When Love Turns to Care

WHEN LOVE TURNS TO CARE

The roll of eyes,

The hands on the hips,

The turning of the back,

And the haunch of the lips

These are clear signs fellas, while you don't have a clue

These are the warning signs from the things that you do

Your relationship is in danger when love turns to care

Because the heart and mind are now gone and only the body is there

No more attraction, passion or desire to call out your name

No more joy, laughter, or pleasure to treasure, nope it's just not the same

Your selfish, arrogant, prideful ways have tainted a soul that's now defected

When love turns to care, the vision is gone and you're no longer connected

The signs will continue until you finally see the light,

That you'll have to sacrifice yourself in order to win this fight

You'll have to switch from lion to lamb, as day turns to night

Cause when your woman displays these signs, it's clear that you're not treating her right

Now no one is perfect, your woman may even have major issues too

But again, these are the signs from the things that you do

The roll of the eyes,

The hands on the hips,

The turning of the back,

And the haunch of the lips,

These are the clear signs fellas, while you don't have a clue

These are the warning signs given before you hear "I'm through"

Your relationship is in great danger when love turns to care,

Because the heart and mind are gone and only the body is there.

I got married in 2003, this was poem was written in 2016, about something I felt since 2008, and I officially filed for my divorce in 2021. Does this mean that I didn't take my wedding vows seriously? Absolutely not! When I got married, I was already living and providing the vows in my daily life and towards my husband before the vows ever left my lips in that courtroom. Yes, we went to the courthouse to get married through a judge; there was no wedding dress, no big, expensive wedding, no guest list, no special reception, no cake, no honeymoon, and no sincere congrats from the family and friends that vowed to love and be there for us unconditionally.

From the time I entered the relationship, when I was standing there in that courtroom that day, and up until I finally decided I was mentally, emotionally and physically done with my husband, nobody could've ever convinced me that the love I felt for him could and eventually would revert to care one day. I was sold on hopes and dreams of having this amazing family, amazing life, amazing marriage, that only did amazing things in spite of any struggles that came our way. I was inspired, pumped, motivated, and convinced that I was going into this marriage for the long haul, for better or worse, till death do us part. I went into the marriage thinking for both of us. I was thinking "I love him" and "He loves me", "We're going to do right by each other, never hurt each other, never neglect each other and never make things hard for each other, because WE are a team and that's not what teams do". Yeah...that was the ignorant side of me. I eventually found out that you can't go into any type of union with expectations of what someone other than yourself will do in any given circumstance, if you do, you'll be highly disappointed more times than you can ever imagine and it's nobody else's fault but your own.

Our plans were to just get married now, since we've already had 2 kids and been living together for 5 years at that point. Then my husband promised to give me an actual wedding ceremony on either our 5 or 10 year anniversary. It's been 20 years, still no wedding, and now, it's not even wanted or needed. Time happened, life happened, and dreams were shattered like abstract glass art to put on display for the world to see. The vision I had for my life ever since I was an adolescent was dropped so fast it shattered into, jagged, sharp pieces. Some that would even cut me when I tried to pick them up. But I kept trying. I had to pick up those pieces one at a time and glue them back onto whatever canvas (foundation space) I had left in my life to make a masterpiece out of my brokenness.

"Your relationship is in great danger when love turns to care, Because the heart and mind are gone and only the body is there.", may leave you thinking things like:

• What does that even mean?
• How does this even happen?
• Does this really happen in marriages or relationships?
• Doesn't this mean that you never really loved the person anyway?
• What kind of person takes their love back from another in the first place?
• This problem is only for people who don't try to fix what's broken in their marriage or relationship; I'm good, I'm a great partner and/or provider, who wouldn't want to be with me?

If you think any of these things, let me tell you now. I'm sorry but not sorry. I'm sorry to bust your bubble, but not sorry for busting it with the needle of truth. This does happen, can happen and will happen if or when you neglect, control or dictate, mishandle, mistreat, ignore, abuse, or abandon the mental, emotional, physical, financial, sexual or social needs of your partner, kids, and/or your house. And what makes you think that you're a great partner or provider for your spouse and your house? If you want to know the truth, ask someone else who's around you frequently enough to "know you", how you operate or carry out actions when dealing with others.

I've already told you why it happens, now what does it mean? "When love to turns to care, the heart and mind are gone and only the body is there" means that you force your body to go through the daily motions of life while your heart and mind are imprisoned to the harsh reality you face every single day that you open your eyes. What harsh realities do people face before their love retreats back to care? Many, but here are the 3 main reasons: Oppression, Depression & Loneliness.

• Oppression - means for one to cause unnecessary hardships for someone else for their personal pleasure, entertainment or benefit and is the beginning stage of someone rethinking their "love" for someone else. Living with someone who oppresses you, your kids, or your house because just because they can and nobody is there to stop them is a huge RED FLAG that reads "SELFISHNESS" and indicates the relationship will end if it's not dealt with soon. Oppressors in leading positions are followed more out of fear, manipulation, and intimidation rather than love, honor or respect.

• Depression - Oppression leads to depression in mind and heart. What you think in your mind, you feel in your heart, and what you feel in your heart, your body responds to one way or the other. I don't know about everyone else, but for me, depression felt like trying to run super fast in water up to your waist against a mighty wind that stood between me and what I thought was happiness. The resistance I had to push against was so strong, I started to give up and accept oppression as my final fate for my life; and then I was mad at myself and started blaming myself for being the cause of receiving the oppression of someone else's actions, and for the depression from misconceptions that I believed to be facts instead of personal perspectives of others. (ex. "if you get a divorce, your blessings from God will stop because God is not for divorces.")
• Loneliness - Fighting to be heard, understood, and for someone else who can get through to your oppressor that what they are doing is wrong and needs to be changed for the sake of your marriage or relationship. Fighting the battle of depression and oppression feels 100 times harder than the actual battle may be if you are the only one fighting to understand, change and beat it. If you have more people fighting to give advice than you have of people fighting to LISTEN to your reality before helping you find a solution, you might as well face the music; you're fighting alone. This is how depression feels when it stems from living and fighting alone in your home against someone who has more control and dictatorship over your life than you do with nobody to stand with you to help it stop.

All the self help books, videos, counselors, and conferences about marriage and relationships cannot truly depict the immeasurable amount of pain that the mind and heart hold when feeling "trapped" in a toxic relationship. They never helped me, they hindered me from receiving the help and healing that I really needed. It's like getting a great prep talk or motivational word for your spirit to go back into your battle with a new strategy for a better marriage or relationship. But hold up, have you ever paid attention to majority of people who hold these conferences and workshops? Aren't most of them "religious" or "faith based people" whose main issue are things like "communication" or "more help with the kids"? You know, they talk about how a husband would rather watch a football game than listen to his wife and he needs to pay more attention to her, or how he needs to help out more with the kids? Or from counselors who have only married for a short time, with no kids? Or married for a long time but never experienced living with a narcistic or abusive partner on any level, but because you have a degree you can help me fix what you can't even understand first hand? What I'm saying is this...often times, the speakers and advisors that people go to for help are people who haven't experienced the level of toxicity that you face in your relationship in any of their relationships.

If you want to get help and have someone listen "who knows EXACTLY" what you're going through, do not go to a counselor or advisor who's living their best life while reciting strategies that they learned through a textbook as a way out for you. Those are textbook teachers. Find someone who learned what strategies to use through personal LIFE experiences, someone who was able to test the theory before passing it to you or someone who can genuinely RELATE to your pain.

When love turns to care, it's not because you never loved the person to begin with, it's not because you didn't try to fix what's broken, and it's certainly not because you're a heartless person either. Don't believe the lies if this is what you've been told. It's because you've been let down or hurt so many times or cut so deep that it pierced your mind, body and soul by someone who signed up for the assignment to love, honor, respect, value, protect, provide, and ride for and with you through thick and thin... but didn't. It's because you finally found your voice and put it to use along with your actions to let your spouse know "enough is enough" and "never again will I let you hurt me".

Usually, not always, but usually the kind of people who cause one to want to turn their love into care have these sort of behaviors or does these kind of things:

• Narcissistic
• Dominating/Controlling/A Dictator
• Prideful/Everything is About Them and For Them
• Argumentative/Debates Everything Big or Small (especially on things where you know more than them, they have to feel they're still smarter than you)
• Abuse of Power or Position/Leads With an Iron Fist
• Cunning/Highly Manipulative

• Gaslighting (you, your thoughts, and when you call them out about crossing boundaries, hurting you, abusing you, or neglecting you)
• Stonewalling (the abuser acts confused pretends he doesn’t understand what the victim is telling him and withholds feelings)

Love turns to care when you're devalued, underappreciated, uncared for, taken for granted, misused, mishandled, belittled, misunderstood, manipulated, not heard, put last to things and others who shouldn't come before you, and unloved back. If you feel any of these things in your relationship....RED FLAG...get help or get out. The longer you stay in a toxic relationship, the longer it will take for your mind and heart to heal...don't walk...run to your place of peace and safety. You have to know that you're worth so much more than the unnecessary pain that you're feeling from a partner's inadequacy to love you like God says you should be loved as a human being. Thanks for reading!

-Auntie Kay