When I Think of Home

When I look at this photo of my mom laughing because I told her that I wanted to go back home in the comfort of her womb. I now reflect of the choice she made to be a single mom and the joy it brought. At times she would tell me that she would be walking home from work laughing out loud of the things I did that were funny. My mom would tell me positive things about me. However, I regret today of how I would tell her you are just saying that because you are my mom.

I did not understand the challenges my mom went through until I read her memoir about my life " When I Think Of Home". I would say I want to go home whenever I had challenges as if I was looking for a place of peace singing the lyrics to "Home" the song by Quincy Jones. I just was selfish and angry thinking that my mommy made my daddy go away. Not realizing that it was his choice to leave. I would give my mom so many problems as if I was paying her back for the stand she took for choosing me to live despite the demands from my dad to get an abortion due to him being married already with a 3 year old. My mom had to work to provide for me since my birth with very limited help from dad. She had support from my dad’s mom and aunt. However, She went without food many times so I may eat. She would work and leave me at the babysitter until she realizes that I was so out of control and not being properly cared for she had to find another sitter. She had some people looking after me but that did not work out for her either. So, I began to stay home alone becoming a latch key kid who disrespected her and would not go to school assuming that I am grown.

She would have to leave work on many occasions to pled with the principle not to suspend me. This was breaking my mom’s heart and she could not do anything to change me. I really gave my mom a lot of hardships and even in harms way. I would fight her and speak mean to her because I was angry. My mom got me my first job and I dropped out of school spending my income unwisely and losing my job back under my mom care.

I disrespected my mom and allowed other people to disrespect her by words, stealing and taking over her home. This behavior went on for years however, she never gave up on me. She worked and provided for me. I always seem to have my needs met; however I did not appreciate all she was doing. On one occasion I screamed to her from inside a police vehicle that she was the root to the problem in my life. I am so grateful that I could not get out because I would have killed my mom. I totally blamed her for any destructive ways and choices that I did. After, struggling with me and my choices I told my mom that she had to let me face my consequences which led to me being homeless.

I then moved to my first sub-lease apartment letting someone stay and I paid the rent. For two years I told my mom that I do not want to hear from her again and please do not call me ever. She would search the city for me but could not find me. I finally, got married and came back into my mom’s life. Then, I began to be a Follower of Jesus teaching and learn to honor my parents and authority figures. Our relationship grew stronger and closer as time went by with us attending trips and church services. I began to honor her and enjoy our relationship regardless of the challenges of our faith and service.

My mom really was the only person in the world who knew all about me and loved me to the fullest. She never gave up on me and always been in my life encouraging me to be my best. She finally died on September 29, 2017 on which I called her at 6:30pm. I began to share with her of how great a single mom she had been by taking care of me regardless of my behavior and disrespect. I asked her to forgive me for mistreating and dishonoring her all those years. I did assure her that I was getting back every bad deed I had done to her from the children I currently work with. She just sat on the phone laughing. She talked about my aunt being found on the floor of her home and how she is ok. I asked my mom what would happen if we found her on the floor unconscious. She just kindly said “I will be gone home with Jesus and leave this crazy world”. Who would have known that would be the last time I talk to my mom? I got a call at 9:30 pm that same night telling me my mom was on the floor unconscious and paramedics worked on her but she never revived.

Growing up with a single mom helped me to make the choice of not to be one myself by only having children with a man of my same faith. With Joy I remember looking at her memoirs of being my mom and her struggles with me but expressed she had no regrets and count it all joy. I realize that my mom was a great single mom who made a positive impact on this world by her love and care for me regardless of my behaviors. So, I take this time to honor her life by giving God thanks for all she has done that help me feel the love of a real home.