We All Love Bears

I wish my father could be my teddy bear watching over me or the brave bear that protects me, but my father is the bear that I have to bear things from and the bear that I cannot bear. 

No, I won’t sugar-coat things this isn’t a special story in any way.

It's your average teenage girl and middle-aged father having a bad relationship story pretty cliche and familiar huh?

About two years have passed since my parents split but somehow it hurts now more than ever.

It was fifteen years coming, fifteen years too late and fourteen years of pain I was used to and born into.

Now I am most definitely not saying that I wish my parents didn’t get divorced because honestly living with parents who should be divorced is not any better . I’ve always seen this coming for as long as I can remember my parents have always been destined for divorce unfortunately. My mom would occasionally tell me how she wanted to leave my father after she had me . That didn't happen of course and she ended up having four more children. Her excuse for that was “ I didn’t want you to grow up alone “.

Having siblings in a divorce is both comforting and heart wrenching . Not to downplay my siblings pain but as the eldest it certainly takes an extra toll on you . Seeing your younger siblings in confusion and pain is one of the worst things to ever experience .

One thing I will make clear before speaking about my father is that I absolutely detest the way that fathers are always villainized in the media or just made to look like complete fools I mean look at all the shows with father figures involved. I swear I‘ve tried so hard to keep an angelic picture painted of my father but he tainted his picture way too many times.

I love you dad .

I often look back on when my parent’s were together and my relationship with my dad I was always a dad’s girl I loved my dad to death I still do but I was younger and somehow was able to pass by any “ bad “ thing my dad did so I loved him as if he was a perfect person he was my idol I idolized him . As I grew older I understood that my father did not return the love I had for him the same way; he frequently "picked on me," stating how annoying I was and making remarks on how similar I was to my mother. All negative remarks . My heart was shattered ultimately. The man I idolized my father looked down upon me more than anyone else ever did .

I love you dad.

I can recall one of the moments where dad took a chip off my heart .My family took a road trip when I was ten and we were trying to choose a movie and my dad managed to make a fight over that . I was restless and couldn’t , sleep eyes filled with tears that wouldn’t come out so I got up and went to my parents bed and went to the side my dad was on .

I whispered to my dad “ please don’t make a fight happen again on our trip.

My father sleepily answered :

“ yes , I promise don’t worry ”

He broke that promise of course , the very next morning . And a never ending cycle of my dad breaking promises ( big and small ) came forth .

I love you dad.

I’m grateful that my dad still tries to see us when he can and I know that he had a messed up childhood with abusive parents but it wrecks me how he‘s passed on his parents behaviour .

I’m my dad’s therapist .

But he’s also the reason why I might need therapy .

I love you dad.

I still can’t utter the words “ I have an abusive father ” . I still can’t fathom the fact that I overheard horrifying stories from my mother by eavesdropping while she was on the phone post- divorce .

How could it have been any worse from what I’ve seen . I thought I saw it all .

One second my dad is a doting father who loves his children and the next second he is the very definition of a monster ; ugly and frightening.

He is the reason I need comforting & not the one I go to for comforting .

I love you dad.

( maybe not everything you’ve done ) but I still have love for you nonetheless.