To My Soul Twin

Dear Ashley,

I don't know why you went to work on Tuesday. You told me that you were sick and were trying to get you and Tessa into the doctor. I have no idea why you changed your mind and went to work - probably because you're stubborn, just like the rest of us who are descended from Mamaw and Papaw Meeks.

But you went to work. You were supposed to make it home, but unfortunately, you never did. It breaks my heart to say that. All you wanted at the end of the day was to come home to Tessa.

They published an article about your accident - you also have an obituary, but both are so impersonal, rigid, and robotic. I just pray that it happened fast, that you didn't see it coming, that you were just here and then gone. That you didn't have time to worry or be afraid. They keep telling me that that was the case, but I keep torturing myself with the what if's. The what if's are pretty evil.

Those who don't know you most likely see the situation as just another tragic accident. It's another story about two negligent drivers on I - 65; unfortunately, it was you who was caught in the crossfire. They feel sorry for Tessa, and they most definitely should. Not only were you stolen from us, but you were stolen from her, and it's not fair. It's not right. And I just keep wondering if there was anything I could have done differently to prevent it. I keep torturing myself, reading our last exchange over and over again, then staring at my last message to you, just a casual, "How are you all today?" But I can't go back and change anything, and that's the hardest part.

I'll never forget the first time the two of us really clicked; we were fourteen years old out at the lake, and you, Joe, and I snuck into Joe's blazer to pass the time smoking cigarettes. Through the years, we've grown apart, gotten close, and then grown apart, and gotten close once again, but we always loved each other and sought each other out at the Meeks Family Reunion, every single year.

And then you had Colton and his beautiful little life was so short. I'm sorry that I couldn't be there for you then, but high school Jessie didn't know how to comfort you, a teen mom who had suffered such a severe loss. We've talked about Colton several times, but I was never, ever brave enough to ask what happened. Until one day, I was.

We were sitting outside, watching Tessa and Samuel play, and I finally built up the courage to ask - you know, it only took me eight years. After you told me what happened, I didn't know it was possible to admire and respect someone so much. See, the thing about you, Ashley, is after everything you've lost - Colton, your Mamaw Jane, people that were absent from your life - you just continued to grow more and more beautiful, on the inside and out.

You faced every struggle and adversity with a smile. You loved hard and loved deeply. I don't know if you ever realized just how much your very presence positively impacted those who you surrounded yourself with. You would often call yourself "a b****", but that was the furthest thing from the truth, at least from my point of view.

You gave people second chances, even when they didn't deserve them. You were forgiving, compassionate, fierce, intelligent, loving, and hilarious. You brought me so much laughter after a long period where laughter was almost non-existent. The value that you and your daughter have added to my life is worth more than anything that money could ever buy. You were truthful and blunt, and a breath of fresh air. You were particular, OCD to the max, and thorough with most things (ya know, except your car and your laundry. I still loved you and was thankful for that. Because you were a hot mess about certain things, I felt less guilty about being a hot mess myself). You were giving, you cared about all children so much, not just your own. I could go on and on.

This past week, I've been thinking about all of the little things. All of the times where I'd watch Tessa for you, or you'd watch Samuel for me. Both of our kids could be themselves (fits and all) and we'd both love them the same. It's so rare to be able to trust your kid with someone, and I was so happy that we had reunited at this stage in our lives. We ordered sixty dollars worth of Chinese Food on a Friday night and just chilled because I'd never tried some of your favorites and you wanted me to. The time that I got lice from the kiddos, you literally combed through my thick, long hair for hours to make sure they were all gone. Not only did you do this once, but you did this for almost a WEEK STRAIGHT because you saw how badly it was stressing me out and exhausting me (and Tessa didn't want "bugs" haha, I definitely didn't blame her!) You showed up with all the supplies, towels, and shower caps, ready to save the day. Last week when I was sick, you picked me up goldfish and cheese-its because I'm a child when I'm sick. Every time you came to pick Tessa up, you held Gannon, Joey, or Lucy just because you loved them too. Holding babies and playing with kids made you so happy, but no one could ever have made you as happy as Tessa Ann.

I so desperately wish that I wouldn't have ever neglected a chance to come over to hang out with you and Tessa. I know you understood when I was tired or overworked, but this has taught me that all of the mundane things about life can wait when it comes to quality time spent with loved ones.

As sad as I am that we will never be able to make new memories together, I am so sorry that Tessa will not be able to make any new memories with you. That thought alone is literally like a knife through the chest. But I promise, I swear on my life, that that little girl will never, ever be able to say you didn't love her with every fiber of your being. No one could ever deny the love you had for her, or that you were an amazing mother. Tessa always had everything she needed and more. You took care of that girl so well, and she freaking adores you, and she always will. None of us will ever, ever let her forget what she was to you.

I was going to say that we will teach her to be like you, but she already is a carbon copy of you. She is kind, loving, OCD, has the memory of an elephant, she's a little mother hen, always taking care of all the children - I mean, she really is the one that runs everything, I just work for her (For all the Karen's that read that, IT'S JUST A JOKE we had). But she always knows who's blanky/sippy/paci is who's, and who needs a nap, and where the diapers are. She's my little helper, always. So much like you.

I wish that you could still be here with us, so badly, but I promise that your girl is in good hands. There's literally a list of people who loved you and love Tessa, who will take such good care of her. Because of you, she has a village of people who will nurture her, love her, and cater to her every need (and we will have a very difficult time not spoiling her more than what we already do).

Love, your life mattered so much. We will never be the same without you. But because of how I've watched you move on with such grace and love left to give, I know that I'll never stop missing you, but one day I'll be okay - we all will. Your family misses you, but so do so many people. You were a life saver, you were a caregiver, always giving of yourself - it is our turn to give back to you by way of Tessa, and we will. I will miss you so much, my partner in crime, my spirit animal, my soul sister, my best friend. And I love you, always.