Sorry But Not Sorry

Sorry But Not Sorry _Busting Bubbles of “Advisors”

Hey nieces and nephews, thanks for stopping by to chat with Auntie Kay, welcome to the family meeting! Today we're talking about "giving advice". Check it out....

Being “Sorry But Not Sorry” is a Fact of Life and this Fact of Life is dedicated to "Advisors" or people who constantly want to give their "advice" and "opinions" to others in need of answers. Everyone wants people to think that they know something about something, even if they know nothing; and they're ready to share what they've come to know with someone who "doesn't know" but needs to know to prove that they do know something. This group of people would like others to see them as a strategists, knowledgeable, intelligent and resourceful for some of life's many struggles.

Today many people subconsciously create and store what I call these imaginary bubbles of experiences in the back of their minds. They store these bubbles in their mind only to bring them up to contribute in a later conversation as “sound advice”. But is it sound advice? Could be, however, the chances of it not being sound advice are rather high, depending on the person whom you seek the advice from. For example, stop taking advice from these TV personalities that know more about what's going on in so & so's house than what's going on in their own. That is not "sound advice" it's gossip, hearsay, rumors, poor entertainment and NONYA. Stop looking at celebrity love triangles and foolishness thinking those are sound advice and strategies to use in your own lives. These are ways that people give opinionated advice, which is BAD ADVICE because it lacks WISDOM & TRUTH.

Just because you “think” you know something, doesn’t mean that you actually "do" know something that should be shared with someone who knows nothing but is looking for “something”. In other words, stop sending people off based on a misguided perception of what you never personally experienced but heard about, learned about in textbooks, or saw a family member or friend go through. STOP IT! This is DANGEROUS! Sharing misguided information as factual solutions to overcome personal struggles has the power to destroy the mind, body and soul of people seeking help for answers they don't have but desperately need to overcome storms in their lives.

So what happens when the person giving this advice is a “trusted advisor” (Parent, Spouse, Boss, Close Friend and yes even Church Members & Leaders) and they’re wrong? Misguiding just one life actually affects many lives and carries the power to minimize one from reaching their full potential and purpose in life. If you misguide a parent, you're misguiding a generation. If you misguide a community leader, you're misguiding a community. If you misguide a business owner, you're misguiding the whole company. If you misguide a church leader, you're misguiding a congregation. If you misguide a law maker, you're misguiding a nation.

Experiences: Life or Personal

The bubbles people create and collect in their minds are filled with experiences. Every experience in existence is either a Life Experience or Personal Experience. Ask yourself, is it a “life experience” or a “personal experience” that’s occupying the bubbles in your mind? Let me break it down. Did we have to be in New York on 9/11 to experience the tragedy from the terrorist attacks? No, the whole world experienced the worry, fear, confusion, shock, anger, sadness, and pain from those attacks. Many global hearts poured out to the many lives that were lost or changed forever that day. For most of the world, it was a “life experience” not a “personal experience”. We will never come to know the “personal experience” of those who worked in, lived near, or were commuting past the twin towers during the moments of the attack. For most of the world, we saw and grieved with the survivors of lost family members and survivors of the attacks. We could certainly understand they were in pain, but could never feel the depth of pain that they felt that day. We could only try to “imagine” how they felt, but does “imagining pain” measure up to the actual feeling “of pain” when it hits home? Absolutely not. It’s not possible unless you’ve been in that same EXACT situation yourself. We may “sympathize” with these survivors, however we may never “empathize” with them if we haven’t lost anyone close to us that one terrifying day. Someone who had no direct contact with or no loved ones lost have a life experience, whereas someone who was present during the attacks or lost a loved one that day, have a personal experience that nobody can ever remove from their minds and hearts.

This is the same way that people try to pass information off as “advice” when all they have to go off of is misconceptions and hearsay of other people’s realities. They take mental notes of things that they’ve either saw through someone else’s eyes, heard about through someone else’s mouth or by watching the parties involved before coming up with a hypothesis of what happened or will happen.

Once they do that they store the impartial information in a bubble and start adding bits and pieces of other similar situations to the bubble. Growing it bigger and bigger, based off of impartial third party information and unaddressed misconceptions from the lack of understanding or trying to understand. Once they feel they have enough "information" to contribute in or to hold their weight in a conversation with one seeking help, they start throwing out this information in hopes to help when sadly all they're doing is hindering the help.

Advisors, and people who are not certified advisors but love to give advice, are giving advice on the optic illusions they witnessed in other people’s lives. Everything you see may not always be what you think you see, and what you think you know is just that...a thought; which could be wrong.

QUICK NOTE: For those who don't know

* Perception: What you perceive (believe) to be the facts surrounding the why of someone else’s decisions or actions. Making a judgment call by watching the characteristic behaviors and actions of others going through personal trials and storms of life.

* Hearsay: What you hear others say during trials in their lives or the lives of others (gossip, judgements, speculation of words coming from a third party, bitterness, jealousy, confused mind or ignorance).

Misguided Advisors

Advisors are destroying lives, relationships, friendships and businesses based on “a thought” that stems more from the “If I were you” moments rather than the “I was you and this is what helped me..” moments. In most cases, people who say “If I were you…” were, never you in your situation, never walked in your shoes, or never would actually do what they're claiming that they would have done. Don’t listen to them. Nobody knows for sure what they would do in every situation, until they have no other choice BUT to go through it. If you want to get sound advice from someone who can truly empathize with and help you during your storm, find someone who has been there and is now collecting and counting coins at the end of their rainbow that came after their tragic storm, not someone still waiting for the rain to come. For example...

What kind of things people allow to float in these bubbles?

• Relationships (Family, Dating, Parenting, Friends)
• Money Matters (Budgeting, Saving, Investing)
• Business/Entrepreneurship
• Social Media Issues (Internet, TV Shows, Radio, etc.)
• Moral Issues (Right vs Wrong, Human/Civil Rights)
• Political Views
• Work Life
• Religious Viewpoints
• Justice/Equality

Out of this list, an advisor may share “life experience” advice, professionally or unprofessionally, on a minimum of 5 of these things, at least 20 times a month; yet they may only have the “personal experience” and seen the rainbow for a minimum of 2-3 of these things at least 7-8 times a year, and that's a good year.

The 3 T's of Advising People

So is it ever ok to give “life experience” as sound advice? Yes, IF the advice includes the (3) T’s:

1. Truth
2. Transparency
3. Trust

The advisor should be upfront and tell the person asking for the advice that they have never been in that situation before issuing any advice whatsoever. They should be very transparent and only share what they know to be TRUTH about a situation even if they haven’t done it before, like in these examples:

• “I never cheated on my spouse, but I do know this. Cheating on your spouse will never satisfy your soul to the degree in which you’re seeking it to; it’s not a suitable solution; if you love your spouse, the guilt will torment your heart and mind long after they forgive you, IF they even forgive you, and after you forgive yourself, just don’t do it.”
• “I thought about it but haven’t done this because I found that if you cheat on your taxes, you will eventually have to pay back more than what you cheated to keep or claim, it may cause a long-term hardship in your finances and you could face jail time.”
• “I’ve never lied to my parents before, but my brother have, without considering that fact that “they’re PARENTS”! Chances are, they WILL find out and, like my brother, the consequences may be greater than if you would’ve just told them the truth. My advice to you is... save your skin, just be honest and ask for forgiveness.”

In the examples above, all of the statements end in a truthful consequence for such actions and how to avoid it. This brings us to our last “T”....Trust. An advisor has to be able to trust their own advice. They should never give advice that they’re uncertain about. You can’t be “pretty sure” about what you’re telling someone in hopes that if they follow your advice they'll be ok. You have to “know” that what you’re telling someone is similar to the next best solution outside of prayer and will deliver an outcome that they can be comfortable with receiving.

Think About It...

Imagine if a child told you that they were getting bullied at school and abused at home. You share some encouraging, motivational words with this kid and advise them to go home, call the police if their parents become violent. Then you tell them to let you know what happened the next day at school, so you guys can come up with a plan B if that doesn't work. You go home confident in your advice and and feel great about yourself for the inspiring words you shared with the student. The next day comes, but the kid doesn't. You find out that the kid took your advice and called the police, parents fooled the law enforcement that came to their home, and then beat them badly. After the beating the kid goes in their room, commits suicide and leaves a note to an unaddressed person saying "you're advice didn't work". How would you feel knowing the advice that you just gave them the day before? Would you feel a sense of accountability for this students' death? If you answered no, you are in the wrong line of work, please for the sake of humanity, find another field to practice in, advising people is not for you.

If you want to help someone else out with advice, you have to TRUST that your advice will almost always (nothing is ever “always”) give a beneficial outcome, to the one seeking advice, if followed...to the “T”. You also need to know and accept the fact that you are, and should be held, 100% accountable for every word, thought, and action you express to or instill in someone's mind who came to you for advice.

Take Your Own Advice

Advisors, let me ask you something, would you take your own advice? If you can’t see yourself doing what you’re telling someone else to do, chances are, you shouldn’t be telling them to do it. For example, if you were in a physically, mentally, and verbally abusive relationship, how long would you stay? How many strategies would you try before you say “I’m done?” Would you stay and just “pray about it” while fearing when the next attack will happen, or would you leave, file for a divorce and ask God for forgiveness later? Would you stay and suffer through the abuse for as long as you had breath in your body? Would you go through life numb and pretend you're happy in public to keep the atmosphere happy and healthy for everyone else even though you're suffering? Would you stand by and watch your kids being traumatized by the actions of a grown person and remain silent?

I found that a lot of advisors (Biblical Advisors) would advise a woman to stay in an abusive relationship, pray about it, don’t give up on her marriage and basically walk on eggshells to not upset the abuser so she could have a peaceful home for her and her kids. They tell her to embrace (hug and kiss) her husband when he’s angry, seduce him, give him sex, he won’t stay mad. In WHAT WORLD is this GOOD ADVICE for an ABUSED WIFE AND MOTHER who just got abused in front of her kids by the man who is supposed to love, cherish, appreciate, protect and support her AND his kids?! Your advice is mental abuse! In the meantime, they go back to living what appears to be an awesome life, with an awesome spouse who takes care of their wants and needs, puts them first, takes them shopping, wining and dining while the abused wife is at home fighting, crying and dying. What about her? What about the wife who wakes up every morning fighting the spirit of oppression, depression and suicidal thoughts because she feels forced to sleep next to what appears to be the devil? What about her? You, as an advisor, only see her what...once, maybe twice a week, what about her? What if you were her? Would you take your own advice? Would you want someone to give you the same advice that you gave to her? I am going to revisit this specific subject later when I calm down because it is definitely a bubble that needs to be popped with the needle of TRUTH.

For Advisors

Church Leaders, Influencers, Life Coaches, Strategists, Advocates, Mental Health Support Workers, Mandated Reporters, Teachers, Counselors, Therapists, Psychologists, Bosses, Family, Friends and to ANYONE who wishes to give advice, professional or not....

• THINK before you advise
• STOP giving out uneducated guesses for solutions while hoping for the best
• QUIT telling others to accept and do what you can't, don't, or won't accept or do yourself
• KEEP from sharing confidential information with others outside the "need to know" circle, gossip is NEVER a suitable characteristic for an advisor
• LEARN to LISTEN more than you speak to hear the cry for help instead of hearing yourself trying to show your intelligence, knowledge, authority or power (some are advising on minimal issues while missing the major issues that cause the most damage to one's spirit. SHUT UP AND LISTEN!!!)
• UNDERSTAND that you are advising HUMAN LIVES, generations, and nations, HUMAN LIFE SHOULD BE VALUED no matter which body it's in, ill advise KILLS HUMAN LIFE, if the brain's dead, the body's dead, help HEAL LIFE by healing the brain, UNDERSTANDING the assignment and having COMPASSION for LIFE IN GENERAL, outside of your own or your family's!
• KNOW that you ARE responsible for ANY action and consequence stemming from the advice YOU give
• GIVE more of TRUTH and less of personal OPINIONS

Here a few examples of other bubbles that I will be popping in other blogs and future podcasts:

• Parents Know Best???
• Cheating Can Be Justifiable???
• Freedom Is Not Free???
• What IS A Woman???
• Society Is Responsible???

A lot of these and other bubbles floating around in the mind need to be popped with the needle of truth. I am going to pop every bubble of misconception that comes along my path with the needle of truth. I’m ready to release the false hope and lies in the mind so it can be clear to heal and receive the “truth” that shall set it free.

I’m sorry but not sorry. I’m sorry for busting your bubble advisers, influencers and leaders, but I’m not sorry for busting it with the needle of truth. To those seeking help, advice or answers, I’d rather not spare your feelings and give you the truth now. Then you can cry, hug and pray it out afterwards, just give your heart the true chance it needs to heal. I’m doing this for you because I wish someone would’ve done it for me.

To all my nieces and nephews, (subscribers, fans, supporters) come join me, Auntie Kay, for a family meeting to discuss some truths and share your thoughts!

Post your discussion points, questions, comments or concerns below or send them to me at: [email protected] or on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/FactswithAuntieKay I look forward to your questions, comments and concerns. Take care, may God bless, protect and keep you, until next time...enjoy this precious gift of life, love you!

- Auntie Kay