We Needed More Than Love And Enablers

As an adolescent, I was unaware of the importance or influence the role of a parent was; and how it immensely helps or hurts the child in their future. This has become lucid not only because I’m a mom, but because I observe and seek knowledge. I recognize patterns and I’ve always had an urge to find the source. In a lot of cases it starts in the home, those are the cases I speak of.

“Our parents taught us the best they could with what they had at that moment”

Love is fundamental, unfortunately, sometimes that was all that was provided; along with shelter and food among the other major necessities.

We learned the world is nowhere near as loving as our parents are (excluding the shitty parents). You must work to eat, metaphorically and literally speaking. At home, dinner will still be served — as it should. Please understand the connection I'm making. I do not expect to take away dinner for misbehaving, it's the exact "no work and still eat" I speak of. 

Dinner will be provided, dessert will not be; things that are a privilege will not be…I feel we must learn how to conduct ourselves first. 

Everything which is tolerated in the home is not tolerated in the workplace, in you and your partner's shared space, in a public space — no place other than your parent’s place. 

Enabled because it is allowed.

Love at home can be confused with “letting me do what I know is not allowed or shouldn’t be doing”. As we get older and it has never been rectified, we run into problems. Health-related problems (due to several missed doctor's appointments), socializing problems (due to the inability to listen without the intent to respond), or even relationship problems (due to the toddler temper tantrum one may have), etc.

Sadly, it hasn't been corrected.

Those missed doctor appointments turn into diseases that could've been saved if you had a check-up sooner. Socializing problems can lead to no friends because you just can't seem to hear them out without stumbling over them with your response. Relationship ordeals because the way you handle conflict is childish. Identify it and correct it. 

Love does not coincide with knowledge. It’s one thing to grow up in a loving home, then it's a complete difference to grow up in a loving and structured home. Yes, we needed love — but some of us needed a bit more.

Communication: No relationship between two people can prosper without it. If whoever raised you are ineffective communicators, how could they ever guide you? If you shut down when it’s time to communicate due to some traumatic experience you’ve had, how can you teach anyone to communicate effectively?

Rules: Can provide order and structure later in life. Due to my nana’s structure, I was unable to sleep in. Up at 6 am because there is always something to do, by the time you’re finished, everyone else will be waking up. I thank her, as this helped me to be an early riser as an adult.

Accept love: Some of us may know how to give love, how to show affection, or even shower others with gifts to share that love. Receiving love may be like trying to understand a foreign language. Yes, we may be givers; but learning to receive love feels just as great. 

Money management: Ultimately leading to wise money decisions after leaving the nest. Learning & understanding how to make, save and invest money is vital in order to start on the wealth ladder. Knowing how to make money and not being a leech is a lifetime accomplishment. How could a family living paycheck to paycheck give substantial financial advice to their youth?

“God bless the child that holds his own”

How to handle emotions: Being aware that it's ok to have different emotions, and you may have several at once. Understand your feelings, and know they aren't permanent. How could a raging father or an overly sensitive mom teach that?

Being accountable: Leave the blame game out! Coming to terms with it being ok to be wrong or even at fault sometimes. Even the smartest person knows she doesn't know everything. Own up to everything you do, even though every situation may have been swept under the rug back at home. 

“Why would they praise you when you win if you don’t take accountability when you lose?”

Self-love: It’s ok because everyone will not like you and that should sit perfectly fine with you. The goal is to love you, always. How could the lack of confidence in a parent teach that to their children?

Etiquette: One’s mannerisms/behavior. Please and Thank you would be nice since no one is obligated to do anything for you — show some gratitude. Manners to speak to our elders with respect, to put things back how they were found; or better WITH permission. It can truly show what was allowed in the home. 

Responsibility: Important matters our parents previously handled because we were minors are now in our hands. Have the responsibility to take on our own responsibilities; without a reminder from mom on EACH occasion. Responsibility to pay those back who once relieved you, but WHEN you say you were.

“Your word is your bond” 

Last but certainly not least, I feel parents essentially should be outlets that expose their kids to different opportunities. Opportunities that later on in life can possibly assist them in determining their purpose, for what it is or what it may not be. This could be in the form of extracurricular activities, sports, etc. After leaving the nest, you should have some sort of idea of what it is that you want to spend the rest of your waking life doing.

Many things among others can be left out while simply loving our kids. The proof that we ALL have some type of trauma to heal from? No one is perfect and no one has it all together. Therefore, if this trauma was not healed in our parents prior to our arrival, chances are we were/are dealing with their trauma as well as what we form on our own. 

The bittersweet thing about it all? Some of us persevered with the lack thereof due to the lack thereof; went out and gained the knowledge on our own. Unfortunately, others dwelled and remained. 

-MMJ

Quote of the Auracle: “Your parents were doing the best they could do with the understanding and awareness they had. They could not teach you anything they didn’t know. If your parents didn’t love themselves, there was no way they could teach you to love yourself.”

-Louise L. Hay

Thank you for reading, I appreciate you.

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