The Worst Is Over

Let's start this off with the worst part and end with the good. My mom and dad divorced when I was very young, maybe 3 years old. I don't have many good memories of him from when he and my mom were still together. He would scold me when I would try to play with my sister and her toys, get too close to the fireplace, things like that. I guess he and my mom fought a lot but I don't remember that either. He did take care of me one night when I got really sick. When he left, my sisters and I would go see him some weekends and he would let me pick raspberries and eat them with milk and sugar for breakfast. That was the best. Our visits with him always seemed to get shorter and shorter. When I was 9 years old my mom had gotten remarried and we moved eight hours away. We still went back to visit because my grandma lived there still and we would see dad sometimes on holidays. He never called on my birthday or any holiday unless we were there visiting him we wouldn't hear anything from him. My oldest sister still lived in our home town because she was in college when we moved. My middle sister started college and my dad would go visit her sometimes for her sorority dad balls and things like that. I wasn't far but he wouldn't make the trip to see me. As the years went on, I saw him less and less but he always made time to see my sisters. Looking back now that I'm older, I didn't really make an effort to see him either. Around the time I turned 30 I made sure to call him randomly and tell him when I would be in the area so we could meet up, which sometimes happened and sometimes didn't. I don't remember exactly when, but I think it was around the time I found out my uncle was struggling with bladder cancer and it made me realize life is too short to not be with your loved ones. But that also opened up a can of worms in my heart. So I asked him the 'hard' questions. Why didn't you ever call me? Why did you visit my sister and not me? Why didn't you come to visit me when we moved away? He got really upset and told me stories about my mom that I knew were lies, such as, he tried to come see me but my mom wouldn't let him, or that his truck broke down when he planned to see me. All a bunch of crap. I told him to stay out of my life and we haven't talked since then. It's been a little over a year now and he didn't call over the holidays or my birthday which I expected. Needless to say, as a mom myself and watching my sisters become parents and finding a wonderful husband who is the best dad, I didn't always make good choices in men growing up. But I also don't completely blame my dad for that. My stepdad was also a terrible man, so I had a lot to work through to get to where I am today. More on that another time.

The one man that was always there for me growing up was my mom's brother, Uncle Muddy. His name is Steve but we always called him Muddy. He was the best. Gave me my first chew, caught me smoking the first time, gave me my first drink of alcohol, let me drive all his cool cars and gave me the best advice exactly when I needed it and even loaned me money when I couldn't make ends meet because of my poor choices. My oldest sister moved to the east coast where my uncle lived and it became a tradition for me to go out and stay with her every summer, which also meant I got to see my awesome uncle! After my stepdad went to prison, I looked to Muddy as my dad. I was seeing a counselor and working through all the turmoil in my head, and Muddy helped me. When I got pregnant at a young age and decided to give her up for adoption I visited and he was the first person to tell me how selfless and loving I was for making that decision for my unborn child. When I got married the first time and discovered he was cheating on me and had gotten another woman pregnant, Muddy told me not to let him manipulate me in to staying with him because he would never change. I loved the analogy he used. He told me, "Cheaters are like flat tires. You can patch them and fix them, but eventually they have to be replaced." Ironic now that I'm working at a tire shop. But he was right. I left and got a divorce and was so much happier and healthier both physically and emotionally. I think I finally started to love myself and was able to find my current husband because of that. Muddy was my first real dad who loved me unconditionally and showed me what love and parenting was supposed to be like. He recently passed after his battle with cancer and I will miss him every day. #lovelikemuddy

The next man I want to talk about is Ryan. He had been a friend of our family for as long as I can remember. My oldest sister dated him for several years and during that time I started to view him as a father figure. He always included me in anything him and sister had planned. When we went to visit once he took me out and taught me gun safety and we shot bottles. We went to his cabin and I got to ride snowmobiles for the first time. He taught me how to snowboard too. He even came to visit us once when we moved away. That was the best week. Ryan took me to the lake with him where he fished and I sat and read, but we just got to hang out. He taught me how to change the oil in my car then too. Things I always imagined as something a dad would teach. He always took me to dinner with him and my sister when I was around and never made me feel like anything less than family to him. He's still a huge part of my life even though he has his own wife and daughter now, who are equally as wonderful as he is. I know he will be the best dad as his daughter grows up, because he was the best for me.

Next up is my amazing father-in-law. From the first time I met him I just knew he was a great man. He instantly welcomed me with open arms. Everyone I talked to about him had nothing but wonderful, nice things to say about him. In my opinion, this man is the definition of dad. He raised his kids to have good values and always treat others with kindness. He showed them that they could accomplish anything with hard work and determination. He has a wonderful son, my husband, and a beautiful strong daughter, my best friend and sister-in-law. When I married his son, he walked me down the aisle with my mom because my dad couldn't be bothered to show up on time. He always sticks to his word and does exactly what he says he's going to, not something my dad ever did. He taught his kids things that I wished my dad had taught me, about life and family and love. I knew as soon as I met him that he would be the best dad I could've ever hoped for.

Lastly, my husband. There are so many things I want to say that I don't know where to start. We met after we both divorced our first spouses. He had two kids with his ex, I had none. I didn't think I was ready to be a parent and I told him that. But he believed in me and our love and helped me along the way. It's been 7 years now and I couldn't have done it without the support and trust that our marriage has built. I learned a lot along the way about parenting. Watching my husband teach the kids, both the good and the hard lessons, was inspiring. He once told me, "As a parent, all I can do is be there for my kids no matter what happens." I didn't realize how right he was. That's all I ever wanted from my dad too. I didn't want material items, or even money. I wanted him to be there. To watch volleyball and softball games. Go to the band concerts and plays. See all the growth and understanding as I grew up. And that's what I've done for my step-kids these last 7 years. I've gone to all the games and shows. Taken them to appointments and listened to them read me papers. Helped with homework and fundraisers. Taken them on date nights or gone shopping. And taught the good and hard lessons too. Always followed through on what I said. But most importantly I followed my husband's lead and was present in their lives. He has no idea how much his words have impacted not only how I look at old relationships with parents or family or friends, but how I look at them now. And watching him grow as a father has been an incredible journey.

With all the amazing men I now have in my life, it doesn't matter that my dad never wanted me. That my stepdad did horrible things to me and broke down my trust. That ex boyfriends and husbands tried to break me physically and mentally. I have a support system of father's who have taught me so much more about life than any of the bad things did and I love them immensely for everything they've done for me. But mostly I love them for being present in my life. That is the definition of being a father in my opinion. My Father-in-Law is that definition. My Uncle Muddy. My friend Ryan. My husband. They are all present.