The way it began…

There is a beauty in all things that are unknown and also a fear that you can’t seem to shake when you are traumatized by a huge event. Now my life, to this point has been a series of one crazy event after the next and that comes from growing up the way that I did. However, I will never say that I am a victim of my past just someone who has lived and has learned so many things along the way. I have seen so many crazy things but I have also seen such beautiful things as well so, I have become accustomed to living in a some what controlled chaos. Now that brings me to about 6 years ago when we got pregnant with our first baby and then lost him.

We had just gotten engaged and had settled on the fact that we wanted to have kids with each other. Now keep in mind I was never one to say that I wanted to get married or even have kids. I really just wanted to travel the world single and live life the way that I wanted to live on the drop of a dime. I thought that was amazing and then I met my husband and that thinking seemed to disappear over night. It was like meeting my other half in every sense. I just knew that he was my soul mate. We dated and then made it official and then so on and so forth until we got married and got pregnant for the first time. I can truly say that I am so happy for having met my soul mate. Now back to the baby, we got pregnant and from the start I was having problem after problem with that pregnancy but the baby was strong so we thought that we could make it but in the end we didn’t. I had been told that I was going to lose my son and that I shouldn’t get attached.

The doctor was an old school idiot with his bedside manner but he was a great doctor for all the rest. Anyway, I ended up going in to labor at 17 weeks and so we went to the hospital and I was treated so rough by the male nurse who admitted me. Again he was an idiot. I went through the whole thing and ended up going through labor and dilating and everything. I ended up giving birth to our son at 17 weeks gestation which meant that when he was born we would have to say goodbye. As you can see that was very traumatic with an already traumatic situation you can only imagine how much more it hurt. I can say that I was shattered and so was my husband. After that we had some time and I had some fibroids removed and then a year of recovery. We started trying and went to doctors and did treatments and it took a toll on us so we decided after the first part of covid that we would stop which is when we did our last fertility treatment.

We decided to just have fun as a married couple and best friends. We took the stress and anxiety and threw it out the window and said that if it was just us for the rest of our life then we would be fine. Then by and behold three weeks before my 33rd birthday I found out that I was pregnant and this was now 5 years later from when we lost our first. I was terriefied and I waited till my test went from faint line to dark line before telling my husband. I told him and he was shocked and we were both over the moon. From there things went like normal and they were perfectly healthy. I remember saying I am just going to trust the process and I did. We went through all the normal stuff when you are pregnant like announcement to our family, close friends, and then distant family members on social media, then our gender reveal which is where I told my husband that we were having a boy, and to be honest I guess I was happy but a part of me was still not convinced and that was the part that I was in therapy for during my pregnancy. I thought it was a good idea to go back so that I could stop myself from bringing all the old stuff into this new pregnancy.

It did wonders for my anxiety to be very honest. Anyway, we did the gender and asked the godparents and then we had the baby shower. Now it was like 2 1/2 months before my due date since I was trying to work around my work schedule. I remember that there was so much going on at that time and that I wasn’t sleeping well that week. Now I thought that because I had been miserable the entire pregnancy that it was just something like that so when I started to have back pain and cramping I kept an eye out for bleeding but saw nothing. It was hard for me to walk and I remember that I was so super tired when we started doing some last minuet things for the shower. When the shower came and I kept having those pains I tried to rest as much as I could but the dual pain in my back would just not go away and the pain in my hips was just getting worse. We went through the baby shower and when we got home that night I was so tired and just wanted to sleep in my own bed since I had stayed at my in laws that weekend since the venue was just around the corner from them. I laid down and then got up around 2:30 like I did every morning since I had gotten pregnant and went to pee. I was having pain and when I wiped I was bleeding.

That was when I walked in to my room and woke my husband up and told we needed to go to the hospital because something was wrong. This was hard because I was trying to not let myself fall back in time and think the worst. I got to the hospital at 2:50 and got upstairs to the labor and delivery wing. I was wheeled in and my doctor who works at a clinic that is attached to the hospital across the street was the doctor on call that night. When she saw me she was not pleased and so she checked me right away and told me that I wouldn’t be going anywhere and to just get comfortable because I was going to be in the hospital for the rest of my pregnancy. Since I had a history of pre term labor my doctor was not taking any chances. I ended up being in the hospital for a week and the day that I turned 26 weeks gestation I had dilated to 7 cm after the staff had managed to stop the dilation. Now at this point there was no more turning back so they had me in the laboring room for 14 hours and I pushed twice when our son was born.

He was born at 26 weeks gestation and 2 lbs 6 oz. Our sweet Liam was so tiny when he was born and I was just so scared of losing him that I didn’t let myself feel anything but numbness until I was able to see him in the NICU. The good thing is that I was lucky enough that my milk came in right away so I was able to give milk to the nurses but he wasn’t able to eat and we weren’t able to touch him for the next 72 hours. Those hours were torture and I don’t think that I slept more than 4-5 hours a night during those 3 days. Neither of us slept but we kept holding on to each other. The nursing staff and doctor staff were all amazing and just understood when I would sit there and cry because all I wanted to do was hold our baby like other moms but couldn’t. When the first 72 hours was up I was able to finally hold him and it was the best things ever. I knew that I was complete once more and that I would never be the same again.

That is how it all began and I know it was a little long but thank you for staying till the end and if you have a story you would like to share then please reach out and we can see about sharing it. Thank you and till next time.

XOXO

SILVIA