Victim

There have been long periods of my life where I was legitimately the victim of the situation I was in. It’s taken me a long time to accept that. There have been moments where I have had to withdraw into myself when I was being verbally attacked. To survive, I shut my mouth. Because experience taught me that replying or trying to defend myself was only going to bring on more pain and hurt.

There have been times where my deepest fears, secrets, hurts were thrown back at me in the heat of an argument. Dismissed and made fun of. I’ve learned over the years to not respond, not show weakness, not ask for help, not to be vulnerable. I’ve learned to to hide. To ruminate in my mind. To feel helpless and broken. To just accept. I’ve trained myself to believe there was no way out. I’ve trained myself to stay quiet when I felt I was being attacked. Because there was no point in defending myself. What I said would always be twisted. I would come out of the arugment genuinely questioning weather I was ever in the right. Or if my feelings were legitimately hurt. Maybe I was too sensitive. Maybe I twisted the words in my mind. Maybe I just didn’t understand where he was coming from. Maybe he wasn’t criticizing and I was just being defensive.

I spent hours of my life ruminating over those questions. Genuinly believing that I played a major part in the hurt I was feeling. I spent hours responding to what was said quietly in my mind, but never really verbalizing it. Because there was never a point. He wasn’t going to hear me. He wasn’t going to respond.

I spent hours and years being a victim. A victim of him. But also a victim of myself. Because as time passed; the complaints and criticicims he threw at me, became the voice in my head. And I started responding to myself the way he responded to me.

I’m out of that situation now. I no longer have to deal with his abuse. But I still feel like the victim inside. I still use his voice to break me down. Its take me a long time to own what I let happen to me. To accept that while he was asshole (without a doubt) I also allowed him to be one. I enabled the abuse. I ruminated in the hurt I was feeling.

The last few months I’ve been trying to work on how I respond to situations where I feel attacked or hurt. My first instinct is to close in on my self. Show a blank face and spend hours the following night berating myself and composing long, dramatic, sad monologue’s of how I felt abused and hurt. It’s my go to.

What I should do, is clearly express my feelings in a concrete way. Skills I try to teach my young kids. When they come home feeling sad or hurt; this is usually what I say to them: ”there are moments in life you will get your feelings hurt. It’s your job to stand up for yourself. Not in a violent or angry way. But in a way where you clearly express what hurt your feeling using your words and expressions.” I logically know this is the mature and best way to address a problem or a moment of hurt.

But the habits of 10 years are hard to break. It’s hard for me to respond or tell someone no. It’s excruciating. And the moments that I do; I walk away feeling like I did something wrong. But I’m so tired of feeling helpless and incapable of responding in a mature manner. I’m tired of listening to somone and realizing that maybe they are not being that nice and I need to say something.

Instead, I say something in my head. It’s also difficult to separate the victim thoughts. Because realistically, people will hurt you. Most of the time they don’t mean to. And life will be hard. That’s the condition of living. It’s not personal the majority of the time. By making it personal, or taking it in as an attack; I’m creating the narrative of being a victim. Logically I understand that. I know that. I’m sick of doing it. But how do you stop? How do you start expressing your feelings without being scared? How do you stand up for yourself without thinking your are stepping on someone else? How do people do that?

This week, I’ve been hanging out with a friend who is pretty sarcastic. He makes comments that leave wondering what he means. There are moments where I feel like he is purposly being mean. And when I want to tell him that’s not ok, or I don’t get what he’s saying; I can’t. I don’t think he is trying to hurt me. I think he is just a sarcastic person. And not knowing how to respond to that has left me feeling very hurt and confused and triggered. Because, again its not personal. But I’m so used it being personal that I can seperate it. And I’m so used to not expressing my emotions that I never know how to respond. And honestly, it makes me mad at myself. Because this is not the person I want to be. This is not the example I want to show my kids.