The Toddler Phase: “Don’t Take it Personally”

The Toddler Phase: “Don’t Take it Personally”

(Written by- Genuine Kaeo)

Introduction

So you’ve reached the toddler years and OH BOY! This stage is both beautiful and teeth grinding, with all the new words being learned (good and bad), ouchies and the age old testing boundaries it may feel impossible to stay calm and collected. You are not alone and while some of these behaviors like kicking, screaming NO and the occasional swinging fists I can assure you this is completely normal. While the behavior is expected at this stage of development you may find yourself feeling triggered by some of these actions, there is one key thing to keep in mind during this phase. It’s Not Personal!

It’s easy to get angry, lash out or become impatient when you feel disrespected or your boundaries are violated. No one likes being smacked in the face, spit on or yelled at. These actions against you can quickly PISS YOU OFF…But when something like this happens and you are being assaulted or disrespected by your toddler and before you say anything think to yourself, “They have no control over their reactions, how can I show them how to control it?” I like to use the acronym C.A.L.M.

C.A.L.M

Compare: First things first is to compare how you would feel being yelled at for doing something you didn’t know was wrong? Then remind the child (calmly) “You wouldn’t like it if someone yelled, hit or pushed you right? Then please don’t do it to others.” This gives the child perspective of how their actions affect others and builds their empathy for other people's feelings.

Asses: Next it’s important to asses how to the child is feeling and why they got to this aggregated state to begin with. Sometimes it's as simple as “I'm hungry” “I need interaction/play” “I’m tired” etc. After you have discussed their actions and assessed a possible need you can curb the behavior by fulfilling their current needs.

Level: Get down to their level! This sounds simple enough but one struggle for a toddler (especially only child kids) is that their primary interaction is with adults. This means it can be easy to feel “talked down to” or constantly corrected by someone bigger than them. To help this and for the message to sink in a little easier it's best to literally get down to their level. Squat down when talking to them or showing them something new. This helps them engage a bit more with you and listen more closely to your words or instructions.

Master: Finally, Mastering! Practice makes perfect, am I right! It’s easy to forget all about the situation once the child is calm and forget that we are still reinforcing the new lesson. That means errors will still occur, the behavior may happen again, but don’t worry it wasn’t a waste of time! It’s our job to stay calm and reinforce the lesson taught by repeating the process until they master it and it becomes second nature. (Like brushing your teeth, going potty etc.)

Conclusion

Remember, it’s understandable that everyone has different backgrounds and upbringing. While some may find this exercise easy to do, others have been hurt in their own childhood and that can come out when their feelings are hurt by their own kids or they view their toddlers actions as unacceptable. The most important thing to take away from this is to NOT react out of anger or impatience. If you are feeling triggered, angry or offended by your toddlers actions and you cannot calmly react right away…then walk away! Simply ask for a moment alone, use a safe word with a partner to indicate to them that you are overwhelmed or upset and may need some assistance handling the situation. This in no way makes you look weak or incapable! Instead you are showing emotional maturity by choosing to calm yourself before addressing the situation and coming back level headed and ready.

YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB, YOU ARE APPRECIATED AND LOVED!