Two Years Later...

It's been two years since my grandfather passed away suddenly. Two years since the day I found him lying lifeless in his bed. I'd like to say I've moved on and found peace, but to be honest I'm just kind of moving forward. The whole world passing by me like a blur. There are still moments where I find myself wishing he was here. One bad day and I feel like a little girl again. Sitting in my computer chair crying for my grandfather. Wishing this reality was just a bad dream I could wake from. A dream I could escape from to a reality... where May 20th, 2021 never happened. Where I didn't find my beloved Pappy face down in his own bed. A reality where his heart didn't give out on him. That's grief for you.

Grief isn't linear. It's different for everyone. Every single one of us handles loss in our own ways and some of us pull through quicker than others. That's because we as individuals are all unique and different. Most people I meet understand that, but there are some who feel we should just move on and pull the pieces of our lives back together like it's nothing. Like its as easy as tying our shoes. The truth is quite the opposite. Waking up every day to a world where our loved one isn't around anymore is a tough reality. In some cases, we feel like we lost a part of ourselves as well which only makes maneuvering through that grief even more difficult. You're not only grieving the person or pet you lost but you're also grieving a piece of you that you steadily feel you won't get back. It's a pain I'd wish on no one.

While losing my grandfather has clearly affected me in a way I feel will be permanent watching it affect my mom and my brother makes it worse. My mom, who was always stoic and firm, now struggles with feeling like she can fully control her pain and emotions. I watched her cry over a duck on TV the other day and that's not normally a characteristic you'd associate with her. She's even made the remark that she feels like a scared child. It's hard to see her like that. With my brother, he's pulled back. Almost as if distancing himself and trying to shut off his emotions will keep him guarded, and even when he is hurting he does his best to try and not show it. I watch my family struggle with fully coping with losing the strength of our family day in and day out. Us not only having to fill the void my grandfather left emotionally but also the void he left physically. My mom and I are having to tackle daily tasks we wouldn't normally have to do just because he's no longer here to do them. If our tenants need something fixed we have to pick up that slack. I've had to learn how to do everything from electricity, carpenter work, and even plumbing. I went to college for music so naturally, I'm way out of my comfort zone. I don't do it because I want to but rather because I have to now. An unfortunate outcome to the even larger unfortunate outcome.

If I've learned anything important in the last 2 years it would be to 1. always love with all you are and tell your loved ones how you feel as many times as you can, and 2. grief isn't linear. If I could go back and make sure I told my pappy that I loved him and gave him a hug... maybe I wouldn't feel so bad. I took for granted that he would be there. His last night here I didn't hug him... I just told him I loved him and waved to him while I walked across the driveway to my house. I assumed he'd be fine. He wasn't though.

To My Grandfather,

I'm sorry. I love you dearly and hope to always make you proud.