I still miss you

May 20th, 2021 my life forever changed. Growing up I never really had a father. Between the abuse I endured at age five at the hands of his girlfriend at the time and his family's dislike of my hard-working, dedicated mother he was never around. That being said I had a really great grandfather... I called him Pappy. He helped raise and teach my brother and I. Taught my brother how to draw and encouraged my love for music. He went to my band events... even helped pay for some of them. It's because of him and my mom that I got to go to Disney in 2011. He was my father figure. Wise and stern yet kind and gentle. May 20th of last year... I lost that father figure. He had passed away from a heart attack in his sleep and I found him that morning. It has been a year.

We often think of grief as this burden... like a boulder sitting on our chest. We wonder if we'll ever get past it... when will the pain go away. The answer is never. Time makes it easier to manage. Easier to handle. The boulder becomes a pebble but that stays with us. It doesn't just go away. It just starts to hurt a little less. I don't really have any direction with this piece... I just want to write. About him, about all the times I still cry over him... about how I miss my Pappy so very much. I'm 27 and I still find myself sitting on my grandfather's porch crying... looking at an empty chair... his empty chair and wishing he was there. Wishing he could hug me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I wear his flannel and imagine him hugging me. I look at his picture and think about his smile and how the wrinkles around his eyes looked when he smiled. I wonder if I'll ever smile like that again.

My friends all tell me how sweet and wise I seem. How openly helpful I am. How empathetic I can be and to be honest I think he taught me that. I think I'm the way I am because he made sure to teach me how to be kind and helpful. He use to sit on the porch and open his porch up to anyone who needed wisdom. Sometimes he'd talk to people for hours just to feed their spirits and give them knowledge or advice. He was spectacular in that manner. He always seemed to know what to say. Even when it came to me. No matter what I was dealing with... anxiety, stress, or heartbreak. He knew what to say to help me through it all. I have found that recently I could use some of that advice. With that, I realize we don't think about what all we lose until we no longer have it.

So to wrap things up I wanted to say a few words to him. Hopefully, if you read this you'll be inspired to tell someone you love that you love them or maybe it'll encourage you to tell someone you lost how much you miss them.

Dear Pappy,

It's been a year since I last saw your face. A year since I last hugged you or told you how much I appreciated you. Don't worry I'll be okay, but I'm realizing how much I depended on you and just how much I lost the day I lost you. Mom, Dylan, and I are all doing well. We've got each other to help us get through the bad days. I miss your smile and your wisdom. I miss coffee morning even though I didn't really drink coffee. I miss watching NCIS together and laughing at the characters. Most of all I still miss you. I miss my grandpa... I hope heaven is treating you well and I hope you know I'll do anything to make you proud. I love you...

With all the love, Katie