Who Do You Call at 1am?

Sleep evades me. Separation from my three year old son for a year now, for his safety and mine. In the darkness of not knowing. No video chats, pictures or really aware of what goes on in his life. All the doors shut and communication lacking while the court order says different. I was told it’s like trauma to the body to go from carrying him nine months to being with him twenty-four seven for a year to being ripped apart and out of my life. I had to make a hard decision to leave a toxic relationship with my son’s father for my safety and his.

The mannerism in how I handled that I have been persecuted for and kept from my son. The courts not hearing me out on the why’s and letting my son remain with his father and I only get visits. My son’s father and I separated December of 2018 and up until February of 2019, we tried to keep it out of the court room. Not to speak ill of someone of tarnish their name but only to speak of the truth; we landed in court because of repeat harassment, using my son as weapon against me, continuation of mental and verbal abuse amongst many other ugly things.

It became time for an Emergency Protective Order or EPO. It was now time to bring all this in front of a judge to try and regain my son because his father wasn’t allowing me to have him back. If you read in my other piece “Stronger than I Knew” then you’d understand further of what led us to here. I just didn’t know at the time the judge would ask me to re-live all that I had been through to be granted the protective order. I didn’t know my son’s father could obtain representation on his behalf to fight the allegations against him. I was blind sided and sick to my stomach. I had been traumatized enough and I couldn’t give the judge what she needed to grant me the protective order. I couldn’t go down memory lane. His attorney told the judge this was nothing but a stunt to get him in trouble to help strengthen the custody case. When the judge said that I was as guilty as he was and we both were playing games and it was pretty much a joke of me asking for protection, I died inside.

My pleas for help and to get my son back went on deaf ears and I was the monster. I was trying to protect me and my son and it costed me my son and being in his life. They granted the father full temporary custody until our final custody hearing which is on hold because of the Coronavirus Pandemic. I have never did any drugs or alcohol. Nothing in my background. A loving and doting mother who knew that her son needed a healthier and loving environment to become a great man. What happens to children in their environment as they grow and how they are loved or not loved; determines the kind of person they will be in society one day. In my heart I made the right decision for his future. We have been separated for a year now. I haven’t given my son a bath since December of 2018. I don’t get to cuddle him to sleep, or do all the things we use to do. I’ve wrote about our bond and our first year together in my open letters to him that you can read here on Vocal.

While I was granted more time with him the trauma of not being his life like before and missing milestones has been torture. All I have asked for is peace. All I wanted was for us to remain as family and to get our relationship into a healthier way of life for our son. Those efforts failed. Our son seen enough and heard enough. Nothing was changing and the relationship was escalating to a more toxic and dangerous situation for me and my son. Since my son’s father and I separated I have asked to be civil to have open communication, to wish each other the best and raise our son the best we can. My son’s father admitted that he continues to make things difficult for me because he hopes I will break and come home. For my mental status to get better I had to block him on social media platforms. I remain in counseling. He doesn’t want to share pictures with me or find an app to where we can share videos and do chats. He doesn’t want to tell me much of anything of what goes on with our son. It’s always a response of, “He’s good.”

I love being my son’s mom and he is my greatest blessing. Being without him and shut out torments me. Nightmares come at night of him being taking from me and I’m trying to get him back. Nights to where I cry myself to sleep just wanting him, to hold him and let him know I love him. Nightmares of being with him and I wake up and he’s not sleeping beside me or anywhere in the house. I frantically look for him and break into tears realizing it’s my nightmare I continue to live in until the final hearing. Then those moments I question if he even exists. Who do I call and wake at one am when I’m afraid to fall asleep or crying because I miss him? Who do I call and pour my heart out to when I’m suppose to be asleep and I can’t because I miss my son and I want to be with him. That I remain in the dark about his life because of his father being difficult to continue hurting me and trying to regain control.

How much can a mother endure for the sake of her child and his well being? His happiness and future knowing it’s the right thing while she crumbles trying to be strong for him? How many stories have you read about in the news where a mother tries to leave with her child or children and it doesn’t turn out good? The way I had to leave was the best and safest way for me to get out and for him to be safe. I had no idea at the time of that decision that it would lead to all of this and my son would remain with his father and I would be one missing out on everything. A mother’s love has no limits or boundaries she won’t do for the love of her child. I will always put my son before me. I won’t stop fighting to be with him and continue to love him.

It’s okay to hurt and cry. It’s part of being human. It’s okay to miss our children but it’s not okay for us to be in a toxic relationship and for them to witness that. It is not okay that we don’t do everything possible for our children to be happy and to have the right tools to become a great individual for the future and our society. I feel so hurt by the police, the lawyers, the judges, social services and my son’s father for all the anguish I’m eduring without my son. I can’t even imagine what it is like for him to be without me because we love each other and want to be together.

Always fight for your children and trust that you know what is best. Although I hurt every single day without him, I know I have made the right decisions for him and I would again. I don’t make decisions out of haste because life changing decisions have ripple effects. Life changing decisions carry a huge impact and lasting results thereof. I do everything to try my best to be civil and to think about the impact all of this has on my son and what that would do for his future. I have often wondered how many broken homes and damaged children there would be if more parents could have thoughts similar to mine. Basically, being selfless instead of selfish. Always putting the child or children before your happiness, needs or wants.