Things

Today was Sunday. I had been working hard all week. School started again, and there was appointments and shopping that needed to get done. shot records to update and a baby girl that needs to be registered into hourly care. Plus there's the house work. There's the laundry, the dishes, cooking dinner changing diapers, letting the dog out, cleaning bath rooms picking up toys, bathing children, bathing myself.... today was supposed to be a day where i could just relax a bit. Supposed to. I fool myself with those words all the time.

Every time I try and vent to someone they always point out that I signed up for this when I married into the army. That doesn't really help with how overwhelming it is. There is no one to help me with chores or babysitting or appointments. There's no one to help with disciplining the children, no one to keep an eye out when I have to cook or take out the trash. God forbit if I needed to pick up a job. Which is looking like it might be a "must" soon. There is so much to do and so little time to do it. Last year I had thought I'd have written a book by now. It seems like that dream will never become a reality.

I really want to make something of myself. I want to write. I want to work out, but with my husband overseas, it seems like all those goals are unattainable. and I look around and see other wife like me doing all those things and sometimes more and I feel ashamed. Why cant I be like that?

I'm not going to blame my body. My body has gotten me through a lot. and I mean a lot. I'd blame my brain but I don't think it can help the fact that its wonky. My childhood and conditions make it like this. It also doesn't help that my kids seem to fight everything I ask of them. And I do mean everything.

From going to bed, to eating dinner, to cleaning their own rooms even asking them to throw their own trash away. Trying to get them to clean themselves properly is a hassle too. And on top of that The youngest of the three has decided to cry about everything. I think its a growth spurt? but everything causes a crying and sometimes screaming fit. Its exhausting.

While on the phone with my husband I tried explaining that our youngest crying and screaming like she does is very triggering for me. But When I look at it after the fact she accepts the "No" most of the time and just askes for cuddles after to help her deal with the "no". She is learning and coping with the rules and boundaries we set. But I wasn't allowed to do that. I wasn't allowed too cry too loudly. I wasn't allowed to express anger, or sadness, or being upset. And I was never taught the skills to help myself or my kids express their feelings. I guess that's why it makes me exhausted, because I'm working so hard to build this safe environment when all I have is a metaphorical book of what NOT to do.

Welp! That's it for today. thanks.