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Why do so many people now blame their unfortunate families on their families of origin?

by Derasom 2 months ago in extended family
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Face the facts that have happened and try to live your life well

We are all forged in a furnace called family.

"As a child, your family system is your whole being. You make judgments as a child based on the worldview that your family system teaches you—about who you are and how you should deal with others. If your parents were mean, you It's possible to make judgments like: 'I don't trust anyone, I don't deserve anyone's attention', or 'I'll never get anywhere'."

"Most adult children of toxic parents grow up confused about what love really means, and what it should feel like. Their parents do very cruel things to them in the name of love. They understand love as chaos. something dramatic, puzzling, and often painful, something they had to give up in exchange for their dreams and desires, which is clearly not the true meaning of love.

The act of love will not torture you, throw you off balance, or cause you to feel remorse. Love doesn't hurt the heart, it lifts the spirit, and the act of love nurtures your emotional health. When someone shows you love, you feel accepted, cared for, valued, and respected by others. True love creates feelings of warmth, joy, security, stability, and inner peace. "

"A poisoned family system is like a series of car crashes on the highway, causing damage that hurts generation, generation, generation. This system isn't your parents' invention, it's ancestral emotions, rules, interactions, and The result of the accumulation of beliefs." (quote from "Poisoned Parents")

When we live with various distorted concepts and behavior patterns forged in our original family, we will inevitably lead to failure in our career, failure in interpersonal relationships, failure in marriage, or even inability to establish emotional relationships with others.

Since it is a fact, why can't it be blamed? Injustice has its head, and debt has its owner. This is the normal mode of mental functioning. It is abnormal to be murdered without blaming!

So why do we have this natural mental operating mode?

From a personal point of view: The first point: warning effect!

Negative emotions are like pain, alerting us to being hurt. It's a need to survive. To survive better, we must avoid being hurt by others.

If there is no such vigilance, it will be eaten and wiped clean. How many parents spend their whole lives sucking blood on their children.

Some girls are always under the psychological control of their parents, and their hard-earned money is looted by their parents to buy a house and a car for their younger brother. Their own children have no money to support; they are exploited by their parents all their lives.

I used to see a boy complaining on the Internet that all the money he had worked so hard to earn for many years was taken away by his parents, and even the house he bought was coaxed by his parents to write their name; the parents not only occupied the house, but also He was squeezed even harder, his health was bad, his money was taken away, he couldn't be independent, and life was better than death.

Therefore, people will be angry with their parents and will have the urge to blame and blame them; in order to avoid falling into this tragic situation. These emotions are a reminder of how ruthlessly their so-called loved ones are doing to them, brutally controlling, oppressing and destroying them. Let people know that it hurts, and then they know how to hide. Only by blaming the person who hurt you will you know who and what you have done; who you want to avoid and how to avoid it. Otherwise, your whole life will be ruined.

Nature is very benevolent, and she has set up a psychological operating mechanism for people to seek advantages and avoid disadvantages.

But how do those vampires still suck blood?

Very simple, destroy this healthy and natural psychological operating mechanism.

The common methods are as follows: First, suppress people's normal emotional responses until the emotional feedback mechanism of people is completely destroyed.

This often starts at an early age. Parents do not allow their children to release their emotions normally, crying and being scolded, laughing and being told, they do not establish an emotional connection with their children, only discipline and standardize their behavior.

This is not about raising children, it is about stripping the part of what makes a person human from a young age, so that people have no emotions, become rigid and numb; and then use filial piety and rules to correct people's behavior; People have become perfect machines, they don’t know how to get hurt, let alone resist; they allow their parents to suck blood, and then they are exploited by society. They are tools and fuel for others all their lives, until they burn themselves out. Never lived, not even a free animal.

Stigmatizing negative emotions is especially important in this approach. Because negative emotions are an important indicator for people to identify themselves as being hurt and exploited. Anger, blame, condemnation... make people vigilant against the perpetrator, and even want to resist, in order to seek fair treatment.

How does this work? Therefore, people with negative emotions are uneducated and unfilial, and now they have concocted new sayings that they are low emotional intelligence.

In the words of one author: "Everyone experiences it differently, and to me it makes no sense to accuse it." No sense, he said.

Does it make sense to seek advantage and avoid disadvantage? Does it make sense to fight back? Is it pointless to seek fairness?

Blame also means accusation, and the next step is to hope that the perpetrator will be punished, and then the whole situation will be improved. Aren't vampires afraid of this happening? So, starting from the step of blaming, you have to hold on tight. There's no point in blaming, pretending that nothing happened, and that bad deeds have no consequences. Then, don't cry in the future that there is no retribution in the world.

The law of nature is fair, people will have negative emotions, people will be angry, blame, and even want revenge, because evil deeds must be punished.

It's a pity that the road is one foot high, and the magic is one foot high. Human beings spare no effort to harm and brainwash their fellow human beings, and do everything they can to fabricate human laws and false laws to create a society without retribution.

In fact, a society without retribution is the greatest retribution, and none of the people born in it can protect themselves. This will be discussed in detail when I write the retribution article.

Blame is not only meaningful to individuals, but also significant to society. This point, when I write the second part, from the social point of view, will expand on it.

Second, raise the intellect and degrade the emotion.

Emotional mechanism is a mechanism that human beings have evolved over thousands of years to seek advantages and avoid disadvantages, and it is difficult to deceive them. As long as the other party's IQ and cognition are a little higher than your own, you can easily be deceived.

You see, the first step is to make people believe that emotions are stupid, so-called emotional; reason is wise, and people should live by reason, how successful it is!

Once people believe this and start suppressing and spurning their emotions, they will become confused and vulnerable. At this time, if they brainwash their sanity, people will run after them like tame sheep, letting each other do whatever they want.

We have talked a little about the meaning of negative emotions and the meaning of blaming, but what if you can't figure it out yourself? At the same time, a very powerful person stands in front of you and tells you that it is meaningless to blame. Will you be deceived?

For example, he equates blaming with addiction, and then refutes it, saying that blaming will make people addicted to the pain of the past, not seeking change, not thinking about progress, and ultimately destroying their own life. So, we should not blame.

In fact, he secretly changed the concept, and what he refuted was indulging in the past. Blaming the family of origin and self-change are not in conflict, and can be done at the same time; also, blaming is good for improving the relationship and changing the self. This point, I wrote the second point from a personal point of view, when running a relationship, you will In detail.

If our own cognition level is not enough, we can't see that he has changed the concept; and if it is a professor of a famous school who is talking like this, the halo on his body has blinded our reason; then, is it easy to be deceived by him? ?

But in any case, when we are hurt, we will be sad, sad, painful, angry, blamed, and want revenge... Emotions do not deceive people; forced to suppress emotions or deceived by others, self-repressed emotions , we will have all kinds of psychological problems and strange behaviors; ... the laws of nature do not lie, and at the same time, they cannot be violated, and short-term distortions will only lead to worse long-term consequences.

The second point: run-in relationship.

Those who fakely tell people not to have negative emotions never tell people how negative emotions go away.

In fact, people will be angry and blame, but at the same time, this negative emotion will disappear along with the apology and reparation of the perpetrator. The emotional mechanism set by nature is very reasonable. Victims will blame and perpetrators will feel guilty. If the emotions can be vented normally, the victim will lose his temper and condemn the perpetrator, and the perpetrator will apologize and make up for it. Eventually, the negative emotions of guilt and guilt will disappear and the relationship will return to balance.

There may be several situations:

One, the perpetrator is unaware of the harm he has done to others. People are not gods, everyone makes mistakes, people are naive, selfish, ignorant... Not all harm is intentional. Much of the harm parents do to their children comes from ignorance and a vicious cycle of bad behavior patterns from the previous generation.

At this time, the intense negative emotions of the victim can make the perpetrator aware of their own problems. Some people will apologize and make amends. At this time, the negative emotions will disappear as the perpetrator apologizes and makes up for it. Because the perpetrator changes, the harm will not happen again, and the negative emotions will have no meaning to exist.

This is break-in. No relationship is perfect from the start, and so is the parent-child relationship, and if it's fashionable now, I'm also a first-time parent. Humans have long since evolved a reasonable running-in mechanism to deal with this situation, and people are born with a running-in relationship.

However, the day after tomorrow, some people not only do not use these skills, but also wantonly destroy these precious natural skills of children from a very early age.

Second, the perpetrators refused to admit their accounts, and even got angry. Blame allows the victim to test the attitude of the perpetrator, preventing them from holding unrealistic fantasies, continuing to be abused by the perpetrator, and completely severing ties with them.

Once the relationship is completely cut off, there is no need for negative emotions to exist, and they will not interfere with people's lives from time to time.

But it will be a pain point, once mentioned or encountered something related to the perpetrator, it will reoccur, as a reminder not to fall in the same river twice. It will disappear completely unless the process of One is completed. Because many people will really heal their scars and forget the pain. After a long time and a long distance, they will beautify the perpetrator and hurt themselves again.

There is no need to disappear completely, as long as you stay away from the perpetrators and live your life well, negative emotions will not always pop out and cause trouble. That is, you don't need to forgive your parents, you don't need to do anything, just stay away, it's enough to live your life well.

3. Brainwashed, controlled, and long-term victimized. These are often the people who don't blame. They suppress themselves and suppress their negative emotions, thinking that just to please the perpetrators will be a little nicer to them; this is often also a person who has fallen into the trap of "raising reason and belittling emotions". They believe in false laws and falsehoods. The law will be preached, and selfless dedication can finally be exchanged for the bad guys to wake up.

But blindly pleasing will only be swallowed alive by life in the end.

They were held down when they had negative emotions. It was as if their heads were slammed to the ground as soon as they raised their heads. They were not allowed to have negative emotions, to vent their negative emotions, and to blame; It is impossible for a series of resistance to occur, and can only be rubbed on the ground for life.

Only in this way can the perpetrators continue to oppress the victims.

Parents are always right. Any complaints to parents are disobedient, and any disrespect to elders is uneducated. Parents can always ride on the head of their children and do whatever they want.

The same is true in marriage. After one party cheats, the other party can't always blame, otherwise, the relationship will break down. Some psychologists also preach this way, look, how easy it is to be deceived by human reason.

But why does nature make people feel negative emotions? Because an unhealthy relationship is about breaking up, otherwise, the victim will be bullied to death. Anger, blaming, and accusation are self-preservation procedures. Nature is much smarter and kinder than bad guys.

The most ridiculous thing is that the derailed party cannot be blamed, so the guilt of the derailed party cannot be resolved. In order to escape his own guilt, he intensifies bullying the victim.

This is also why in real life, the perpetrator often hates the victim to the death, the victim suffers silently and pays endlessly, and the perpetrator has all the benefits but opposes the other party and hates it.

Human beings are so fond of distorting the laws of nature. Originally, they have a very good emotional operation mechanism, but they want to harm the same kind, destroy the laws, and create a lot of distorted human laws and false laws to confuse people's reason.

In a healthy emotional relationship, there will inevitably be emotional flow, and emotional conflict will inevitably exist as a part of emotional flow, and human beings have long evolved a corresponding emotional conflict mode, so that each other's negative emotions can be in the process of conflict. Dissolving in the middle is very beneficial to the running-in relationship; with the running-in, people can establish an emotional relationship that is equal, free, and mutually beneficial.

But some people always like to destroy the healthy emotional mechanism of others and themselves for selfish gain, for the sake of oppression, for the sake of exploitation, and become insensitive, callous, or miserable...

In fact, for many people, there is only a so-called emotional relationship, and there is no real emotional relationship. They have what is called love or kinship because they have parents, spouses, and children. But in fact, there is no emotional flow in these relationships. They only have a relationship of control and being controlled, only a relationship of interest, and no relationship of emotion. To them, the world seems to be black and white, without color; or the world seems to be indifferent, without sound. They can't understand how the world is with sound and color, so they can't understand how emotions flow, what emotional conflict is like, and they think it's meaningless or even non-existent.

From a social perspective:

Blame is what drives society forward.

"Poisoned Parents" is such a "blame" book. Blame will inevitably lead to accusations and disclosures. More and more truths are revealed and expressed, which can lead to awakening, thinking, and change.

But once the change occurs, the vampire can no longer suck blood, the child can grow up healthy, and it is possible to form their own mind, and the family is no longer a place for mass-producing tool people.

This is a good thing for both the individual and the race. The growth of the individual will be happier, and the whole life will be freer and happier; the individual does not need to waste a lot of energy to suppress emotions, eliminate internal friction, and reduce the occurrence of mental illness. Creativity and imagination will no longer be destroyed, which will inevitably promote the progress of the whole society and form the prosperity of the race.

But this is not good for the rulers, for the small group of vested interests who have grabbed huge profits. Otherwise, why would they practice filial piety? No matter whether the society is progressing or not, whether the race is strong or not, they all live a life of arrogance and extravagance. Of course, the final liquidation is not considered for the time being. On the contrary, if the social system progresses, the existing distribution method will inevitably improve, which will affect their cake, and they must try their best to prevent it. They only need tool people, fuel people, they don't need real people, especially people who can make progress and change. Therefore, they are happy to take the family as a unit, dehumanize children from childhood, and mass produce tool people.

Blame awakens humanity. If the problems of the family of origin are exposed one after another, a large number of victims can find an organization, and many people will come together to save the same kind and find a way to restore their mental health. A large number of tool people can unite and become human again.

Then, these people will not continue to become lost lambs; they will no longer be so easily brainwashed and work hard as fuel for others; they will no longer be easily incited by extreme emotions like a powder keg because of suppressed emotions, and become a mob and be used by them . Then, how can the capital group and the powerful group exploit and mutilate the people for their own enjoyment?

What a terrible thing this is for those with vested interests! Therefore, of course, we must immediately eliminate the signs of blaming.

It is bad to be afraid that this kind of blaming will promote social progress, shake your own interests, and thus brainwash and blame meaningless people; it is stupid and bad to follow people who think they are superior to others and look down on the persecuted group!

The correct way is to understand that negative emotions are meaningful, and to explore the reasons for their negative emotions. This is the correct use of reason. Reason is used to understand the origin and reason, right and wrong, on the basis of adapting to emotions. Instead of self-denial, I have negative emotions, I am a bad person, I am uneducated, and I have low emotional intelligence... I desperately suppress my normal emotions, and then bring my reason out to brainwash others.

Reason can be used to trace emotions back to the source and then come up with the right way to deal with them. The book "Toxic Parents" does just that. In some societies, blame has not been suppressed, but rather has been dug up and developed, so progress has taken place, the system has been improved, and the relationship between parents and children has been transformed into an equal relationship; in some societies, not only has the transformation not been completed, Instead, they continue to suppress and brainwash them, and they are very afraid of the conversion.

Blame does not affect improvement, but promotes it.

The book Toxic Parents also supports confrontation with parents, and I wrote earlier that blaming and confrontation can be very effective in changing and evaluating emotional relationships.

extended family

About the author

Derasom

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