To educate children, should we choose strict love or gentle love?

I want to tell all parents who have similar troubles two words

1. What kind of love you give to your children depends not on your needs, but on whether it is suitable for the child and whether it is appropriate.

2. A person can't have everything, and you can't have everything.

Different children need different forms of love and communication. Brothers and sisters, including first-born siblings, must be differentiated according to their differences.

Every child is an individual with its own characteristics. These characteristics are not necessarily all related to family education and environmental influences. For example, my parents have given me plenty of love and respect since I was a child, but I am still naturally timid and introverted. There is no shadow of childhood, it is just nature. Later, after being a teacher for many years, with age and experience gradually increasing, people gradually changed when they reached middle age.

So, I think, as a parent, you must first think about - my child, what kind of child is he, and what specific characteristics does he have?

Many educators, including parents, including teachers, are accustomed to deciding everything about their children from their own perspective, or raising their children entirely in accordance with book knowledge and so-called experts. But raising children, I personally think, is based on children.

I made this mistake when I was in my early twenties.

At that time I helped with my little nephew. One day, the two of us went to the park together. Because going to the park is a temporary decision, and the time is already late, it is close to closing and dinner, we have something to do in a while, and we are in a hurry. I only agreed after he strongly requested and repeatedly promised to play only one amusement item. go.

Before entering the park, he had decided to play the carousel. That was his favorite project at the time. No matter which park he went to, as long as there was a carousel, he would choose it first.

We headed straight for the merry-go-round and had a good time.

As he walked towards the gate, he suddenly found that a new set of slides had been added to the park. That set of slides didn't exist before. It was quite high. For someone like me who is severely afraid of heights, it seemed a little exciting. But my little nephew likes the tall slide very much, he asked to go up and play, just slide once.

I firmly rejected him.

The reason is simple and naive—it says so in a parenting book I was reading at the time. I told him, "Since you made a promise to only play the merry-go-round, keep your promise."

The little nephew cried, and the two little hands merged in a begging gesture. He explained that he didn't know the slide would be here, and if he did, he would choose the slide.

At that time, my heart was softened, and I wanted to promise him, after all, we had enough time for him to slide down the slide for a while. But I thought about the words in the book, thinking about making my little nephew keep his promises and make prudent promises, but I still refused.

The little nephew stopped insisting, and left the park with me in tears and sobbing.

He was silent all the way, and I regretted it all the way.

For dinner that day, there was scrambled eggs with tomatoes, which was his favorite at that time, and his favorite fruit, cherries, after the meal, but he ate very little. You know, he is usually the number one big eater in the family.

He went to bed early that night. When he woke up the next day, the first words he said were: "I dreamed that I played that slide, it was very interesting"

I still remember the moment of pain in my heart. The only feeling I had at the time was that it didn't matter whether it was the right slide or not, happiness was the most important thing. It's a pity that I was full of time every day for the next week, and he also had to go to kindergarten, so he didn't have time to go to the park. The kindergarten teacher said that that week, he talked less and ate less, worried about whether he was feeling well. This is something I didn't expect. I thought the child would forget it after a sleep, but I didn't expect that the little nephew took this matter to heart. It wasn't until the weekend a week later that we had time to go to that park again, making up for the regrets of the previous week. I thought about it later, and in fact, he has always been a more sensitive child. The advantage is that they are reasonable and considerate when they get along with each other in daily life, and their emotions and thoughts are very delicate. If an adult is tired and lies on the bed with his eyes closed and silent, he will leave the room gently and slowly close the door. If one day the grown-up comes home and sits on the sofa with a blank face and does not speak, he will immediately run over, imitate the usual grown-up, touch the grown-up's forehead, stick his small head to you, stroke you with his small hand, and then "Are you unhappy? Are you unhappy? Don't you be unhappy, okay?" He said in a milky voice, "Are you unhappy?" Okay? Please don't get sick." For a period of time, he was very afraid of the hair dryer, and every time someone used the hair dryer at home, he cried out in fright, and even called for "help".

Such a child is very sensible and warm-hearted, but on the other hand, he is very sensitive. Other children may not take things to heart, and he can put them on his heart for a long, long time. Even a small thing could turn into a big stone on his heart.

To get along and communicate with such a child, you must pay attention to his feelings from every detail. Before doing everything and saying every word, you should think carefully, not what you think, but how he will think and how he will feel. In the case of keeping the basic principles and bottom lines, we should try our best to pay attention to and take care of the children's psychological feelings. Even if you reject him, even if you correct him, you can still make him feel that you love him and you care about his thoughts and feelings. This is also the famous theory in psychology: gentle and firm.

This is empathy, and the first point I said at the beginning, appropriate and moderate love.

My little nephew, he is gentle and delicate, but sensitive, even slightly fragile. Is he brave? Brave. He heard from adults that his best friend was beaten by an older child outside, so he would immediately put on his hat, carry a water bottle, and rush out to "revenge him", because his delicate heart could make him feel his best He can't bear the sadness of a good friend after being bullied, so he is willing to "fight" for him at any time. Including family members who say that they have been wronged outside, he will do the same. But at the same time, he is vulnerable. He can't stand his good friends moving house or adults getting sick. You say a heavy word to him based on a momentary emotion. After two weeks, when you have long forgotten, he will suddenly ask you: "Do you really think that?"

Every coin has two sides.

A person with delicate emotions and thoughts, he has strong empathy ability, but on the other hand, he may be sensitive and vulnerable. A careless and heartless person, he has a strong ability to bear, but on the other hand, his ability to empathize may be poor, and he will not think more for others in everything.

Accepting yourself is important. The first step in making children accept themselves is for parents to accept their children.

Accepting a child's imperfections can be properly guided, but if he is naturally so, accept it.

The pursuit of perfection is the hardest part of life. Most of us are not perfect, we have flaws in one way or another, and there are things that can't be overcome no matter how hard we try. So do children.

A person who accepts himself can accept the world.

I saw a forum answer, it was a discussion of the Cold War. Many people say that when encountering someone who is used to the Cold War, they should stop the loss as soon as possible and leave him quickly. This is the kind of "correct" that most people agree on, but one answer particularly struck me. She said that her lover is used to being cold and not communicating with each other, and they often have a long cold war. But the wife, neither complaining nor leaving, went to read. Through reading books, she knew that this kind of character mostly came from the education of the original family. Because of the educational model he received since he was a child, he did not know how to deal with intimate relationships, and he was also afraid of the communication between intimate relationships, so he instinctively avoided it. The wife identified the crux by combining the personalities of her parents-in-law and their day-to-day interactions with her lover. From there, the wife was relieved. She no longer struggles, no longer suffers, and no longer sends small essays. She even felt that her lover was a little pitiful, like a child. She didn't force him at all, and during his silent time, she also did her own thing leisurely. Slowly, the relaxed lover took the initiative to talk to her. After a period of time, although the Cold War is still inevitable, the time has been greatly shortened.

Because they understand, they are compassionate.

Instead of spending a lot of time and thought thinking about what mom wants, what dad wants, and what to expect from the child... It is better to think about what the child wants and what is suitable for him?

Protecting his strengths, discovering his brilliance, and embracing his imperfections, allows him to be less "right" sometimes, within basic principles and bottom lines.

One of Hugo's words, I especially like -

The greatest happiness in life is the conviction that someone loves you, that someone loves you for the way you are, or to be more precise, someone loves you without asking how you are.

If parents can't give their children this kind of love, who can they expect to give?

What is the best love?

In my opinion, the best love is not when a child grows up to become famous, gentle, delicate, independent, strong, brave and firm, in short, it almost takes all the advantages of human beings... but the child feels satisfaction and happiness from the heart.

There is a question on the forum: If you have a next life, would you still come?

The majority answer is, no.

I hope that if my child sees this question at age 30, he will answer without hesitation: I do. Because I am so happy to be a human being, I love this world so much, and I think every grass and tree in this world is lovely and precious.

I wish him a healthy and safe life, free and happy, without compromising or being forced by life. I want him to be sure that we love him and that he loves himself who is not so perfect. No matter when, he will know that his parents will always be his most loyal fans and his strongest backing. Even if he encounters wind and rain, encounters difficulties, and can't get through, the first thing he thinks of is to go home, not jump off the building.

There are too many so-called "rights" in life, too many rules and regulations.

How many people are sighing: life is so difficult, life is so tiring.

And love should give people warmth and strength, and should be the most powerful support, not pressure. Love is not about making the other person develop and change in the direction you expect. Love is not about telling the other person all the time, what is right, what is good for you, how you want to be...

Love is when every other person is not so happy, not so right, or even seems unreasonable, a sentence from the heart: "Are you okay?"

How are you?

May your answer be yes. May you be happy whether you are the one who gets the love or the one who gives the love. The same goes for those you love.