISED! (Bitter?, you bet!)

I started my own business and it turned into more than one. I decided to go back to school full-time . And am currently feeling miserable failing miserably by the way because of my chaotic schedule and this giant boulder standing in front of me telling me I’m worthless the whole way up the hill. And to top it all off technologies advancements happening overnight it seems has caused me to be swallowed by the metaverse and fighting in order to be allowed back in school. Apparently there is no record of some assignments being turned in or participation even and all financial assistance was yanked along with academic dismissal. And because of everything I just want to give up. Because what’s the point? I have fought harder than anybody I know just to try to take care of myself and my daughter. I wasn’t trying for anything more than that. I didn’t think that anything like this could ever be possible. Because if you do the right thing only good things and the right ones can come from it right? Wrong! I did everything right and still am in the most horrifying situation with no sign of the right thing surfacing any time soon. And I am struggling to convince myself that I am the right thing. Especially because of everything You’ve been reading still existing.

I hadn’t been anywhere outside of my house with my husband in years. We couldn’t tolerate one another and it was not because we fought. It was because I am the only one that knows his truth and he is the only one that knows I know. And that if I open my mouth big enough , I know how to make it go away . His pride makes him cruel and he has used my story of deception and theft that he inflicted on me in, as a twisted version that I have in some way done to him! In order to obtain financial benefits from family and friends. He has made me out to be a drug addict or a person with a shopping addiction. Anything except for a woman taking care of herself and her kids and her home and trying to do it as savvy as possible. That is how I got into my business.

I decided to save money by making my own cleaning products and it turned into soap and Wala! DevineSelfAwareness llc was born. Where a normal husband would take pride in his wife’s accomplishments in such a short period of time and see the opportunity that she had laid in front of everybody, the kids future, him not having to kill himself daily going to a job that he hates. We could have had the most amazing life not just off of me and my financial situations because they’re not good at the moment , lol,!but they could be great if I had support. That is my problem what am I supposed to do ? (comments are welcome.)

I have everything in the world to gain . I am really amazing at what I do or anything I put my mind to. And I am not boasting about that . I’m a lazy over achiever. In fact, that’s actually why I never did much . I hold my expectations too high for myself and will kill myself literally to exceed whatever personal goal I’ve set. I have set everything up but I am one person so everything is sitting and it is ironic because if he or anyone only knew the possibilities with just a little help and I mean in terms of the kids , the house & a little encouragement . I could be great. And I would be the opposite of what he has told me I am for years…..worthless.

I believe this is why he still won’t let me the fly. I think that he gets a twisted sick pleasure out of being in control and I think when I gained financial control over myself he fell out of control which made him both defensive and mean. I can’t tell you how hard it was to live with your bully because he refused to leave. He still has managed to take all of my financial freedom away like I’m just some piece of trash he picked up. Not like the wife and mother to his children for the past 15 years! And up until recently I didn’t have anything and I had to be extremely clever in order to gain some footing, again, I was invested and thank God for that. As much as he has done and as much as I hate him and I do hate him , I have even offered to buy or build a home where there is an area that can be turned into a guesthouse just so we can stay financially stable on one land and be there both for our daughter. Because he is fighting me about having custody of her. And the only reason that I will not allow it right now is because he can’t take care of himself . He’s disgusting and I see how it is when him and my daughter are alone she cannot live like that so it is correct for her to stay with me even just on those terms. And the other one, is that I don’t trust that he will let me see her. I know he will but I also know he will hold her against me anytime he gets a chance because he has in the past , he does now and he’s that type of person . Again its a way for him to have control. I have an ex that I deal with keep in mind and he will vouch I have never been a “ baby mama”! I believe that the child no matter what should be with the parent equal amounts of time if it is able to be accommodated that way. I don’t believe in child support I believe in supplying the things necessary to take care of the child when they are in your care . I think that is fair . My husband thinks that I am going to take him for everything that he has and thinks that just the child support is the main issue. This man has taken our bill money out of bill pay from my account saying I wasn’t paying the bills just so he could have more money to spend. Keep in mind he makes very good money and I have paid every single bill at a six month interval because he has let them go so long for the past two years. I don’t know what he does with his money. I have no clue and yes I am as wife , but it hasn’t been like that for the past four years. It’s like we are strangers . He doesn’t even know who I am. He thinks that what I do exists only in my mind and proceeds to tell the family this as well . I find our family ignorant and always have. It’s exhausting for me to go around them and dumb myself down. I’m not a genius or anything.Just not on their level of humor or conversation. I’m always defending myself whether it’s because I’m stuck up because I eat my pork chop with a fork . Or because I am white. I always am defending that I’m a “white girl”and to me that’s not fun. Once I gained a little bit of confidence in myself , I realized I didn’t have to put up with that and I refrain from going over out of my way to be a part of it. But by doing so it has caused my husband to have a clear shot at destroying my character which of course he took . So now the family is convinced that I am either on drugs or I am sleeping with the town or I am not doing anything that is related to being a mother or a wife . Conveniently he’s leaving out the part that he has bullied me and he belittled me so badly and I was locked in the basement pretty much for a year to avoid it. And didn’t see my daughter only until I started renting hotel rooms because sitting in the same room with him was like getting kicked in the stomach. I think it would’ve been better and easier to handle if he had been.

My 16 year-old daughter recently went and moved with her father because of the situation. She has always hated me and has no reason to other then she’s at that age and I’m her mom. Her and my husband got along and her attitude and the way that she is towards me is definitely him. She treats me horribly! painfully horrible. She puts me down, she doesn’t trust anything that comes out of my mouth ,she said she thinks I’m crazy. Well, everybody thinks that I’m crazy. I think a lot. And rather than educate or care to get to know me enough in order to be able to understand me , it’s easier to call me crazy. Or it’s easier to think that I am a horrible person .

The biggest thing that I find most disturbing and for the life of me, I can’t understand is.. Why has nobody come to me and asked me anything ? ! Anything at all ! They have not confirmed with me anything they have just taken his word. I don’t understand this.

When I decided to do this post, I was sitting there waiting for them to come out of the movies and again found myself faced with exactly what type of person I am and why I know everything Has to work out. Because I was just told within 24 hours prior to that moment, that I’m “stupid”and “worthless” and called a “dumb bitch” & everything else that you could imagine , and I still came down the stairs and offered my tickets and my date with my daughter to my ex-husband in order to make her happy and give her the dream date that she wanted with her daddy all along . She lit up and he just kind of smirked and then went right back to being heartless and cruel . He just glared at me like I have just killed his best friend rather than that I have just given him a chance for Stella to spend time with hers.

He has never said words that expressed any type of gratitude to me not just that time. But never for all the times before and still all the time since.

I hope one day he stops and realizes that for every moment of anger or sadness that we’ve had there was the opportunity for happiness to have appeared instead. And we would never be in the situation we are in today if he had just allowed himself to let go of whatever it was that he did wrong. And would forgive himself. The way I have chosen to forgive him for the sake of our child. Like I said in the beginning, I lived and did everything for my family. They were my life! It has been the worst two years of my life realizing how quickly everybody seemed to just quit on me because I started to have a voice, know myself and gain independence outside of the home . I no longer felt anxious when I would leave the house . I felt anxious when I would return home. Nobody in the world looks at me , treats me or talks to me the way that was talked to me in my home. The people in my home didn’t know me as anything but a pushover mom/wife I guess .

They still haven’t even asked me how schools going . Or express any concern or ask questions for any updates pertaining to me being allowed resubmission. And that is my biggest issue in my life currently! You would think someone would have expressed interest. But no. Not at all.

And it’s those moments of clarity that can bring a person, big or small, straight to their knees and begging God or whoever is listening to “just please make it stop!”

There isn’t a pain in the world like the one that I feel daily. I’ve experienced no relief from it. I would never ever wish this upon anybody. And I mean nobody should ever have to feel this way . This is when faith is next to impossible to find let alone hold onto long enough to make anything positive come from a situation like this. It’s despair.

I guess I started behaving erratically for a while in the summer. Freaking out basically. Wilding out you know ?( as the kids would say) I didn’t and don’t want to be without my family. I still have not choked this Reality down . I am choking on it right now fighting back tears . My husband is mean and he’s cruel and I don’t even want to know him in life .

It’s not him as a person I miss, at all. It’s the essence of family. And he stole it all ! All of the negative energy ,all of the negative words all of just the horrible things that are the opposite of love and what a home should be filled with. I have been singing around my home for years. My youngest and I were the two positive energies in our home. I would often joke with my husband about this before and how we couldn’t fight him and my other daughter because they were negative and their energy was just balancing out into a stagnant-like form .

A few years ago I discovered a minor heart problem. And that was when we fully stopped talking completely. He started becoming just down right cruel. I have been told my heart problem doesn’t exist. My family doesn’t know or they think it’s what he’s told them “in my head”. So whenever I did have the opportunity to discuss the issue it was never taken seriously and I was completely disregarded. That is such a degrading and horrible feeling. It makes you feel guilty for having something, anything good or bad, happen to you and wanting to tell someone. It makes you feel guilty for everything you feel or think. It makes you feel guilty for existing and being a burden on everyone. I don’t have a voice .

Luckily, last spring my school career counselor heard me and he has shown adequate concern for my sense of well-being and worried for my daughter and my safety. I had never realized it had been a safety issue because there had been no physical violence. I also hadn’t realize how strong minded he had made me with the abuse that had endured . Causing me to be completely and alarmingly desensitized to mental abuse and able to justify cruel treatments of any kind. I believe this type of treatment should not be allowed! There’s no excuse or reason to treat another person in such a sadistic and emotional manipulative manor. Accidentally messing with somebody’s heart is one thing. But deliberately controlling and causing a person to swallow their own brain is another. He should get locked up because he is obviously insane to have to pulled off or attempted to pull off such an elaborate stunt against his own wife for over two years now.

Unless of course he actually is crazy and just needs help. And this would be why I don’t think that I would be able to press any legal charges against him if that were ever a faced obstacle. Regardless of what his definition of marriage means to him. My perception has always been that “in sickness and in health”. “I got your back regardless.” “Never let you fall” type of commitment. My word.

And even though we no longer reside together. He is the father of my child. I can remember the things and the reasons why I wanted to have a child with him in the first place. He wasn’t always this. And I wish someone would tell him something that would click in order for him to go and get the help needs. So he would receive the proper treatment. And so my daughter could get to know the man I remember. The one that I fell in love with. Showing her a more true definition of love as a result, maybe because of it. Maybe then I could check “re-teach Stella “love” off the “to-do” and the “to-re-do” list.

In a perfect world I could begin to build a relationship with my children and give them a chance to get to know me and not who they have been told I am. And from someone who ,I truly believe the entire time has wanted me dead by way of my own hand . I know that sounds dramatic but it’s a real thing that happens a lot. Covert Narcissism/Covert Narcissistic Abuse mainly here in particular. Sadly mental abuse is very real and just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. In fact I think that makes it even more dangerous.

My hope now is to be able to earn the rest of my degree (assuming I ever receive it now) Just to prove I am exactly who I’ve always claimed to be. If I can remember who that even is now. So much is just lost. And that’s what makes me the most angry.

If you or someone you know is in a situation similar get them help immediately . Dont standby. At least ask them what’s going on if you’re hearing stories from their spouse and not them! I would have killed , still , for someone to ask me or help me. But I am fortunately, Unfortunately alone. I have had to rely on the kindness of strangers in order to prove who my character actually is. And continue to have to do so every day just to try to navigate this place we call Life.

Bitter sweet isn’t it?

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/